thank you ifc for playing kill bill at 3 in the morning. sometimes after a long day at work, i just want to smoke and decompress while my ass is parked in front of the tv.

music walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk smoke walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk think walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk think walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk think walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk smoke walk walk walk walk walk walk walk think walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk.

sometimes i wake up feeling like shit and the only thing going through my head is, "this is not living... this can't be my life right now."

he puts his arm around my shoulder when we walk down the street and then his hand moves up slightly to the back of my head, gently placed there to inconspicuously and softly caress it---moments like this make my heart smile.

sometimes at work when i'm talking to customers who are a lot older than me, i like to imagine how they looked like when they were around my age and wonder how different their lives were back then.

i'm obsessed with thinking about how times and culture have changed so much with technology. i miss the simpler days when you waited by the phone if you wanted to talk to someone and there was actually some sincerity in the interactions you had with people. i feel like my generation is the last to have grown up like this and that's such a depressing thought.

.

is there such a thing as too much karaoke? i don't think so. after getting off our shifts at the east village restaurant, me and a coworker headed up to koreatown to cure our humpday blues. there's nothing better than great conversation, soju, and karaoke/bar-hopping to help us get through the week.

   

i'm confused.

if i'm walking down the street and some dude coming towards me grabs and shakes his crotch while he's locked eye contact with me for a few seconds, does that mean he's hitting on me or wants me to fuck off?

it is so fucking beautiful outside.

my brain fled nyc without me.

one thing i've learned with time is that my self-worth and self-value grows with age, and while there are things i would have put up with when i was twenty two, i refuse to let the same thing happen again. if i can't learn from my past experiences, what's the point of going through anything? ...i know when i deserve better.

don't get me wrong, dating is still lots of fun though.

is there anything more downright pitiful than four people eating dinner together at a restaurant, but each one of them is glued to their electronic devices the entire time?

when i am the server for tables like these at work, it makes me dispirited.

there's only one thing in the world that can make me feel this happy.

i missed this feeling.

sometimes i just feel like screaming "FUCK EVERYTHING."

i feel so burned out.

there's always a story...

last night i dreamt that i was talking to someone who unexpectedly had a jughead comic book on top of a pile of their reading materials. i remember thinking "woah i loved jughead comics as a kid, he was my favorite archie comic book character---i can't believe you like them too!"

now if i can only remember who this guy in my dream was...

have you ever just stared at a completely empty and quiet street in the middle of the night for a really long time? the colors on the stoplight continually change between red, green and yellow but everything else is just there, pointless without the touch of human use---just like my heart.

it's so hard to prioritize the things that matter in life.

work?
family?
money?
love?
vanity?
friends?

what happens if none of it really/sort of/kind of doesn't seem to matter? that's probably because i forgot to add "me" to the list.

...i really need to sleep but i've been in bed for the past hour just tossing and turning.

"when will it happen?"

...when i fucking make it happen.

i really can't sleep and my internet is being crazy so i decided to clean up some files on my computer and found the following poem i wrote in college for a class.

it's dated november 11, 2005 and while i don't remember why i wrote this, it reminds me of being depressed and alone in my room back at my house in flushing, such bittersweet memories.

i have not left my room in days
and the stench of stench lingers like a dark cloud.
the sun has become my foe,
bringing only darkness with it.
shadows are always around me.
i walk around with my arms flailing
in front of my
awkward
listless body,
confused because it’s been like this so long.
and my eyes have yet to adjust,
nor has my mind and soul.

i stare at the ceiling for hours,
wasting away under the impressions of normality,
not understanding what has and will become of me.

confusion rules in the land of the dead.
with no direction in life or
even to go buy some apple juice,
the thought of getting out my fetal position is unnecessary.

i will stay like this forever.
eternally meandering through the dark caverns of my thoughts,
and curling up under my sheets,
wondering how good it used to feel in my mom’s stomach
when i was no bigger than my nose hairs.
i will stay like this forever.

when my last day comes,
etched on my forehead will be my last middle finger to the world

dear friends,

please do not go to restaurants and chew on the pen-caps of your server when they give you back your credit card and reciept to sign. i don't know what's worst, you chewing the pen-cap or me having to actually discover that you did---fucking nasty.

thank you.

be yourself---don't play games.

live by that creed and when you find the person who believes in it just as must as you do, you might have found yourself something special.

i love asking people this question: would you rather have the ability to fly or live underwater?

