"I want you to remember me."

From the song Snapshot by RuPaul featuring Macutchi.

• It really pisses me off when I go to a restaurant and see a dumbass customer get in the face of the host/hostess because they're mad about not being seated right away since their group is incomplete. It's like, that's not how restaurants in NYC work, you idiot! Just stay home and be rude to your stove instead, jackass.
• When it's muggy, hot, and you don't have your air conditioner installed yet in your apartment, it's when you're sitting in the air-conditioned subway ride home that one realizes what a luxury the cool air on your skin at that moment truly is.
• Reading has been replaced by scrolling.
• I spent all of my childhood avoiding the bathroom at exactly 12am because I was terrified of Bloody Mary appearing in the mirror to kill me. During high school when I slept late, I was sure to always shower or enter the bathroom at 12:05am or after just to be on the safe side.  And now at 35, the memory of living most of my young life like this came flooding back. And I can't remember at what age I stopped fearing the bathroom at the stroke of midnight. All of it just makes me want to have a bloody mary at a bar in celebration.
• The theme song to the podcast "Late Night Whenever with Michelle Buteau" is catchy and has been stuck in my head for hours. And the podcast is super funny, too.
• Button-down shirts buttoned all the way to the collar + tucked into pants = the uniform for the truly uptight.

Sade Baderinwa.

A day without typing LOL is a day without textual awkwardness.

I finished watching the Broadway production of Angels in America today.

The full title is Angels in America: A Gay Fantasia on National Themes, and this year's revival marks the 25th anniversary of the original Broadway opening. The play's over 8 hours long with intermissions, and is broken down into two different parts. I watched Part I last Sunday, and the second and final part today. Part II went by a lot faster than the first, but the entire production and experience itself was so good that it made the time just fly by.

It's hard to believe it had been about twelve years since I last went to a Broadway show in New York! I forgot how it felt to sit in an audience and experience everything together in real time. To laugh and clap, or feel speechless as a group made me realize the power in good writing. How a word or a phrase brought the entire audience to the same reaction (which is no easy feat), invoking an emotion that felt so much better in solidarity. The set design, lighting, and acting were all so amazing. I was floored by the entire production, and how spaces were transformed so quickly through details both slight and grand. I especially enjoyed the art direction of this production because it was based off neon lights, which I've always had a thing for.

As a gay man, it felt like an honor to watch Angels in America on Broadway. I can't imagine how it felt to watch it in 1993, when the AIDS crisis was still happening and the future of helping those in need was an unclear road. Watching it now in 2018 was comforting because many of the issues the play discussed have gotten better thanks to science and technology. But what makes it so relevant right now is how it hits on topics that still influence culture today like homophobia, corruption, drugs, and America's views on those who suffer from an illness.

One of my favorite lines from the play was towards the end and said by the character Prior Walter. He was played by Andrew Garfield, who was phenomenal. "More life," Prior pleaded after declaring he had not done all of the things he'd wanted to yet in life. He was still only in his late twenties, and demanded more time to live. It was during scenes like these when everyone watching was stunned, with even the constant soundtrack of audience members coughing coming to a pause.

Here's a photo I took with the neon wings set up by the downstairs bathrooms.

"It must've been the moonlight, except there was no moon."

Said by the character Helen Schlegel in the movie Howard's End.

The weather in NYC was really warm yesterday, and there was this sudden revolution in skin that came with it. It felt like such a shock to see flesh in the streets and on the subway again. This winter seemed like it went on forever, so the sight of bare legs and shoulders everywhere was a pleasant reminder of nicer weather right around the corner.

Eyes strained.
Jaws tense.
Butthole clenched.

"Snapshot. Red-hot."

From the song Snapshot ft Macutchi by Rupaul.

I dare you to listen to this song and not dance to it. Impossible.

“My heart beats for the one I love.”

From the song Heartbeat by Taana Gardner.

"Heartbeat,

It makes me feel so weak."

From the song Heartbeat by Taana Gardner.

Things will be different 50 years from now.

If that thought crossed someone's mind on the day Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated fifty years ago, today is the answer.

Progress in every way imaginable has been achieved in the past five decades. But the fact that this inequality and hatred based on ethnicity or religion not only still exists, but to some, is what feels right in their heart, is where so much more needs to be done. There will always be people with different opinions, but understanding that working together is the best solution for everyone's future needs to become a standard that replaces hate.

"Miss Vanjie.
Miss Vanjie.
Miss Vanjie."

Said by Vanessa Vanjie Mateo in the show Rupaul's Drag Race. Season 10, Episode 1.

Hue.
Phew.
You.

