sometimes, it feels like such a rarity these days to be sincerely asked, "how is life? how is everything going?"

it's impossible to walk down any street of bangkok and not notice all the stray dogs roaming the city (previously blogged about HERE).

it's heartbreaking to see at times because these animals look like they're in need of some love and care, but thankfully most of them don't seem to be mistreated by locals and bangkok-dwellers. anyway, i decided to start taking pictures to chronicle some of the dogs i've encountered.

i feel so alone.

do you have 9 hours to kill and in need of a quality, cinematic experience?

then i definitely recommend watching the japanese movie, The Human Condition. this trilogy was released from 1959-61 and is based off a book by gomikawa junpei. the movie is directed by masaki kobayashi and stars actor tatsuya nakadai as kaji, a man with a conscience who must endure the ugliness and inhumanities of war.

so many lessons can be learned from this film, and experiencing The Human Condition is a truly humbling odyssey. i randomly discovered this movie after making a routine visit to my regular dvd-spot in silom, and after watching all nine hours of it in one sitting, all i have to say is that this film is FUCKING EPIC in every aspect. the acting, cinematography, dialogue, story and settings all come together in beautiful harmony and there wasn't one scene that i found to be unnecessary or gratuitous---every single moment was spectacular. the film was shot over a 3-year period, so it's also interesting to see tatsuya nakadai grow not only as his character, but as a man and an an actor as well. his performance is nothing short of amazing and his haunting transformation from wide-eyed naiveness to a solider on the brink of death is a really interesting journey to witness.

since i have no television or internet at home, watching this film was a great distraction.

it's official, i'm no longer going to dispute or argue with bangkok taxi drivers anymore.

my friend was telling me the other day that her uncle---a staunch man who from the many stories i've heard about him doesn't seem to take shit from anybody---recently got into a screaming match with the driver of a taxi he was riding. i'm not sure what they were fighting over, but at a certain point, the taxi driver brandished a knife and my friend's uncle immediately apologized and exited the cab.

wow. seriously.

dear bangkok,

i know people dress a bit more casual here, but is wearing white crocs to a club really acceptable?

sincerely,
thwany

disappointment comes in many forms, but self-pity is tritely always the same...

after hearing some devastatingly disappointing news a few hours ago, i immediately felt this odd numbing sensation take over my chest and face. it's weird because i've never felt anything like it before, and that was on top of the dazed incapacitation that had already begun swirling through my head. all of this actually forced me to lay down on my bed, and i shielded myself from the world with a blanket of self-pity. i couldn't stop thinking. all the familiar questions of "what the fuck am i doing with my life?" or "what the fuck am i supposed to be doing with my life?" or "what the fuck is the purpose of my life?" repeated over and over, and i just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear.

but after about a half hour, i realized that i need to put all my self-doubt in check because i knew i could go down an ugly and destructive path if didn't. i will not allow anyone to stand in my dream because it's up to only me to make it happen---getting a big red "NO" stamp on my forehead is a part of life and now i've got to wipe it off and move on. i've allowed myself 30 minutes of self-pity and now i have to figure out my next steps again because what other option is there?

thanks life for always keeping me on my toes.

staring out of windows is the best form of inspiration.

i can't stop thinking about getting a dog.

gaga.

deleting _______ makes me feel real good.

i had a bad date (or whatever the fuck it was) today and am beyond annoyed at the moment. all i have to say is, i'm really just fucking over dating. fuck that shit. it's such a waste of time and i'm just sick of dealing with these guys that make me feel like there's something wrong with me. the thing is, i really don't think it's me. i'm not delusional to think i'm perfect, and i'm more than happy to admit when i'm acting like an idiot but trust me, IT ISN'T ME. i really realized earlier tonight that there's nothing a guy or significant other can ever bring to my life because i have everything i need right now---family, friends, music, food, writing and booze---doesn't anything else matter? i mean, i have hands and i have the internet. from what i've experienced, being in a relationship is pretty much useless. if it's supposed to happen, it will happen but until it falls into my lap this time, i'm choosing not to give it any more energy. i feel like an idiot for even giving it all the attention i did.