thank you fuse and palladia. there's nothing better than watching music videos on tv late at night. this is how i spent countless nights during my childhood in the nineties and i find there's something special about that feeling you get when you don't know what new video is coming on next. i think it sucks that kids won't ever be able to experience music that way again, it was really a lot of fun----it's not the same as just going online or downloading the music video to watch. i guess i was lucky.

there's a bodega on the corner down my block and no matter how the weather is or what time of day or evening it is, there's usually always one or two dudes just hanging out in front of it. i don't go down that way that often so i never recognize or remember any of the guys' faces but i definitely notice other little things. it could be snowing or raining like fucking crazy outside but they're consistently there. sometimes they just stand there and the two guys don't even talk to each other but just seem to be waiting for something. in my mind it's pretty obvious that they're drug dealers and i've always wondered what they sold.

so tonight as my roommate and i were home and with the weather being really nice allowing us to open up all our windows, it's easy to hear all these voices coming from the direction of the bodega. the bodega is on the same side of the street as my apartment building and we live on the 7th floor halfway down the block so our view of it is made up mostly of people's heads and bodies. the details of the faces are hard to make but these kids look young. throughout the night i would get up and look out the window to see what all the noise was about, but it just seemed to be kids hanging out on the street. then one time when i looked to see what was happening, i hear this kid yelling "come on, let's go-let's go" as he walked down the block together with this dude who looked like a columbia student or something and then sold him drugs. throughout the night i saw all these other young people who seemed to approach the group of kids reluctantly looking pretty suspect, they all looked so guilty of something. the customers would be lead down the street towards the direction of my building to do the obvious transactions.

i was really interested to see what type of people the customers were. they looked like young kids who were going to go out and party or some shit who probably just wanted to get a little messed up. hey, if they have the guts to buy drugs from these dealers on a nyc corner at night, then i say let them have fun. one transaction that caught my attention was this girl and guy who were friends and they approached the dealers together. the first thing i noticed about them was that the girl seemed pretty stylish and attractive and looked liked she was going somewhere fun right after that. she's actually the one who did all the talking, too---her guy friend just seemed to be there to support her. i would never in my life be able to do buy drugs from a stranger on a corner because i'd probably think the dealers were narcs or that they're being watched by the cops and my transaction was the one that the cops were going to bust-in on or lots of other neurotic stuff like that. i'm really curious to know what the hell they're selling though, it's hard to tell by their client base. i'm thinking it's bolivian marching powder but that's just an ignorant guess.

so about an hour ago i peek out and see what the noise is about and there seems to be a few male customers who are just standing with the dudes. then another guy is walking across the street from them and walks past the point the dealers are at, but then turned around slowly and made a b-line for the kids with the stuff. wow, two transactions at once, i guess this must be the spot or some shit. so all the customers and dealers are there on the street and then a cop car slowly pulls up. then another one slowly does and that one's followed by a third, yeah oh shittt is all i could think. at this point everyone standing in that cluster of people on the street looks to be frozen and just waiting for the cops to make their first move. as the cops slowly got out of their cars and approached some of the guys, i noticed that four guys from the group started to very slowly distance themselves from everyone else and walked east towards central park. haha the funny thing was it was four dudes who were obviously the customers and they cautiously just started to walk away at a snail's pace, i bet they were all shitting bricks. the cops seemed to only want to talk to the dealer guys and just let the other four guys get away without giving them any shit at all. i'm hoping they learned a good lesson and will never risk buying stuff off the street like that again. as for the dealers, i can't figure out why but the cops just sort of left five minutes later and drove away in their cars without making any arrests or taking anyone away. odd.

now all i can wonder is where is that young ballsy girl who purchased drugs from the corner earlier in the evening with her male friend, and what is she doing at this very moment? i'm guessing she's probably fucked up at some club with help from the stuff she bought and is dancing with loud music surrounded by lots of lights and fog. thinking about what happened to her drug dealers or the street where she was just standing at hours earlier is on her mental list of things to ponder about right after thinking about how the plastic ends on shoelaces are made.

nothing is ever as exciting as it seems in your head.

i just want to spoon all night.

i need to let go of everything. insecurities, bad habits and fear all have to go away. i don't want to live this way for the rest of my life and i need to let it all go now. i need to learn how to be happy, to love myself and allow myself to search for endearing, sincere and true happiness. my walls need to come down. i need to prioritize my life with better choices. i need to live up to my potential.

playing it cool is so hard.

i'm going to chicago for a much needed and appreciated break from nyc and am fucking elated. i'm leaving tonight and am coming back sunday night. it also happens to be st. patrick's day weekend as well and i'm still not sure if this is a really awesome or really bad thing---my friends have lined up some st. patty's day festivities to partake in so i guess i'll just have to see.

