I feel like it's been too long since I've made a life choice that truly scares me. And that it's time I do something about it.

The only thing getting me through the week is Robyn's new album coming out on Friday.

Have you ever truly looked at someone’s face? And I mean study it closely and focus on each part individually to see how it all comes together for a look? How a glance is so different than a stare into the eyes? Seeing the possibilities of how they looked when younger, and how they’ll change even more in the future? With their eyes as the foundation of who they are that has remained true and is recognizable to this day?

Gays’ gaze.

You know how in that science fiction book, the lotto prize was $1.6B? And then half a century later that was the same amount an Effxinflnzr was paid per post because of the world's population?

Toucan.
Two can.
To can.

"Whatever I do,
I'm thinking of you."

From the song Thinking of You by Hurts.

Homebody.
Home, buddy.

Who I am. And where you'll find me.

Today is National Pasta Day.

I plan to observe this important holiday for the next 364 days.

The arrival of fall weather here in New York is such a much needed relief.

I decided to celebrate today by switching out my summer duvet cover to my winter one, and then included it with the rest of my bedding for a thorough wash.

I am so excited to crawl into bed later...

Familiar.
Family.

I'm sorry, I can't. Because I don't want to.

"Mrs. Brown: Win or lose, it's all the same. It's how you take it that counts. And knowing when to let go, knowing when it's over and time to go on to the next thing. 
Velvet: The next thing?
Mrs. Brown: Things come suitable to the time, Velvet. Enjoy each thing, then forget it and on on to the next. There's a time for everything. There's a time for having a horse in the Grand National. Being in love. Having children. Yes, even for dying. All in proper order at the proper time."

From the movie National Velvet.

"Large dreams come easier when it's dark and still."

Said by Mrs. Brown in the movie National Velvet.

"Miss Sims: What do you dream about, hour after hour?
Velvet: Things."

From the movie National Velvet.

I will eat it until it makes my stomach hurt.

Crisis.
Cry, sis.

"Many writers say this, and they're lying — but I'm not lying."

Said by Haruki Murakami in his October 10, 2018, New York Times interview: Haruki Murakami on the Writing Life, His Fantastical New Novel and the Joys of the Mundane. By Sarah Lyall.

Ritual.
Rich! You all.

"Level up."

From the song Level Up by Ciara.

This morning felt like the first time in a while where I needed to turn on my bathroom lights to shower. I had been going off natural light coming through the window for months, and was saddened by its sudden departure today.

A cat with a blue coat of fur in Harlem.

Resilience.

"I finished her life story."

Said by Jane Fonda about her mom in the HBO documentary: Jane Fonda in Five Acts.

Wow, what an incredible life Jane Fonda has lived so far.

"I'm wearing a new dress, 
new hat.
New ideas,
as a matter of fact!
I've changed for good."

From the song New Attitude by Patti LaBelle.

It's impossible to not feel pumped up with this song in my earbuds.

I've been waking up from such vivid dreams for the past few weeks.

Friends who I have not seen or talked to in a while will sometimes make an appearance, and I've used it as a funny reason to text them hi and start a conversation. But then there are other former friends who are now long lost acquaintances, where it would feel weird reaching out. One person in particular is still very fresh on my mind right now because I just woke up, and his presence in my dream was so unexpected and made me happy. I was elated to see him and told him so. But our relationship is no longer like that, and I'll just have to wish him well from afar.

Dear friends,

Please check out my latest food story that I wrote for Eater: A Chef’s Quest to Bring North Korean Cold Noodles to America

Thanks.

"And you know what's so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is, however long they've lived without it. No one forgets the truth, Frank. They just get better at lying."

Said by the character April in the movie Revolutionary Road.

Bubbles are made to be burst.

Today feels like such a weird Monday.

Even emotional eating feels so unfulfilling.