it's hard to meet serious people who sincerely listen anymore.

i really don't understand how some people who live in a city of 9 million can't understand the concept of personal space.

one of my best friends from nyc, junho, also came to visit me in bangkok.

unfortunately, both he and my sister have already left, and it feels weird to not have them around. but it was great while it lasted and we all had an awesome time together.

i feel such a disconnect with the world.

my notions about life have been slowly changing the past few months, and i don't know how or why it happened. at every waking moment, i feel so distracted from the constant stream of questions and thoughts that enter my brain, and i'm at a loss on how to control it. i can no longer restrain them and it's starting to really bother me. i feel mentally paralyzed because all the intrusive thinking going on in my head isn't allowing me to focus, or even relax. and it's not the kind of thinking where you're walking down the street and wondering what to eat for dinner later in the night or that you have to pick up something from the pharmacy, but so much more complicated. i'm trying to think of how i can explain it, but i just can't put it into words. i don't know even know what i'm thinking sometimes because my mental impression will quickly move onto something else just as fast as it entered my brain. i think it's really growing to be a problem because sometimes i find it really difficult to even have a normal conversation. i mean i can sit there and earnestly listen, but i'm so distracted by what's going in in my head that it becomes challenging to focus on anything. i can't lose myself in anything anymore either and on those rare and brief moments that i do, the thought "holy shit, wow---i actually just lost myself for a moment and didn't think about anything else" manifests from nowhere, and then i realize that that thought in itself has popped into my head and abruptly aborted my temporary point of being lost in the moment. it's like reading the same two sentences of a paragraph over and over because you're thoughts are elsewhere. i think too much and it's just making me more and more into an extremely serious person. while i've always had somewhat of a serious personality, it just feels so heightened now and because of it, i feel more isolated from the world. i know this isn't normal, and i wondered maybe if i'm on the onset of acquiring some sort of mental illness, but then i don't even think it's that. it's just me. i don't know why, but it's just me. unlike myself, when i'm conversing with people, i can always see that they're relaxed and not thinking about anything but what's going on at that moment. i wonder why my brain doesn't seem to be capable of doing that anymore? i know i haven't always been like this. i just feel like i can't connect with anyone anymore, and it's scary. don't get me wrong, i can still function and socialize without coming off as a complete sociopath, but the persistent thinking is still always going on. all of it just feels so sudden and i'm still learning how i could possibly use it to my advantage if i can. sometimes i want to crawl into a hole and be alone, but then i go crazy with all my thoughts and solitude and want to be around people. but when i'm around people, my thoughts are just as disruptive and i want to be alone so i won't feel so odd.

i always try to think positively, and it's helped me tremendously in growing and maturing emotionally, but this new subconscious dilemma seems like it's veering me down this unaccustomed and unfamiliar path... i'm trying to accept that this is the person i've always just been destined to become because i think it'll make things easier, but i still don't understand how it happened.

some things in life are so overrated.

i learned something today...

it was a good day.

happy 4th of july.

this is my second independence day in a row where i'm residing outside the U.S., and i must say that i miss celebrating the holiday on american soil.

i hope everyone back in the states has an enjoyable day filled with bbq, booze, lots of laughs, fireworks and the fresh smell of grass while surrounded by friends and loved ones. let's always be grateful and cherish the freedom and other gifts we have in life.

i am proud to be an american and a nyer---u-s-a!

shapes.

i've mentioned motosais (motorcycle taxis) before, but i also wanted to share a recent discovery.

if you're ever in bangkok and have the opportunity to ride a motosai, (with the not-so-common ability to choose your driver), i would say go for the smallest person you see. the view while riding on the backseat of a motosai usually means having to lean your body to the left or to the right, but if the driver is shorter than you, you can see everything you need perfectly. i don't know, haha maybe it's not that exciting, but i guess it was noticeable and felt special when it happened to me for the first time a few weeks ago. and for all the tall people of the world, i will shut up now.

anxiety...

dear bangkok,

you will always hold a special place in my heart.

-thwany