Insist.

"We here, Chiron."

Said by Kevin in the movie Moonlight.

Dear pasta,

Thank you for yet another year of being my Valentine's. You will always be my #1 everything.

Love,
Tae

I turned 34 today.

Another year, another meal.

Please don't feel the need to show me anything on your phone.

Just send me a link and I'll look at it when I feel like it.

"You have to learn to accept who you are, and who you aren't."

Said by Delilah in the podcast Conversations with Delilah. Episode The Foundation Of Love.

Oh, this? It's my bag full of receipts.

Excitement will keep me going through the hard times.

It's a snow day here in New York. The sky is white and completely washed out. I'm grateful to be at home though, experiencing it from bed.

My room is super bright right now because it still doesn't have any blinds or curtains. I've pretty much been stuck here since waking up but now I'm getting hungry. And since I have no food, I'm trying to figure out how to change that.

I had a really good meal last night though. Actually, two of them. I went to Lalo for dinner with my friend Marisa, and then we eventually ended up eating at 69 Bayard as our last stop of the evening. I guess even though a night out is bookended with great food, you still always gotta eat again the next day.

I just want to look at pictures of pasta all day.

It's easier to just add a word in a Microsoft Word document if it's something you plan to use for a very long time.

It's like, hello word. Welcome.

In elementary school, I used to think that Elle magazine was named after the model Elle Macpherson.

I thought being a successful model meant magazines named themselves after you. Clearly, I was just a misguided young gay.

Sometimes, the year can start with so many different things all at once. The good, the bad, the tragic, or even life-changing.

Things are happening, and I'm ready to make moves.

Social media is the Internet.

Serve.
Server.
Severe.

I don't want to think about it x100.

I went to Philadelphia on Monday to interview a restaurateur for this private freelance writing gig. My trip was literally just for a few hours. I took a half-day at work to take the Amtrak there in the afternoon, and then took a returning train back at 9pm. The train ride to Philly was so painless and easy. And in the short while I was there, the city itself seemed really nice. It definitely makes me want to take a day trip sometime to go check out more sites and try some of the city's good food.

I guess the exciting thing about it all is that I got to get out of New York for a few hours because of writing. Baby steps...

I've always hoped my life would get bigger with age. More love. More people. More success. More money. But the only thing that feels like is getting bigger is my waistline.

Isn't dabbing just sneezing into your shoulder?

"And once you grow up, the things that you're ashamed of are going to be the truth that other people love you for."

Said by Kimchi in reality show Rupaul's Drag Race. Season 8, Episode 9.

"You know she was a queen,
she lived in Queens."

From the song She Don't Really Care_1 Luv by Alicia Keys.

Vulnerability.

Dear friends,

Please check out my first story of 2017 for VICE's MUNCHIES: Inside the Final Hours of One of New York's Best Restaurants.

Thank you.

"When I'm walking by I want to roll my eyes,
in my pink sunglasses."

From the song Pink Sunglasses by Miranda Lambert.

It's a snowy Saturday afternoon here in New York.

I got to my friend Junho's place in the Upper West Side a few hours ago to dog-sit for the next couple of days. The view outside his window right now is a complete wash of snow and wind with a tinge of pink in the sky. It's nice to be indoors after being outside in the weather earlier though. I forgot how much of a thigh workout it is to try walking on snowy sidewalks during a storm without falling on your ass.

Happy 2017 everybody.

It's a new year! And what does that mean? Not much.

I think at this point in my life, I'm learning to not get so caught up on things like that. I don't want to focus on stuff I desperately want to change about myself. I prefer to concentrate on what I plan to get done instead. And for that, it takes steps. Baby steps. Big steps. Risky steps. Any steps, actually. But as long as I'm moving in the right direction, it's alright with me.

One thing though that I am feeling is excited. I don't know about what, but I'm good with that for now. Or maybe it's because I just spent the last hour scrolling through memes that had me laughing pretty hard? I wouldn't be surprised if that has something to do with it.