Happy Sunday, everyone. It's a hot September day here in New York (shout out to global warming!). Even though it's my one day of the week to sleep in, I got up early today and decided to try and be productive. I purged some old crap in my closet, Swiffered my tiny little room, and gulped a tall glass of cold water with a splash of apple cider vinegar in it before heading out. In general, I think I've been spending too much of my free time eating, vegetating, and scrolling at home. Don't get me wrong, I love doing it and hiding away from the world. But these words aren't going to write themselves. And the subways are always messed up on the weekends, so that makes me want to hibernate even more. But alas, I'm happy to be out and about today. Speaking of the subway, why does it feel like the MTA doesn't give a shit about New Yorkers? Everyday, there is so much such annoying bullshit to deal with. The trains are always late, packed, stalled, or just seem dysfunctional in general. And this happens on a daily basis. The subway station closest to my apartment closed for renovations this July and is set to re-open in November. That means I have to use the next closest train station on that subway line, which isn't too far from me so it's fine. But then that station has been closed on the weekends for the past few weeks, so it's just like, ugh, what the fuck. I basically live off podcasts from Oprah and RuPaul to help me get through my commutes. I came to my old college campus right now to just sit with my computer for a bit. I haven't been doing this as often as I should because the workweek leaves me mentally depleted with little bandwidth for anything else. But I can't think about it like that. I have to think of this as a mental regeneration instead. Forcing those reminders upon myself is the only way to get back in the habit of trying to get shit done. And I have to admit that forgetting about any big life lessons or epiphanies I share here on this blog happens often. I rewatched The Devil Wears Prada the other night, and when Emily Blunt's character repeats to herself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job," I laughed so hard. It's like yes, girl, that's the spirit. Fake it 'til you make it. Tell yourself whatever you need to make sure you're pushing along. Because I've learned that no one or particular thing is ever going to motivate me like the way I can for myself. It's up to me, and no one else. I've got to do it for myself, and because I want to. So back to the topic of being productive on the weekends. It helps that I have a reason to leave my house every Saturday morning, and that always gets me moving. For the past two years, I've been tutoring a young student in writing every Saturday. She lives in Flushing, so it takes me a good hour-and-a-half to get to her house from Harlem. The length of the commute there is totally fine because I can catch up on my reading, but it's more just the unexpected track work and delays of the MTA and subways on Saturday mornings that really irritate me. But I actually truly enjoy spending the two hours of tutoring time with her every week, and look forward to it. On top of also being Korean-American from the same hometown, she attends the same junior high school as I did in Flushing. But it's not just from having similar roots that helps our bond, it's our personalities, too. She works really hard and has this openness to learning, and I'm grateful to be able to present any sort of guidance and help in whatever she needs. It's truly humbling, and always leaves me with a surge of positivity and hope in everything. She's just a good kid who gives a shit, and I like her energy. It's completely refreshing in a world where most of my interactions are with adults who sometimes don't seem like a good person, or like they give a shit. I feel like she and I have gotten to know each other well in the past two years, so we're able to laugh and enjoy ourselves during our sessions. I purposely never used to share too much personal info with her, but I decided to casually come out to her in a subtle way earlier this year, and wondered how she'd react. But when I did, she barely thought anything of it. And I realized it was more me who had the issues and reservations about it. Even a few months ago, I forgot why the topic came up, but as we were talking, when it came to saying the word gay, I whispered it instead of saying it out loud like the rest of my sentence. It was just instinct and something I was used to doing in order to protect myself and not cause any attention. I was afraid if her mom heard it, she might get upset. But then my student laughed and reassured me, "You know, you don't have to whisper that word! It's totally fine." I chuckled along with her like I totally knew, but in reality I was more getting over the feeling of registering the internalized fear I had when it came to the word. It's moments like that that clearly show me the progress that's been made from my generation to hers. Tutoring her is also great because I like having a reason to go to Flushing for a bit every week. It's comfortable and just feels so familiar like home. I'm normally done teaching her by the mid-afternoon, and will wander around Main Street alone to grab some food afterwards. I'll usually just pop-in somewhere easy like New World Mall or other places for dumplings or something I can eat on my feet. Or other times I'll sit down to have kimbap or soondae or donkatsu at this small spot on Union Street that's been there forever. It’s where I go to satiate any cravings for casual Korean food I had in the past week. I've come to like this Saturday routine, which allows me the rest of the weekend to go get drunk or even go back home to do nothing.

"I don't care what they think. 
I don't care what they say. 
What do they know about this love anyway?"

From the song Come To My Window by Melissa Etheridge.

"사랑을 했다,

우리가 만나,
지우지 못할 추억이 됐다."

From the song Love Scenario by iKON.

I've heard this song on so many Korean memes, and always thought it was by some older folk singer. I had no idea it was by a boyband.

I just want to go to Tai Pan Bakery, buy $30 worth of goodies, and make eating it at home in stretchy pants my only priority in life this weekend.

Do it now.

Have you ever been craving something really badly, and then you actually get to eat it?

Like, wow, how cool is that? I sometimes still marvel at this ability.

