"He might have wanted to decisively separate himself from the self he used to be."

From the book Killing Commendatore by Haruki Murakami. Page 282.

Everyday love.
Love everyday.

This is the only thing I know.

Dude, I’m like so over you.

The past few weeks or so.

No one is one dimensional. Perceptions are.

You'll miss this.

Teenage couples who are deeply in love will take up an entire subway row of seats without thinking twice.

Because it makes me feel good.

There come times in life where it's undeniable that a critical turning point has arrived.

And deep in my heart, I know that I am currently at one of these pivotal moments right now.

It all started a few weeks ago, and since then, it's been one unforeseen significant thing happening after another. At first, it just seemed like a row of bad luck with a shitty thing here, an unlucky thing there. But then I stepped back from it all to give it a closer thought. Why? Why was all this happening now at once? And then it began to make sense. The realization didn't come straight away, but it took the 4th bad incident within weeks for it to truly hit me. And what it's all come to mean is that something is happening in the form of change. And that I am changing. It's not my world around me or the elements of my life that are changing, but it's me. I am. And wow, I see it now. I truly see it. I'm not the same person as I was from just a month ago, and that's not just hyperbole. This awareness has only made me feel lighter and happier. I feel free in a way, and ready for what's next. In fact, I'm god damn excited about life. I don't care if what happens is good or bad, but I am fucking excited about it all. At this point of my life of 35, I'm so humbled to know better. To take what I've been given and seek meaning and purpose from it. A lifetime of watching Oprah and being open to receive those lessons others have so clearly explained from their own personal hindsight has all been for this moment right now. All of my previous down periods in life filled with struggle, confusion, and anger has been for this moment right now. Because thanks to all that, I understand that everything happening is here to help me and make me stronger. To help clean the slate of an older version of me, and turn the page to that next fresh chapter. Because there's no other way to accept it. There simply isn't. Not embracing it this way would be to fight it, and to fight life means to lose in life. I'm not going to fight it. I'm going to love it even harder and squeeze it until it turns blue. Yes, there will be tears, because there already have been within the past few weeks. But that's okay. I've earned those tears. They're mine and I'll show them to the world or whoever else I please. Because I'll proudly taste the salt from those tears to remind me that there is no flavor in life without that salt. It's a necessity to being. And I can use it now to fight any other aspects of my life and its struggles. It will sting and even hurt me, but I'll be okay. When I went over to my parents' place for Thanksgiving last month, it had been the first time in years that it was just my immediate family and me celebrating. We usually do a bigger thing with all my relatives, but this year, it was just my parents, sisters, and brother-in-law. I've always appreciated more intimate settings, and I can't express how much fun we all had together. Starting at 3pm until the late night, the only thing on our agenda was to eat, laugh, drink, and talk, with all of us eventually zonking out and crashing at my parents' place. I woke up the next morning so happy, because I realized I already have everything I need. I have my family, and am so grateful we all have our health. And then there's my chosen family of a close-knit group of friends who truly get me and support me. And no revolving factors of my life can change this foundation of mine. This feels like one of the hardest times I've been through in recent times, but I totally get it now. And it's from all of these unexpected setbacks that's forced me to see the other crucial changes I must make in my life. Habits. People. Vices. Ultimately, carrying out these will be even more difficult than the surprise ones from the last few weeks. Because these necessary changes that are now so obvious are in my control. It's up to me to make them. They won't be done for me. But I'm okay with that. Even with puberty, I've always been a late bloomer in life. But oh man, this lesson has finally hit me and I'm here. And I've never been happier and felt more solid as a person. I'm awake. I'm recharged. I'm prepared.

You know that scene in I Know What You Did Last Summer, when Jennifer Love Hewitt's character is fed up and screams out to the sky, "What are you waiting for!?" for the second time as she does that cute little spin? Yeah, that's how I'm feeling right now. But in a more optimistic, cheery way.

Cough.
Couch.

"Hey Sis,
it's Christmas.
You can cross me off of your wishlist."

From the song Hey Sis, It's Christmas by RuPaul.

Those hidden scars are the ones that need the most love and care to heal.

"What are you most proud of thus far in your career?
I don't really like to congratulate myself. I'm happy that I've gotten to this place, but I'm not in any way, shape or form even close to being done. I'm just getting started and there's so much work to be done in the community."

From the November 30, 2018, Fashionista article: How Lindsay Peoples Wagner Worked Her Way From Closet Intern to Editor-in-Chief at "Teen Vogue." By Dara Prant.

