i got shat on by a bird yesterday and didn't even know until i got home.

hmm, i wonder how long i was walking around for with it on my back.

it's 3 am and i can't sleep.

went to the doctor today for an annual check up. among many things- i was able to: finally get my balls checked, submit my blood to get some tests done, and talked about my insmonia. i told him i've had sleeping issues since i was in junior high school. my doctor suggested i stop stressing about things and i should be able to sleep better. how exactly am i supposed to go about doing that? i need to move out at the end of april. moving is annoying. i'm tired of living with strangers. i have no idea what i'm going to do. i'm living one day at a time. the gym is boring, i enjoy running outdoors instead. i need to buy new running sneakers. i am so broke. buying halal food is a splurge. eating at rare work events is what i look forward to or else it's yogurt/miso soup/tofu for me. being poor is the best diet supplement ever! i can't believe it's past 3 and i can't sleep. i want to call in sick tomorrow. work is okay. all i can do is envision my future, but i'm still not sure what that is. i feel so lonely. i need companionship. last friday night, i realized that are some things that you don't even want to tell your best friend. some things are better left unknown. i need to get some sleep in order to function tomorrow.

when did i forget who i am?

i REALLY need to find a new place to live.

i am so fucking lonely.

riding the subway during friday night rush-hour while it's raining cats and dogs in nyc is not fun, especially when i have to get onto the train at times square.

today was such a slow work day. i suggested to my department that we all go out to eat for lunch together, and we decided on going to this restaurant called Insieme in midtown. i have to say the food was pretty decent. my colleague got their lasagna, which was voted as "the best of new york" in this week's issue of new york magazine.

i did leave the meal still feeling a little bit hungry though, and found the portions to be small. my appetizer was the vitellone crudo alla piemontese, which is pasture-fed baby beef tartare with porcini mushrooms and lemon. for my entree, i went with the lamb tenderloin, which is lamb breast, lamb sausage, Jerusalem artichokes, brussel sprouts and smoked garlic. my dessert was scrumptious- i had the torta di ricotta, which was ricotta and orange cheesecake. the best part of the meal was being out of the office for almost three hours, and just hanging out with my coworkers.

i just got home and am going to go for a run, and then go to my friend's bday party tonight in the lower east side. i hope the rain stops by then.

my boss asked me to attend this event next friday with a coworker. apparently there are numerous underground eating and food clubs that have been popping up all over new york, especially in williamsburg (that's in brooklyn for all you non nyers), every once in a while. the location is always at a secretive/private venue and is constantly changing- you also need a special invitation and code to purchase a ticket. anyhoo, i was able to secure a ticket with a coworker and am pretty psyched to go. yes- i agree, sometimes my job has its perks. the menu seems pretty appetizing: bacon poached swordfish? berkshire pork tartare? crispy american lamb breast? um, fuck yeah, count me in.

speaking of food, my friend treated me to dinner last night and we went to shanghai mong in koreatown. i've eaten there before, but never noticed this amazing dish they have for $8.95. they have this special that comes out with 1/2 an order of jjajangmyeon (짜장면) and 1/2 an order of jjampong (짬뽕), how fucking genius is that??

the forever ongoing debate of ordering jjajangmyeon (짜장면) or jjampong (짬뽕) at a restaurant is finally solved, amen.

i think i've been feeling extra lonely the past few weeks. i know this because everyday when i come home, all i do is look at porn for hours. i normally don't do this so often, but lately it's been all i do.

i think i'm just bored and need to find some damn things to take my mind off feeling like this. i've just been in a funk.

i've been doing this since high school and am not sure if anyone else also does this, but sometimes i just walk around by myself for hours. it's usually when i have nothing to do or nowhere to go or i want to be alone. i'll just walk around aimlessly, listening to music and... thinking. usually, i walk in my normal pace and still act like i'm in a rush and as if i was late to meet up with friends. i still sigh and express my annoyance at people when they're walking too slow in front of me or hogging the sidewalk, even though i have no destination or anyone to meet. in the end, i always end up coming home tired and feeling so blah.

i think i know what my problem is- i want too much at once. i'm always thinking about the future and what's to come, and can't ever focus on what's going on at the moment. i get sick of things so fast, the novelty wears off and i look for my next thing. i have commitment problems, phone contracts for more than a year scare the fuck out of me. i never seem to be happy with where i am or what i'm doing, the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. i hate schmoozing with a passion. i have no idea of what the fuck i want to do with my life. my best friend's roommate is my age and just got engaged. she's 25 and engaged, i'm 25 and have never been in a serious relationship.

i wish i could fall asleep at a reasonable hour. insomnia makes me feel absolutely insane.

damn you insomnia, damn you.

isn't it funny that nothing is ever what it seems?

i need a mentor.