Starting to read a new book is like the beginning of a fresh relationship. You have to get to know the writer and their writing style, and hit a point of finding your rhythm together. Just like people, sometimes the chemistry is there from the start, or sometimes the comfort level is found a few chapters in. Or then there are definitely the times where it doesn't happen at all, and seeing the book through to its end just doesn't seem possible.

Today marks the 17th anniversary of 9/11.

With my current office just blocks away from the World Trade Center, I sit here at my desk reflecting about all of the victims who perished that day, and all of the first responders and survivors whose health was negatively impacted in one way or another from it. It's so sad and humbling to think about. Rest in peace to all those who died, and for all who continue to fight for the freedom of our country, thank you for your service.

No hustle, no respect.

There's this amazing clarity that comes with getting just a small taste of what you think you've wanted your entire life. It's from realizing that you've been wrong about it for years, and the feeling is so liberating.

It's never what you think. Like, ever.

The only thing I know to be true is the goodness I want to see more in the world.

I've come to realize that the ego is a lot more dangerous than self-doubt. It brings out the worst in people.

It had been a few weeks since I heard from my mom, so I decided to give her a call today around lunch time to say hi.

As soon as she picked up, the first thing she said was, "I can't believe you called me just now, because I was in the middle of writing you a text!"

And that was without a doubt, the highlight of my day.

Please hire me to go write about something.

Yes, I am hungry.

Gut.

The taste of kimchi dunked in the soup of ramen is the flavor of my childhood.

Society and the Internet are playing one long miserable game of telephone.

Can we just go ahead and designate Memes as Time's Person of the Year?

The past few weeks or so.

It's the last unofficial week of summer, and I intend to maximize it as much as possible.

Let's act like I'm surprised.

Summertime.

Optics.

A good life is good people.

"'I was going to school with a bunch of Marlboro-Menthol-smoking-North-Face-wearing-too-cool-for-school Asians, but had no idea who I was.'" 

Said by Awkwafina in the August 20, 2018 issue of The New Yorker. Written by Jiayang Fan.

Gosh, this is so damn true about growing up as an Asian kid in Queens back in the day.

"We always believed in messages through our music and we always believed in standing for something."

Said by T-Boz in the Netflix special: Once in a Lifetime Sessions with TLC.

"But if you can't look inside you,
Find out,

Who am I to?

Be in the position to make me feel,

So damn unpretty."

From the song Unpretty by TLC.

Change comes from being wrong. It comes from taking a chance, or being delusional. Change comes from running away. Change comes from getting wiser. Change comes from small things. But change does not come from playing it safe.

There’s nothing like the occasional typo to keep yourself mortified.

Who writes this shit?

"Now your scent on my pillow's faded.
At least you left me with something"

From the song Missing U by Robyn.

Been thinking about you today, Anne.

I'm lucky to have gone to the beach three times so far since I mentioned it in early July. I hop on the A train from my place uptown and it's just one long straight shot to Far Rockaway in Queens. Two of my beach days were by myself, and I love lying out there alone in a non-busy area. I have a beach umbrella I always bring with me, so vegging out there for hours is very easy. Although on my third time there, it was so windy that my umbrella wouldn't stay up. Since it takes me at least an hour and a half to get there, I always stay for a good amount of time. I see it as a full day commitment, and wasn't going to leave just because of the lack of shade. So after many years, it forced me to actually get some sun and a tan. I loved the wind and sun on my skin, I was totally content being there to feel far removed from the city.

Here are some pics from my trips so far that were taken on my phone. On the second outing, I had run out of beer and a guy selling nutcrackers walked by. It was some sort of citrus flavor with gin, which was well worth the $10. For my third trip, I decided not to drink. Then I ran into a Mr. Softee ice cream truck on the walk back to the subway station. What I especially loved about this truck was how well maintained it was, and how all of the prices were clearly labelled. It had been years since I had ordered a milkshake from an ice cream truck, so I got my childhood favorite, a banana milkshake. After a long day at the beach, it was the perfect thing to gulp down. I was finished with it before I got to the nearby train station.

I am sick as a dog right now.

You know that old adage about remembering the good old times when breathing through your nostrils was possible? I am totally reminiscing and missing those good ol' days. I am mouth breathing so hard right now.

Cough x 100.

It's been over five years since I last wore a pair of jeans, and I haven't looked back since.

Scarfed.
Scarred.
Scared.

I want to know what you do.