"A young man on a bicycle three years ago, probably a grocer's helper or errand boy, riding down a narrow path with his apron on, staring me straight in the face, as I stared back, no smile, just a troubled look, till he passed me by. And then I did what I always hope others might do in such cases. I waited a few seconds, then turned around. He had done the exact same thing."

From the book Call Me By Your Name. Written by Andre Aciman, Page 176.

It's not life, sweetie. It's you.

Free writing.
Free thinking.
Free anxiety.
Not stopping.
Letting it all out.
Like a breath.
Like a sigh.
Like a moment.
It says bye.
That it'll try.
Get un-preoccupied.
Because FYI.
There's no more time.

Smutty.
Stubby.
Slutty.
Study.

Is that even a hobby?

Eat real fast,
eat real hard.
Eat like trash,
Eat, like, carbs.

I just got back home from a work trip to Toronto. Halfway during the Uber ride back to my place from Laguardia, a number of firetrucks with their sirens and lights blaring passed by. I didn't think anything of it but when I stepped out of the car onto the sidewalk of my block, the smell of a fire somewhere was instant. There's still a faint sound of helicopters hovering somewhere nearby.

Not.
Note.
Nope.

"The phrase keeps flying around in my head like a bat, fluttering and flapping and slapping at the corners of an attic."

From the book Sing, Unburied, Sing by Jesmyn Ward. Page 169.

A new way to do jack shit.

Gluten galore.

There's nothing that humming can't get you through.

"Wait for it."

From so many good memes.

Well then, what is it you'd like to do all day, Johnny?

Scroll!

It took a bit of time before Jess and I got furniture in our living room. We moved in together last September, but didn't even get a couch until December. Instead, the majority of the first few months at our new place was usually spent standing in the kitchen. Our kitchen is compact with no room for a dining table or chairs, but it has plenty of counter space and is where you could always find us. That's where we'd eat, drink, and talk for hours upon hours with music in the background. We laughed so much during that time, with all that standing helping in feeling more enthralled. And whenever either of us got tired, we'd just lean onto our kitchen counters or hop up to sit on them for a break.

But now, most of our time is spent plopped on the couch in our living room while watching tv. And sometimes I miss just hanging in the kitchen, standing around doing stuff. In general, and especially at bars, I like standing and being on my feet. It makes me feel more engaged with stuff.

Jess is away on vacation right now, and I've been trying to be good about not wasting too much time on tv. With the apartment to myself, I'm choosing to luxuriate in the ability to stay in today. And since I am not going to step foot outside of my place, standing in the kitchen while typing this helps in feeling more productive.

A little note on turning 35 last week:

Thirty-five,
Still got that drive.
Thirty-five,
Time to revive.
Thirty-five,
Break the pattern of contrive.
Thirty-five,
you've already arrived.
Thirty-five,
Don't look back on that deep dive.

There's nothing sexier than when a guy tucks in his shirt.

"Friend: I'm not going to finish this. Do you want it?

Me: No, thanks. I'm full.

Friend: Fine. But then I'm just going to throw it away...

Me: No! Fine, I'll eat it."

My friends always know how to get me.

Brie.
Bro.
Bra.
Brew.

"Less food, more sex."

This was my doctor's parting advice for me today after going in for my annual check-up. 

I think he may be on to something...

"I was born in 1937, bred, toasted, buttered, jellied, jammed, and honeyed in Harlem."

From the article True Colors in the February 2018 issue of American Vogue. Written by Audrey Smaltz.

Pastina.

"Why's it so hard to accept the party is over?"

From the song Drew Barrymore by SZA.

That does not excite me.

I save my love for braised meat and pasta.

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day, everyone!

When I lived in Alaska during the 5th grade, I attended Fairview elementary school in Anchorage. I can distinctly remember Martin Luther King Jr.'s I Have a Dream speech, and the song Lift Every Voice and Sing, as being a part of my grade's curriculum. We were quizzed on memorizing the speech, and sung the song as a chorus in music class. Learning it in school made it feel no different than any other subject, helping me incorporate it into my life just like the A-B-C's or 1-2-3's. No one in school ever had the slightest thoughts even close to second-guessing what we were being taught, or harbored any reluctance on accepting everything as anything but fact, history, and as a truth we should all aspire to live by as young people. It was taught as a norm and that as a country, something America never intended on going backwards on. Instead, it was simply a foundation to grow and embrace as we all live together side-by-side.

And now as an adult, I don't see how the views of so many diverge from what was taught to generations like myself as a standard of kindness, humanity, and being American. Young people today should still be able to live in a world where I Have a Dream and Lift Every Voice and Sing continue to serve as the beacons of hope and progress they've always been, without all the crazy background noise of the current administration and emboldened racists out there.

"That's me. I'm a simple girl with simple taste. 2-inch thick steaks, french fries, and a big salad."