"Let go of your doubts, 

say yes.
Let it soak up into the flesh."

From the song Honey by Robyn.

"I learned to let go.
I travel in stillness.
And I'll remember, 

happiness."

From the song I'll Remember by Madonna.

"And I'll remember,
the strength that you gave me,

now that I'm standing on my own."

From the song I'll Remember by Madonna.

Eye crust.
Pie crust.
Pizza crust.

It's like you just replay it over and over again.

"In every living soul, a spirit cries for expression--perhaps this plaintive, wailing song of Jazz is, after all, the misunderstood utterance of a prayer."

From the movie The Jazz Singer.

Get used to it.

Men. You.
Menu.

This can't all just be happening at once... this can't all just be a coincidence.

"In all this confusion."

From the song Just an Illusion by Imagination.

Turkey tomorrow.

Possible new title for a short story: The Typo That Ruined His Life

"It's just an illusion."

From the song Just an Illusion by Imagination.

The past few weeks or so.

Handwritten notes.

"Didn't she look like a girl that had everything, hm?"

Said by Edith Beale in the documentary Grey Gardens.

When I was leaving the office today, the snow had already started to really come down.

It was a surprising view of the building's entrance. This was still from the inside where it was warm, but I knew it was time to leave. I took one last look of the street, with its whipping flurries and passersby fighting against the elements of the moment. I'd be leaving the toasty hallway right then to start the rest of my day, and life.

After getting home a little before 3pm, I decided to go back out and get some air. Even though the weather was bad, I still left my place in Harlem and headed downtown. I ended up walking for a bit, and then caught the 9:35pm showing of a movie at Quad Cinema. I watched this Korean movie called Burning, and it had been my first time back to the Quad since they remodeled it. I have a lot of memories at that theatre. I always liked going there because of the smaller theatre sizes, and many years ago, I even took my friend Annie there to watch a gay movie hours after coming out to her.

Cindy Crawford. Full stop.

Good one!

Good point.

Like pasta, motivation comes in so many forms.

Unbothered.

I love getting my braces tightened, and playing around with changing the colors of the bands.

It'll be yellow and aqua for the next 4 weeks.

The McRib is apparently back for a limited time, but how cruel is the fact that it's not going to be sold here in NYC.

That's like, seriously messed up.

My dad came by my apartment just before to drop off some Korean food that he and my mom had prepared for me. My parents and both of my sisters live in Bergen County, New Jersey, so I am the last of my immediate family remaining in New York.

The photo below doesn't include some steaks and fresh vegetables I had already put away, and I am beyond grateful for the home cooked food (plus ramen and bubble gum).

I love you 엄마 and 아빠!

Beefy.

Have fun with it!

"'Poor families use food to compensate for other realms of scarcity,' she [Priya Fielding-Singh] says. While they may not have the means to buy their kids bikes or fancy clothes, they can 'splurge' on inexpensive ice cream or soda when their kids ask for it. 'In a world where parents have to constantly say no to their kids' wishes, cheap junk food offers them a rare chance to say yes.' And all parents understand these foods aren't healthy. 'No one told me, 'Giving my kid a doughnut is a healthy option.' Everyone wanted their kids to eat more fruits and vegetables,' she says. But for low-income parents, these small treats reinforce feelings they can provide joy for their kids."

From the article The Poor Diet in the November issue of Eating Well magazine. Written by Simran Sethi.

Hello, 5pm darkness.

"I've loved and I've lost,
but that's not what I see.
So, look what I got.

look what you taught me"

From the song Thank U, Next by Ariana Grande.

My retail therapy is buying cookbooks on sale through the Apple Books store.

There's always an ever-changing selection of them in the $5 and under section, providing access to recipes and stories of some of the industry's best for just a few bucks. This is also definitely what I scroll though the most throughout my day, because I've noticed that sometimes a cookbook will pop-up and disappear from the sale section in what seems like a short time. There have been instances where I saw a cookbook on sale but didn't buy it at that moment. Then I would go back a little later and search for it directly and press Buy Book without thinking, just to realize it was listed back to its full price.

