Life isn't always just about rainbows and happiness.

"Believe,
Believe in me..."

From the song Tonight Tonight by the Smashing Pumpkins.

You're too old to over exaggerate your stories.

Fuck.

I took the Metro North from Grand Central. While there, I also had to buy a new Metrocard, and this was the card that came out of the machine. Cooool.

Enough is enough. After ten years of earnestly trying to date in my 20's, it's either time to consider some completely different approaches, or at least move on from the ones that obviously just don't suit me.

It's a new day.

It's possible to have literally nothing in the world---yet feel like you have everything in the world thanks to hope and the wonderful people around you.

Peel away the layer of magic.

I LOVE NY.

Sincerity.

Where are all the good guys at?

Out of sight, out of mind.

Hope.

"If this sounds familiar, that's because the situation resembles what many straight couples faced in trying to end their marriages before the wave of recent reforms that standardized no-fault divorce throughout the country. Same-sex couples, Sommer estimates, are operating in a divorce environment similar to the one that existed for heterosexual couples a hundred years ago."

From the New York Magazine article titled, "I Do" to "I Don't" by Jesse Green. March 4, 2013 issue.

I'm happy for you...

It's not just about yesterday, right now, or tomorrow---but the entire story instead.

"Hans Castorp enjoyed listening to the dialect, and also enjoyed Fiete's answers, likewise in Plattdeutsch, delivered while serving from the left and bending around behind his master to speak into his right ear, out of which the senator heard considerably better than the left."

From The Magic Mountain by Thomas Mann. Page 19.

I'm in love with this.

"Hustle, hustle, hustle,
Grind, grind, grind..."

From the song Hussel by M.I.A.

What an amazing day.

Why do people complicate such simple things?

Standing on Greene Street in SOHO with the construction of the Freedom Tower in the background.

According to some of my friends, I'm way out of touch with technology and how people communicate with one another in these current times...

I guess now I'm trying to figure out that fine line between normalcy and efficiency.

I'll make my own damn path.

When the only thing you lost while drunkenly celebrating your 30th birthday until 6 in the morning was Chapstick, then it was more than an awesome night.

Thank you to all my friends for such a memorable birthday back home in NYC.

It's already almost 5am, and I can hear stores on the street rolling up their metal gates.

"I guess we're just going to go back to using the original Internet---magazines."

Said by the character Betsy Punch in the sitcom, The Mindy Project. Season 1 Episode 11.

Even at the age of 30, on most nights I just don't know how to fall asleep.

Look pass the bullshit.

"And what it all comes down to,
Is that I don't have it figured out just yet..."

From the song Hand in My Pocket by Alanis Morissette.

"I'm broke but I'm happy."

From the song Hand in My Pocket by Alanis Morissette. 

"And if you don't know that by now,
Then I feel quite sorry for you,
I'm sorry for you."

From the song Pocket by Sam Sparro.

Gratitude.

There's no better way to start the day than with a cold glass of NYC tap water.

Okay 30, let's do this.

It's so great to be home.

Smile.

Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. Rejection.

Thirty is looming... HAHAHAHA.

Nobody understands.

As much as I hate sounding like a 16 y/o, it's true...

"This is the only reason me and Sonia are in Hunts Point, because this is literally right now the best heroin in all of New York City."

Said by Erik in, Sonia: Hunts Point, Bronx, from the online series, Faces of Addiction. Published Oct 14, 2012 (HERE).

"This will be the last time I ever do your hair..."

From the song Laura by The Scissor Sisters.

Learning things and looking at life differently with age is awesome.

"I tried so hard to act nice like a lady,
You taught me that it was good to be crazy."

From the song Lucky Ones by Lana Del Ray.

"Nothing you confess,
Could make me love you less.
I'll stand by you."

From the song Stand By You by The Pretenders.

"I've never believed that you can't make good, close friends in middle age and older, but the stories you tell a good friend when you're in your 20s and single are different from the ones you tell after you partner up for life; the things you do as you are trying on selves, then settling into one; intimate things even writers will not share."

From the February 6, 2013 New York Times personal essay titled, I Was Misinformed: I Had a Friend, by Joyce Wadler.

It feels good to laugh.

I feel refreshed and SO GOOD!

"I was impressed with Jack's commitment to serious writing at the expense of everything else in his life. At a time when the middle class was burgeoning with new homes, two-tone American cars, black-and-white TVs, when American happiness was defined by upwardly mobile consumerism, Kerouac etched a different existence and he wrote in an original language."

From the book Lord of Publishing: A Memoir, by Sterling Lord. Page 8.

It feels unreal but on Monday, I'll be flying to NYC for a 2-week visit.