Said by the character Vicky in the movie There's No Business Like Show Business.

I hope everyone is having a great new year so far.

I just got back from a work trip from San Francisco this morning and have been sleeping all day. Gosh, there's really nothing like being in your own bed at home. I slept like a log and woke up just now feeling disoriented by the sunlight that had disappeared.

Visiting San Francisco for the first time ever was really fun. I only spent three days in town and didn't have too much time to explore, but was still able to walk around and check out a few things here and there. On my second night, there was even an earthquake. It was past 2am and I was lying in my bed at The Fairmont staring directly into my phone. I heard a sudden banging noise at first and thought another room next to mine was having loud sex. But then I felt the rumbling and shaking and thought oh okay this has to be an earthquake. I can't lie and say there wasn't a quick moment of sheer terror wondering, alright, what do I need to do next in this situation? But thankfully, my boss texted me the moment after with instructions on what to do in case of an emergency. I was totally fine after that.

It's so painfully cold here in New York right now. Like, it hurts to be outside. I was happy staying in today to just cook and lounge around after I got back from the airport.

"For my mother, Norine Elizabeth Dedeaux,
who loved me before I took my first breath.
Every second of my life, she shows me so."

From the dedication page of Jesmyn Ward's book: Sing, Unburied, Sing.

Staying young at heart means adapting to change and technology (accept the fact that progress is unstoppable and that fighting it goes against what humans are as a species, things will never be the way they were so let that register in order for us to work together on building something everyone can prosper from).

But while I once used to be reluctant in accepting certain technologies, it was more about not letting go of the comforts of familiarity instead of a refusal of development. I've changed though. I can't believe I used to fantasize all the time about life as an adult before the Internet and smartphones. It was me completely romanticizing an era before what I thought got complicated with electronic devices. It's like, no. Just stop. Thinking that way does nothing in using technology to your advantage and future. Technological innovation is not going anywhere and will only continue to grow. It's like, stay young. Participate. At least give it a try. It's there to make things easier so be openminded.

One thing I spend a lot of my online time on now is YouTube. Up until this year, I used to mostly store videos on it or just watch music videos and specific content I would search for. But now I use it to watch so much other stuff. I love videos where I can just sit there and not think about anything serious. I want to be a mindless zombie when I'm home, and my discoveries started when I decided to check out the trending videos on YouTube that are constantly rotating. It was my first step into realizing there's so much other stuff to watch. It's like, why not try some of the bazillion other hours of content out there instead of watching the same shit all the time. It's similar to only going to the same websites all the time. I tend to have a habit of doing that, but I have to tell myself to switch it up every now and then.

YouTube's trending videos helped me stay current with what other people were watching, and then lead me to the magic of stuff like slime videos and eating shows. I especially love mukbangs. It's like I'm sitting there having a meal with them and listening to their conversation. I haven't come across any angry eating shows, which is one of the reasons why I enjoy them. Everyone is usually happy in mukbangs (they're stuffing their faces, it's impossible not to be). The people I watch have to be really upbeat and outgoing though. And I can't stand silence, I need to hear them talk about something. I like that energy of them eating and chatting. It's also nice to have on the background when I'm doing other stuff somewhere.

My new outlook on life isn't solely from binge-watching eating shows. All the new technological conveniences that make being in this world a lot easier than before have to be recognized as transforming. Things like my iPhone X and unearthing the true magic of video through YouTube have brought only happiness into my world. The amount of content on YouTube alone is endless. It's like a celebration of the human spirit and creativity. All of our stories are different, and now we can experience new versions of them. We get to learn so much more about one another in ways that were never possible. I mean thinking about the fact that television used to be dominated by a handful of networks seems like such an archaic way of doing things.

We as the people now decide what we want to watch, upload, and share. And it will never go back to the way it used to be.

And you?

"What if we're the bad guys?"

Said by Angie in the show Orange Is the New Black. Season 5, Episode 13.

"I climbed a mountain,
and I turned around."

From the song Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.

"Sometimes our only choices are between shit and shittier but whatever we end up doing, we gotta own it. Somehow find grace in it."

Said by Gloria in the show Orange Is the New Black. Season 5, Episode 8.

Literally is the new so.

Knead the dough.
Need the dough!

"Seu amor me pegou."

From the song K.O. by Pabllo Vittar.

It's Friday night, and I'm home alone on the couch with a bottle of wine and stretchy pants.

Life is good.

"Youthquake: A significant cultural, political, or social change arising from the actions or influence of young people."

The Oxford Dictionaries Word of the Year for 2017.

Have.
Haven.
Haven’t.

A hungry appetite and halal food brings people together.