I'm not a huge shopper, so buying cookbooks this way gives me that instant gratification I'm looking for. It's healthier than buying food, and definitely better than blowing my money on other stuff I'll eventually regret and toss. Because I've moved so many times as an adult, I've come to prefer owning as little physical possessions as possible. So this digital cookbook addiction of mine satisfies without all the guilt. And each one is so cheap that I convince myself it's not a big deal. Plus, I tell myself that at least it feels like I'm building something. I've amassed this huge library of culinary knowledge I can refer to anytime I like. The depth of information in the form of gorgeous photos and quality writing available at the swipe of my fingertips feels priceless to me. I think it's pretty cool in a way because scrolling through food content is my favorite pastime after actually eating, so what better way is there to dick around and waste time on.

I had been buying cookbooks this way on the daily for a while, and never really thought about the total number I had in my collection. Then I looked at the number this week and saw that I had accumulated 300+, which really blew my mind. That means this little shopping hobby of mine, with a few dollars here and a few bucks there, has definitely built up to costing over a grand at this point. I mean, considering the retail value of them all and the hard work that was put into producing each book, it's well worth it. But I'll be damned, that's still a significant total amount of money for purchases that felt so little at the time.

You know that scene in Tampopo, when that group of ladies are taking the dining etiquette course in that fancy restaurant, and then they all start to loudly slurp their spaghetti while inhaling the pasta?

Yeah, I want that to be the soundtrack to my entire day, everyday.

"Snap out of it!"

Said by Cher in the show Will & Grace. Season 3, Episode 7.

Recently, so many of my dreams involve these large gatherings with a hodgepodge of random people from my life.

Last night, I dreamt I was living on a farmhouse that was actually located in the Upper West Side somewhere. I even had a little land with lots of green grass where sheep were roaming. In my dream, I was having this huge party that was attended by lots of old coworkers and friends. The most vivid part of it had my old boss Phet and the staff from his restaurant playing soccer on the field next to my house. And as I was standing in some gazebo watching them play, I had one of those clear plastic iced coffee cups that I was filling with vodka and ice instead. In the dream, I was so happy after having discovered this ability to drink alcohol secretly while in the open.

But nowadays, I honestly don't go out or drink as much as I used to, so just thinking about sipping on that iced coffee cup filled with vodka makes me feel nauseous.

I feel like it's been too long since I've made a life choice that truly scares me. And that it's time I do something about it.

The only thing getting me through the week is Robyn's new album coming out on Friday.

Have you ever truly looked at someone’s face? And I mean study it closely and focus on each part individually to see how it all comes together for a look? How a glance is so different than a stare into the eyes? Seeing the possibilities of how they looked when younger, and how they’ll change even more in the future? With their eyes as the foundation of who they are that has remained true and is recognizable to this day?

Gays’ gaze.

You know how in that science fiction book, the lotto prize was $1.6B? And then half a century later that was the same amount an Effxinflnzr was paid per post because of the world's population?

Toucan.
Two can.
To can.

"Whatever I do,
I'm thinking of you."

From the song Thinking of You by Hurts.

Homebody.
Home, buddy.

Who I am. And where you'll find me.

Today is National Pasta Day.

I plan to observe this important holiday for the next 364 days.

The arrival of fall weather here in New York is such a much needed relief.

I decided to celebrate today by switching out my summer duvet cover to my winter one, and then included it with the rest of my bedding for a thorough wash.

I am so excited to crawl into bed later...

Familiar.
Family.

I'm sorry, I can't. Because I don't want to.

"Mrs. Brown: Win or lose, it's all the same. It's how you take it that counts. And knowing when to let go, knowing when it's over and time to go on to the next thing. 
Velvet: The next thing?
Mrs. Brown: Things come suitable to the time, Velvet. Enjoy each thing, then forget it and on on to the next. There's a time for everything. There's a time for having a horse in the Grand National. Being in love. Having children. Yes, even for dying. All in proper order at the proper time."

From the movie National Velvet.

"Large dreams come easier when it's dark and still."

Said by Mrs. Brown in the movie National Velvet.

"Miss Sims: What do you dream about, hour after hour?
Velvet: Things."

From the movie National Velvet.

I will eat it until it makes my stomach hurt.

Crisis.
Cry, sis.

"Many writers say this, and they're lying — but I'm not lying."

Said by Haruki Murakami in his October 10, 2018, New York Times interview: Haruki Murakami on the Writing Life, His Fantastical New Novel and the Joys of the Mundane. By Sarah Lyall.

Ritual.
Rich! You all.

"Level up."

From the song Level Up by Ciara.

This morning felt like the first time in a while where I needed to turn on my bathroom lights to shower. I had been going off natural light coming through the window for months, and was saddened by its sudden departure today.

A cat with a blue coat of fur in Harlem.