i don't know what to say.

you know that scene in reality bites where lelaina (winona ryder) is looking for a job and this woman at a newspaper asks her to define irony right as she gets on the elevator? and it's descending with the outside buildings and sky visible in the background and she is so frustrated about everything in her life at that moment because you can see it all on her face? i love that part of the movie---i so feel her in that scene.

here are some more pictures from anna sui's fashion show last month at bryant park.

i usually go every season to support my best friend judy and after each show, the whole anna sui design team goes to dinner and judy is allowed to invite one person as her guest. while i've previously attended the dinner as her guest before, lucky me got to again for the f/w 2010 show. dinner was at the breslin and the weather was shitty and we couldn't find a cab so we somehow ended up catching the bus from the back of bryant park in front of the beautiful new york public library and we rode it down fifth avenue. haha sometimes life is funny like that.

people who go out and abuse service industry workers are so pathetic. obviously i'm at fucking work so you think you can say stupid shit to me and make yourself feel smarter and better, but come on, we all know that that is not really what's happening here. it's really just sad.

here's a quick east-village-bar-work story:

a girl and guy are allowed into the bar for a drink. they look like they could possibly be under 21 so i ask for id.

me: i need to see some ids, please.

guy: here you go.

me: ok thanks. what about you?

girl: mmm hold on i know i have it in my bag here somewhere.

me: sure.

girl: omg i don't have it. but i swear i'm 22, what can i show you to prove it?

me: something that tells me your age.

girl: here let me show you my facebook page, i swear it has my real birthdate on it!

seriously, WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE???

happy monday.

it's a new day.

it's a new week.

its a new month.

everything is going to be okay.

it will NEVER happen.

sometimes i can think and obsess about an idea for hours with the end result being a case of procrastination.

there are so many things in life that just do not matter. but then what does matter?

i love watching the sky when it snows... everything gets quiet and peaceful. there's another crazy snowstorm right now in nyc and i'd like to share a favorite korean poem of mine called snowy evening by kim so wol.

눈 오는 저녁 by 김소월

바람 자는 이 저녁에
흰눈은 퍼붓는데
무엇하고 계시노
같은 저녁 금년은.......

꿈이라도 꾸면은!
잠들면 만날런가.
잊었던 그사람은
흰 눈 타고 오시네.

저녁때,흰 눈은 퍼부어라.

staying in is nice, especially when the weather is absolute shit outside.

on my days off from work, i tend to stay in and choose to interact with absolutely no one except for my roommates and friends. i get enough interaction with strangers everyday at work and it's just nice not to deal with people in general. plus, i'm starting to get sick with a bad cold. i got a flu shot earlier in the season but i guess my no-sickness streak is over, it was nice while it lasted.

so in my head i've nicknamed a table at work "the author's table." junot diaz (who's pulitzer winning book i've written about before) came in yesterday for lunch and he sat at the same table that i've also seen salman rushdie and jay mcinerney eat at. it's really just a small simple table with three seats but somehow they all just all gravitated there.

"i am loved by someone."

why is that thought so hard to realize and accept sometimes?? it applies to every person on this planet, yet it doesn't process through our brains---is that because we don't love ourselves? am i really alone, or do i just always have this constant lingering of the feeling that never goes away?

sometimes life is so overwhelmingly frustrating and all you can think is, "what the fuck else could i do to make this shit better??"

i really wish i could fall asleep right now.

working in the service industry sometimes makes me feel like a stripper because damn, i always have mad singles.

it's 3am and i just got home from work. this schedule makes me feel nuts sometimes.

it's funny how i always end up at the laundromat every year on my birthday.

here's to 27, another year---another laundromat.

sometimes i need time alone and i just like walking around the city while listening to music.

feeling suffocated on the subway today, i got off my commute home at 59th street columbus circle and decided to walk back to my apartment. i live on the northern tip of the park on the west side so i was able to go through all of central park and i must say that it truly is amazing. just like nyc, even central park has different neighborhoods and themes that are just hundreds of feet away from each other. it's awesome because you'll walk by something so great like the sheep meadow and then you're by an area that resembles the feeling of a camping ground and then minutes later you'll be at belvedere castle. then at one point i hit a park called safari playground at 91st street near central park west and see all these amazing hippopotamus statues that looked like they were playing in water. i have never in my life seen or heard of this park so i really wanted to go inside and taker a closer look and some pictures of all the statues. i was also sure to check if there were any kids or parents around because i believe it's against the law for an adult to enter a children's playground in nyc with a kid (i could be wrong though) and after i saw that the coast was clear and the park was technically open, i entered the gate.