It's all about that sauce, right? Well, that's one of my go-to reasons for patronizing the same halal cart twice. Crowded corners on the streets of New York offer a vast choice of vendors, but you never know how a truck's white sauce might taste. You could love it, think it's okay, or wonder how something that usually brings so much joy could taste so unrelatable.

At my former job near 6th Ave and the 20's in Manhattan, I used to go to this one certain halal food cart a lot. I'm an avid fan of getting the most bang for my buck during lunch breaks, and a $6 order of a densely packed chicken/lamb combo over rice always just seemed worth it. To know that I'd be filling up whatever I felt lacking in that day with tasty halal food was an instant mood elevator. I just loved the food from this guy's cart, especially his white sauce. I'd always order extra of course, and its taste was a perfect match that transported me to a happy place.

I recently started a new job at a temporary space on Wall Street. It's my first time working this south of Manhattan, and it's been interesting commuting to a different area. The walk from the subway station to my office goes though a lot of halal food carts. All this made me start thinking that I need to try some of these places out to find a new favorite spot. I knew it would be a trial and error thing because a lot of the vendors don't have signs differentiating their cooking styles. I singled out this one truck that was the closest to my office as my first attempt, and approached the cart to get me the hearty lunch I was aching for.

When I glanced up and ordered, the guy in the cart looked directly back at me and we both laughed.

The two of us instantly recognized each other from his cart near my old job and couldn't believe it... I was smiling from ear-to-ear the entire time he was explaining the situation in a foreign language to the elderly gentleman next to him he had hired to run the cart. The guy told me that this cart on Wall Street was the second one he owned after the one on 6th Ave. He usually went back and forth between working the two spots. When I asked him how long he'd been in the business, he told me nine years. I was happy for his success, and even more elated about getting to eat his food all the time again. It's like, wow. I had actually thought about this guy's food and white sauce and wondered how I'd ever be able to eat it at a regular basis again. But problem solved, especially since I can see it from my office window.

Phase to phase.

I was just about to leave my apartment for work this morning, literally grabbing my keys off the kitchen counter when I received a text from my mom. "There's been an explosion at the 42nd Street Subway Station," she wrote in Korean. My initial reaction was a muttering of fuck out loud to no one but myself. I did a quick check of the news to see what happened, and also made sure the subways were still running before I headed to the station. Luckily, there were no reported deaths from the incident and the 3 train was also still in service so I rushed out of my place like usual.

The subway ride to work felt pretty normal. The only change was that it skipped the 42nd Street Times Square stop. Other than that, most of the other commuters seemed unperturbed by it all. I got to work and had a usual day with no issues on my commute back home.

Since getting home before, I've been able to check out the news and learn more about what actually happened this morning. I've also been catching up on yet another chef in the food industry who has been accused of sexual misconduct. It's infuriating on so many levels, but extremely satisfying to see these people be called out for shit they've done. Anyone who abuses their power to take advantage of others, especially in a sexual manner, is just scum. I say yes, let's get all these assholes out of here to make room for people who can do their jobs without sexually harassing people!

It's only Monday, folks. I feel like it's going to be a long week.

Its imagination was courage.

Grocery shopping is when Christmas and holiday music sounds the most festive.

"I see your true colors, 
and that's why I love you.
So don't be afraid,
to let them show."

From the song True Colors by Cyndi Lauper.

"Do you care now?
Do you know how?"

From the song All Or Nothing by Cher.

"The music's no good without you, baby."

From the song The Music's No Good Without You by Cher. 

"If I could reach the stars,

I'd give them all to you."

From the song If I Could Turn Back Time by Cher.

"This is a song for the lonely, can you hear me tonight?"

From the song Song For the Lonely by Cher.

"If I wanted you to know, I would fucking tell you."

Said by Gabrielle Union in the podcast, Death, Sex & Money. Episode: Gabrielle Union is Fed Up.

"Oh yeah, hey-dog-hey what's up."

From the song Raingurl by Yaeji.

Happy eating! I hope everyone is having a great Thanksgiving weekend so far.

I'm currently home alone right now in Harlem. There's still a bit of daylight coming through the windows so I have all my lights off. It feels really quiet too with almost nothing but silence from the streets. Everything feels nice and still, almost most like there's this cold tint of blue to it.

Moving to Central Harlem a few months ago and living with my friend Jess has really been great so far. We've been friends since junior high school in Queens and grew up not far from each other in Flushing. She would always come over to my house back then and we'd order greasy food and watch bad tv for hours. Even almost two decades later, I guess some things never change.

"Michael: You're so beautiful.
Hanna: What are you talking about?"

From the movie The Reader.

Why do some people live like IRL doesn't matter anymore?

*stares into mirror*
"I am happy today. And I am happy everyday, because my happiness is not conditional on any uncontrollable factors in life."