I re-watched Singin' In The Rain earlier before falling into a deep hole of Debbie Reynolds videos on YouTube for another three hours.

And now, I've finally reached a point where I'm ready to let go. Goodbye Debbie. Rest in peace to you and your daughter.

Dear friends,

Please check out this story I wrote for GOTHAMIST: It's Last Call On The Shift Drink In Some NYC Restaurants & Bars.

Thanks.

Merry Christmas!

"It was in New Orleans. I took one look at this thing on stage and said 'This is going to be one of the world's greatest alcoholic-tweakers ever.'"

Said by Lady Bunny at 2016 Toronto Pride. 

Run on questions.

"She was the person who admitted that said she was a foodaholic. And that night she had taken some frozen hot dogs buns and poured some maple syrup over them and ate them."

Said by Debbie DeMaio in the podcast Making Oprah. Season 1, Episode 1.

Today was such a good day.

"You better work."

From the song Supermodel by RuPaul.

"Head to toe, soul player."

From the song 24k Magic by Bruno Mars.

"I think art is a lot more interesting than drugs are and takes you to much deeper levels of interpretation about life."

Said by Carol Dunham in the podcast, Women of the Hour with Lena Dunham. Season 2, Bonus Episode.

There's an onion in every opinion.

"'Cause tramps like us,
baby we were born to run."

From the song Born To Run by Bruce Springsteen.

Happy Monday morning.

Ditz.
Zits.
Tits.

The problem is never the end of the story.

"There's a hole in my heart,
I've been hiding."

From the song Hallelujah by Alicia Keys.

"That's why the Lord continues to bless you. Because you have an attitude of gratitude."

Said by Vivica A. Fox on the podcast, RuPaul: What's the Tee?. Episode 54.

"'Cause life is too short,
to fall in New York."

From the song Pawn It All by Alicia Keys.

THOTS NEED SHOTS.

Reading the news this morning made me want to eat pasta until I black out. It's still taking time to sink in.

I watched Moonlight yesterday afternoon, and really liked it.

The story and acting were so moving, and the entirety of the film was completely transporting. Its visual experience was also intense, which on top was heightened by an awesome soundtrack. What the main character goes through felt tough to watch at times because no one should ever endure what he did. And that feeling of helplessness and anger seemed so relatable. To watch him be punished for simply being, the injustice was too much. As a gay man, there were definitely emotions from the main character that felt familiar. Throughout the entire movie, it was just like wow, how do you even create something this amazing? I loved how it engrossed me and made me forgot about everything else in life, except for the rumbling of the nearby subway of course. I watched the movie at Angelika and hadn't been to the theaters in years. The last time I did was actually also at Angelika to watch The Lunchbox, so feeling the train was a funny throwback.

I was thinking again just now about the ending of the movie. It made me realize that my conclusion about it could've been wrong. And that the story of the characters could've lived on in a different way, which made me happy. The film has been in my head since watching. There were so many layers to the story that are still being peeled back.

Release.

Everyone's out there getting married and starting families, and I'm just here getting adult braces.

I long,
to belong.
To lend my voice to a song,
sung by a chorus so strong.
Lifted by a bond,
unbreakable to beyond.

Getting new magazines in the mail is the only thing I have to look forward to when coming home.

Write it down.

Asshole.

"I won't worry my life away."

From the song The Remedy (I Won't Worry) by Jason Mraz.

...should've stayed home.

"But I was, honestly, stunned when you yelled at us from down the block, 'Go back to China!'

I hesitated for a second and then sprinted to confront you. That must have startled you. You pulled out your iPhone in front of the Equinox and threatened to call the cops. It was comical, in retrospect. You might have been charged instead, especially after I walked away and you screamed, 'Go back to your fucking country.'

'I was born in this country!' I yelled back.

It felt silly. But how else to prove I belonged?'"

From the October 9, 2016, New York Times story: An Open Letter to the Woman Who Told My Family to Go Back to China. By Michael Luo.