then i started to approach all the statues and noticed that there was someone under the playground fixture of the park. after looking closer, it was a grown man with his pants around his knees and ass completely out---it looked like he was picking up or touching some random debris under the jungle gym thing. i wasn't sure if he was taking a shit and looking for something to wipe his ass with or if he was just mentally off and doing some crazy shit down there. all i knew was that was my cue to get the hell out of there. shit like that makes me really

i went to church this past weekend and attended sunday service for the first time since 2001.

the last time i stepped foot into a church for sunday service was in flushing, queens right before my high school graduation. i even remember my awesome youth pastor giving me an uplifting christian graduation book with a sweet handwritten note in it. i believe that was the last time i saw her and anyone else from that church.

during high school a friend of mine invited me to start attending his korean church and i enjoyed it immensely. i was sort of shy back then and didn't have many friends in school until senior year so it gave me a sense of belonging and it was nice to have social gatherings to attend on weekends. unlike the other mega korean churches in flushing, this church was really small and intimate and there were probably 20 kids max in our youth group. it would always be interesting to attend these large korean american christian church gatherings in queens (all you korean americans who grew up in queens know the deal) and see all the other large youth groups everywhere, we always looked like such underdogs compared to them. most of the kids in my youth group had been going to this church their whole lives so they all knew each other pretty well---no one in my family went to church so i was the random kid who showed up alone every weekend. i was one of the oldest though and they were all nice so i had no problem getting along with everyone. our tirelessly caring youth pastor would always take us out to outings and worked so hard to allow us to grow in the church and bond with each other, i really do have some great memories from that time.

however, the only thing missing from that time period is my christian connection. for the 3 consistent years i attended church and christian events, i honestly never once felt spiritually connected to god. i really wanted to (and still do) but it just hasn't happened. back then whenever we prayed, i would always just close my eyes and think about stuff while everyone around me was lost in their dialogues. don't get me wrong, i did try to actually pray all the time but i would only think things like "okay you're god and you know i am sincerely trying to pray but it must be crystal clear to you that i'm not actually praying because you know all so i am not even going to try and pretend to pray but instead i'll just sit here and think about stuff." a lot of times i would always open my eyes and just watch other people pray. it bothered me that everyone else seemed to just naturally get it but for me the simple act of closing my eyes and putting my hands together was the farthest i was able to go. it was just enough to let me get by and be perceived as a good christian so no one suspected anything, but secretly inside my heart just didn't get into it. even on our seasonal retreats far away from the city where during the prayer service the whole youth group would be crying their eyes out and praising and getting blessed, i would just be sitting there wondering how much longer until all this was done and we could go hang out or sleep.

this past sunday i went to church because i have been wanting to go for years but haven't out of pure laziness. i stopped going after i graduated high school because that's when i started my hardcore partying stage and i was usually too cracked out on sundays to even leave my room. the service i attended this past weekend was in the west thirties near the hudson river and i approached it with a completely open heart and mind. i've grown a lot as a person since the last time i was in church at the age of eighteen and really hoped that this would be the start of a new beginning in my spiritual life, but it didn't happen like that. it felt the same as it did in 2001 and i really don't know why and guess it's a bit disappointing. however, i still (and always have) truly believed in god and am a spiritual person and this in no way completely turns me off from christianity.

i have hope that one day i'll experience spiritual growth with some sort of religion but i guess i'll just have to march on until then.

cleaning is so much better late at night when everyone is in bed and no one's around. i can't ever seem to clean around people, it feels uncomfortable.

to my fellow comrades who work in the service industry, have you ever had a shift where all night people just made you want to bang your head against the wall?? holy shit---some people are so ridiculous that you just have to laugh it off sometimes. i'm always friendly and accommodating to patrons and can put up with people's bullshit because it's my job and i'm professional but once they cross that line, i refuse to give them the satisfaction of a reaction---they are in NO WAY important enough to make me angry or upset and i will not let them get the best of me. it's great though because you learn so much about people and yourself when you work in the service industry and that is something i am truly grateful for.

sometimes i feel so alone.

i can honestly say that i've been an insomniac since the seventh grade.

falling asleep at 11pm like most kids my age just didn't feel natural to my body. i would always fall asleep anytime from 2-4 and sleep no more than 6 hours. you would think that i'd be exhausted the next night and fall asleep immediately in bed but no, the same shit would happen that night.