Thank you so much to my wonderful friends---Daniel, Jess, Jenn, Judy, Junho & Susy---who all chipped in to surprise my broke-ass with a plane ticket home for my 30th birthday. This will be my first time returning to NYC since I left almost three years ago, and I just can't wait to go walk and walk and walk some more as I soak up the city.

Back when I was still living alone in Thailand, I fantasized about being back in NYC on so many lonely nights... I can't believe that I'm finally returning after what feels like a lifetime away. To be able to see my friends, sister, and turn 30 on my home-turf truly feels like a dream...

Earlier today, I was waiting in the lobby of the Hollywood Walk-In Clinic for two hours in order to receive treatment from a doctor. While there, a thought crossed my mind as I people-watched the hell out of that place: Where in the hell am I and how did I end up here?

I must say though that all the staff there was really nice and my experience was really positive. And thankfully, I'm no longer feeling sick and in immense pain. What more could anybody ask for?

Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay.

"What are you doing to change what you don't like?"

Said by Justice Sonia Sotomayor in the program, Sotomayor & Longoria: A Conversation, on PBS.

Oh, the pain...

It's palpable.

It's symbiotic.

Los Angeles.

 

Hot yoga is my savior.

"Funk is you,
Funk is me,
Funk is us,
Funk is free."

From the song Escapism by Digable Planets.

Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.

Walking around the neighborhood (or at least attempting to).

"Back in New York, Tenaglia was tiring of the cavernous gloom of Tunnel and longed for a weekly home that better resembled where the DJ bug first bit him - the Paradise Garage. He landed at Vinyl, a black-walled, single-environment, no-liquor club about one-quarter the size of Tunnel. He named the night "Be Yourself," after the self-affirming, heavy-bottomed vocal track he had recently recorded with Chicago's Celeda. And he took the name to heart: Without the pressure of bar minimums or an expectant crowd, Tenaglia spread his DJ wings. Next to new tracks he played tracks by the artists who inspired him during his youth. If he wanted to launch into a two-hour set of straight-up techno, he did. If he wanted to play old Michael Jackson records, he did. If he wanted to get on the mic and tell the crowd the name of the sound he was about to play, or who next week's guest opening DJ would be, or just give everyone a 'verbal handshake' to welcome them to the club, he did. And a city tired of drama embraced the barebones, music-centered night."

From Danny Tenaglia's biography on www.DannyTenaglia.com.

Those were some fun times.

Get over it.

"My biggest mistake was not putting 100% in everything I did while in my twenties. I procrastinated, sneered, contemplated and waited a little too long sometimes. Nothing is a waste of time in your twenties. Just do it."

Said by the architect Jing Lu in the article, It Gets Better: Our Favorite Ladies Share Their Twentysomething, by Abby Schreiber on Papermag.com

"Can anybody stop this thing?
Before my head explodes,
Or my head starts to ring."

From the song High Speed by Coldplay.

Close laptop. Try to fall asleep. Stare into the dark ceiling. Overwhelmed by my thoughts. Anxiety. Frustrated that I can't fall asleep. Frustrated about a lot of other stuff. Turn on light. Open book. Distracted. Slam book shut. Turn off light. Try to fall asleep. Stare into the dark ceiling. Overwhelmed by my thoughts. Turn on iPad. Attempt to read. Distracted. Turn off iPad. Try to fall asleep. Stare into the dark ceiling. Overwhelmed by my thoughts. Open laptop. Check email and news. Update Blogspot. Peruse useless sites. Tell myself I'm wasting time and that I should try to fall asleep. Irritated. Check email again. More news. Close laptop. Try to fall asleep. Stare into the dark ceiling. Drowning in my thoughts and in desperate need of a distraction. Open laptop. Start new document in Microsoft Word. Stare at blinking cursor for a new short story idea. Check email. Refresh. Back to new short story. Type something, then delete. Type something, then delete. Distracted. Frustration. Close new short story document without saving. Open an already started short story that needs to be finished. Re-read. Stare at the blinking cursor. Type something, then delete. Type something, then delete. Assure myself I'll finish the short story soon before I close up the document. Open another incomplete short story that I should finally finish. Re-read. Stare at the blinking cursor. Type something, then delete. Type something, then delete. Assure myself I'll finish this short story soon before closing the document. Close laptop. Try to fall asleep. Stare into the dark ceiling. Overwhelmed by my thoughts. Open laptop. Check email and news. Refresh. Blogspot. Tell myself that I'm wasting time and that I should try to fall asleep. Close laptop. Repeat obsessively for hours in some variation until finally falling asleep.

Break the addiction.

Staring out the kitchen window.

"All the truth that I needed,
Was right there in your smile."

From the song Eclipse by Robyn.

There's the reality of a situation, and then there's what people believe that reality to be in their own head...