Of course this sort of shit happened here in New York. As diverse as this city this, these types of ignorant people definitely exist. And growing up here, I've had my fair share of these encounters.

This even just recently happened to my sister and brother-in-law, who live right across the George Washington Bridge in Bergen County, New Jersey. They have a neighbor who harasses people of color in their area. She often screams "Go back to your country!" not only to my brother-in-law, but to neighborhood children who are minorities as well. It's absolutely deplorable.

With different races, ethnicities, religions, and Americans gaining more legal and societal rights in our current times, there will inevitably be those racists who think their own happiness is being negatively affected by it. But another person's growth does not equate to something being stolen from you and your life. There's nothing American about blaming others for your unhappiness.

That.

Cool does not pay the bills.

Real friends let you know in advance that they're coming to town.

I appreciate how sports are in the now.

"Start Out Disappointed If at All Possible
If my career had turned out like the fantasy I had of what it was going to be, it would never have made me happy. But I couldn't have know that until it didn't happen. I found success that is so much bigger and deeper and better, and it's because it happened later. If any of what I'm having happen now---the successes---would have happened to me when I was younger, I would have been ruined. Because when you're young, and things come super easily to you, and you have success right out of the gate, you're liable to think that's how it actually works. You start to think you don't need to be fully prepared or committed to have these things meet you."

From the story, Do Not Be Quick to Succeed, in the October 2016 issue of GQ. By Sarah Paulson.

Let the garden grow.

This monotony is killing me.

"One day this boy will be fine.
Better watch out now,
that day might be today."

From the song Winston Churchill's Boy by Benjamin Clementine.

As Sunday evening begins, it's nice to finish the weekend off by just hanging in bed.  

I've been on vacation for the past week, so I need to decompress and mentally prepare for Monday morning. My time off was great though, and much needed. It began with the wedding of a good childhood friend, and then a trip out to California to visit other friends who recently had babies.

Natalia and I have been friends since high school, and she moved to San Francisco a few years ago to be with her boyfriend, Mark. The two of them eventually became engaged, and the happy couple got married in New York last Sunday. Natalia and Mark both looked beautiful together at their wedding. Throughout the ceremony, I couldn't take my eyes off the bride's face. I was just so happy for her. Sitting there and witnessing this huge milestone of hers, I couldn't help but reminisce about all of the other big moments in life we had gone through together. I'm so proud of her and wish nothing but the best for her and Mark. 

I saw a lot of old friends I hadn't seen in a while as well, so the wedding's intimate guest list made the reception feel like one the best reunions ever. Fifteen years ago, my friends and I were all just kids from Queens about to start our freshman years of college. And now a decade-and-a-half later, here we all we were, celebrating the wedding of one of our very own with the growing skyline of Manhattan's west side all around. A lot has happened for each of us since our college days when we spent much of our time together. But none of that mattered. Being there with everyone as we laughed, danced, and shared stories, it brought out these emotions that made me feel like we were all back at that age again. It's that feeling of exuberance one has before the reality of adulthood seems to beat it out of you. I had completely forgotten about how it invigorates every cell of the body, drowning out everything that does nothing to contribute to its merriment---where limitless hope in the promise of tomorrow seemed to be the foundation to our days. Later in the night when one of my friends remarked that I had the same giggle from high school, it left me a little stunned. All I could wonder was wow, you still remember my giggle from high school? There's actually someone out there who remembers that about me from so long ago? 

Natalia and Mark's wedding was humbling on so many levels. On top of seeing a good friend get married to their soulmate, it left me feeling a bit stronger about who I am and where I'm from. I needed that reminder. 

The day after the wedding, I flew to Los Angeles to visit my friends Jenn and Daniel. I can't believe it's already been three years since I lived with them and moved back to New York. There's been a lot of change for them since then, mainly in the fact that they have two lovely children now. Their youngest, Isabella, is just over a month old, and their eldest, Bradley, will be three in February. Seeing Jenn and Daniel again and finally meeting their precious kids was such a joy. Staying with them for a week gave me a glimpse into the lives of their growing family, and all the hard work and love they put forth into their daily lives. They're such great parents and I'm so proud of them as well.