i think a part of my insomnia came from anxiety and worrying about stuff. i'm really jealous of people who can fall asleep anywhere anytime. remember what it feels like to be at a sleepover of some sort and everyone is trying to go to bed in the dark but you're all talking, and there's one person who just continues to talk and not get sleepy at all? that was always me.

anyway, i think i need some chill-pills.

it's snowing in the east village---so beautiful.

one of the most amazing things about blogging is the opportunity to meet some really great people through it. i believe will and i started commenting on each other's blogs many years ago and have been friends since. he travels a lot so it's always nice to be able to see him when he comes to nyc.

last night i had dinner with him and some friends at fish on bleecker in the west village. the food was so good and i ended up having the lobster with some good old melted butter, fucking yummmm. then we ended up at pieces and i got wasted on $4 drinks. life is great.

sometimes i think about it and realize that i am very happy with the chance encounters i am able to have with people in this city while working in the service industry.

too bad.

sometimes i feel like i just don't fit in.

i met Jay McInerney!

yes, the Jay McInerney. i was working at my restaurant job last night in the east village and he came in to eat. i recognized him immediately and freaked out for a little bit inside my head. celebrities and other noted people always come into my work place and i usually don't give two shits and would never ever approach them or say anything because this is nyc and really, who cares? but for him it was different---i had to say something. so as i was taking him to his table, i actually introduced myself and told him what an honor it was for me to even be in the same room as him. i think he was really surprised that i had recognized him, but he was so nice and gracious about it. then as he was leaving, he actually came up to me and shook my hand and said thank you for everything.

ahhhhh, i almost died from excitement. to have met the man who wrote Bright Lights, Big City is really inspiring and such an honor---i absolutely love that book.

thank you Jay McInerney for making my night!

sincerity seems to be a concept that people confuse with technological availability.

call me old fashioned but i still believe in picking up a phone and dialing a number to hear someone's voice on the other end to ask, "how the hell are you---how's life??"

i love the movie rosemary's baby and i just finished watching it on hbo. it always brings me back and makes me think of the first time i watched it as a kid in alaska. i remember they were playing it late at night on cable and even though there were commercial breaks and was a network friendly version, it was still scary as hell. watching it now is even better because i love appreciating new york city as the backdrop to the movie. i'm obsessed with seeing how different nyc looked in eras other than mine, it just fascinates me. and the movie is just such a great one. roman polansky really created a classic with this one and mia farrow is such a great actress and oh man she was stunning. one of my favorite scenes is when she has all her real friends that she hasn't seen in a while over to her house for a party. i watch that scene and wonder, if i lived during this period, is this what my house parties would have looked like?

i don't know what the reason is but i haven't felt like blogging in a while. i guess we all just go through periods like that.

anyway after working the lunch shift at my job today in the east village, i decided to go to the angelika and watch a movie by myself. i walked over there and on the way in front of the block with that awesome new copper union building on the bowery, i saw my weed dealers walking down the sidewalk, coming towards the direction i was coming from. neither parties stopped but instead we all quickly waved and sincerely smiled at each other. i think because it's the first time i've ever randomly run into them on the street, we were all a bit surprised for a second but thought it was funny. then after the movie, i'm waiting for the b train at the broadway-lafayette stop to come home uptown and i'm walking towards the back of the platform and sitting on one of the benches is the guy i hooked up with last night (trust me, it had been a very very long time since i got any anything). he was reading and thank god he didn't see me and i was able to just speed walk my ass on by. haha i love new york, it's funny like that.

a steaming hot shower and shave can make any day better.

one of the great things that come with age is getting wiser. yes, it actually does happen (at least i think it's happening to me).

with time i've come to realize so many things about my life, especially a lot of the core issues i have. understanding the problem is the easy half of the battle because you don't ask to know this, it just all kind of make sense after a while. the hard part is deciding to act upon these epiphanies and taking the first step is so fucking god damn hard. sometimes i wish i was dumb as the plastic ends on shoelaces so i could live my life without a care in the world. but i am not. now i need to focus on what i can control and how i can better my life.

...must...stop...doing mental eye-rolls.

dear friends,

please don't go into a restaurant and order a "peach snapple" before looking at the damn beverage menu. not everywhere has fucking diet coke or peach snapple or hot tea or any other beverage that's served in soda machines across the country. it's really not hard to think before you just act out of habit, shit.

thank you.

new york city is the only place i can be and feel like myself. this is home.

life is funny.

quality, NOT quantity.