This past week was great with lots of glimpses of the past, and it's left me more than ready to forge on in my future.

"I would have Sunday dinner out, always confining my order to pasta and wine. It represented a calm, focused moment before the start of a hectic week. More than that, the meal was an opportunity to distill dining to its essence; something to stick to my ribs, and something to go to my head."

From Food & Wine's October 2016 issue: Scenes from an Italian Restaurant. Written by Frank Bruni.

"A powerful explosion caused by what the authorities believe was a homemade bomb injured at least 29 people on a crowded sidewalk in the bustling Chelsea neighborhood of Manhattan on Saturday night, according to authorities, who later found what they described as a second explosive device four blocks away."

From the September 17, 2016, New York Times article: Powerful Blast Injures at Least 29 in Manhattan; Second Device Found. Written by Christopher Mele, Al Baker, and Michael Barbaro.

The reality of our times just feels too real.

Where the bomb went off isn't far from my office. I'm pretty familiar with 23rd Street between 6th and 7th Avenue, especially the north side of it. There's a subway station for the 1 Train near the corner, and used to be where I got off for work before I moved here to Queens. My barbershop, which I just got a haircut from last week, is also on the block.

It was reported that the explosion came out of a dumpster, which wouldn't have happened on too many other streets of Manhattan. Stationary dumpsters sitting in front of buildings aren't a common thing, except for when there's some sort of construction being done there. The dumpster where the blast happened has been there for as far as I can remember. The sidewalk right next to it is covered in scaffolding and men do work there during the daytime. What's worst is that the building is housing for the Associated Blind. I would always see blind residents and their handlers waiting in front of the building to get picked up or being dropped off at it. I hope everyone is okay.

New York legit.

"In the picture, he departs from this earth like an arrow. Although he has not chosen his fate, he appears to have, in his last instants of life, embraced it. If he were not falling, he might very well be flying. He appears relaxed, hurtling through the air. He appears comfortable in the grip of unimaginable motion. He does not appear intimidated by gravity's divine suction or by what awaits him. His arms are by his side, only slightly outriggered. His left leg is bent at the knee, almost casually. His white shirt, or jacket, or frock, is billowing free of his black pants. His black high-tops are still on his feet. In all the other pictures, the people who did what he did---who jumped---appear to be struggling against horrific discrepancies of scale. They are made puny by the backdrop of the towers, which loom like colossi, and then by the event itself. Some of them are shirtless; their shoes fly off as they flail and fall; they look confused, as though trying to swim down the side of a mountain. The man in the picture, by contract, is perfectly vertical, and so is in accord with the lines of the buildings behind him. He splits them, bisects them: Everything to the left of him in the picture is the North Tower; everything to the right, the South. Though oblivious to the geometric balance he has achieved, he is the essential element in the creation of a new flag, a banner composed entirely of steel bars shining in the sun. Some people who look at the picture see stoicism, willpower, a portrait of resignation; others see something else---something discordant and therefore terrible: freedom. There is something almost rebellious in the man's posture, as though once faced with the inevitability of death, he decided to get on with it; as though he were a missile, a spear, bent on attaining his own end. He is, fifteen seconds past 9:41 a.m. EST, the moment the picture is taken, in the clutches of pure physics, accelerating at a rate of thirty-two feet per second squared. He will soon be traveling at upwards of 150 miles per hour, and he is upside down. In the picture, he is frozen; in his life outside the frame, he drops and keeps dropping until he disappears."

From the September 9, 2016, story on Esquire.com: The Falling Man. Written by Tom Junod.

Fifteen years... and yet it still feels like yesterday.

Rest in peace to all of those who perished on that tragic day.

"But don't run, even if it gets tough."

Said by the character Dongtak in the KBS series, The Unusual Family. Episode 88.