a conversation between two wildflowers on a sunny day: part 1.

"what do you mean, 'you just like it?'"
"i just do."
"but how? how can you find pleasure from something like that? it's gross and incorrigible. have you ever thought about how it affects all of us around you?"
"shut up."
"'shut up?' this is how you talk to me because i'm trying to help? this is what you say to your best pal?"
"roger, i need some air. can we go for a walk?"
"'a walk?!' we're wildflowers for god's sake. we can't walk anywhere."
"fine, then let's go for a sway. the sun is killing me today and there's no breeze. i need to stay mobile."
"then we'll sway-and-talk. alright, so then what do you have to say for yourself?"
"okay, it was a mistake. i'll never do it again, i'm sorry."
"hold on, hold on. you were swaying too fast and i couldn't hear you. what did you say?"
"i asked about stella, has she been around recently? what's the latest you've heard on her?"
"well, you know jerry, right, the dude who was only lets the hummingbirds eat his pollen? well he heard from petey, the rock, that stella's been quite the talk of her prairie. sorry, i'm going to whisper this because i've been sworn to secrecy, but i heard she's got some weird uv allergy. in fact, she's had it for a while and refuses to be seen because her antennas are starting to look all weird. have you ever seen a ladybug with aberrant antennas? it's quite disturbing if you ask me. okay, can we stop swaying now? i'm getting tired and i think a breeze is starting up."
"stella would be hot even without antennas."
"carl, there you go again. now, back to what we were discussing before, how can you 'just like' being under fluorescent lighting? don't know you about jerry's grandma? it was only about an acre away from us where she died when these idiot campers settled right next to her. it happened really fast and she was a goner in no time."
"have you ever felt the rush of being under fluorescent lighting? you can feel it right down to the pedicel. it's awesome---it makes me feel alive."
"man, you have issues."

i'm in a deleting sort of mood---i need to get rid of some baggage.

it's past 5:30am here in bangkok and i can't fall asleep. i wonder if my insomnia will ever be cured, or perhaps it's something i'm eternally stuck with and should just plan my life accordingly? but, actually---i enjoy the daytime and sunlight too much to just give them up. maybe it's because i haven't had any sort of set daily routine or schedule in my life for more than a week since i was laid off from my last office job two years ago? but that doesn't make sense because i had this issue way long before that. i would definitely say it's linked to my anxiety. or i don't know, i guess i could ponder until the sun comes up (literally), but the only thing that's for certain is the fact that i'm unable to fall asleep right now. as for an update on how things are currently going in my life, all is well. things could always be better, but they could also be worse so i prefer not to compare or think about how different circumstances would be in some fictitious, parallel world. i control what i can with positive thoughts and sensible decisions and the rest is out of my hands. i recently started to thoroughly think about the adage, "everything loses its novelty." this is something that usually pops into my head often because on many occasions, i find myself getting bored with something really fast. this relates to almost every facet of my life and there isn't an aspect that's unaffected by it. then recently, i started to metaphorically think about the adage in terms of reading a book. sometimes i'll read a book and experience it in whatever way i did. i often like to re-read books that i've liked, and when doing so, of course my latter experience is never the same as the original. i realized that things don't have to lose their novelty, because you never know what's waiting on the next page so if i feel inclined to, i can just turn the pages faster. or i can change my attitude and keep in mind that how i'm feeling or what i'm going through really has an impact on what insight i gain from reading a single page, and be aware that in the moment, things might seem like the novelty's gone, but in reality i'm just feeling like shit and looking at the situation negatively.

i don't know. i think my brain is just running on fumes at the moment and i don't know how to eloquently express what i'm trying to say. i'll just end this entry with a photo i took of a spread in last month's gq korea. however, i have no idea what "a hardboiled boy" means. okay, let's see: 1-eggs. 2-they're hardboiled in water. 3-a boy. 4-yeah, i'm definitely lost and have no idea what it means. 5-oh okay, maybe it's like a boy is hardboiled and while the shell remains the same, his spirit hardens and tastes delicious with a little bit of salt & pepper. 6-or from my experience, the shells of hardboiled eggs always crack a little in the process. 7-nevermind, i still have no idea.

i just discovered that it's possible to feel an instant bond and fondness with someone after hearing them utter a single line of discourse.

yes.

"Why, I feel rich and strong, though we have nothing but our bare hands. I feel as if I could scarcely ask God for any more."

uncle tom's cabin by harriet beecher stowe. page 213.

he's about as straight as a wet noodle.

with songkran, thailand's traditional new year's day, just a few weeks away, the country is almost at the peak of summer.

however, the weather for the past week or so has been really off and gloomy with constant cloudiness. the temperature has also been averaging to about sixty degrees fahrenheit (which is pretty cold for bangkok) and many thai natives have been remarking on how abnormal the weather is. the good news is that the weather today is finally hot and sunny again. you know, i used to hate hot weather because of my anomalous sweating problems but after being in thailand for a substantial amount of time, i've come to appreciate its tropical climate. it sort of feels good to get a nice sweat going on a daily basis with just a short walk outside.

one downside to all this sweating however is that a couple of my t-shirts are starting to stink. i've had moments where i'm out somewhere and i'll get a slight whiff of something funky, and then i'll realize it's me. i used to sweat the same amount back in nyc but i think the difference is the fact that i'm not able to throw my clothes in a dryer after washing them. i had the same odor problem last summer in korea as well, and it started soon after i had just left nyc. i'm convinced that drying your clothes in a machine after washing them helps keeps odors at a distance, but unfortunately asia is not a dryer-friendly place and they're not common to come by.

speaking of clothes, i'm getting pretty bored of everything i own. i've been wearing mostly the same stuff for almost a year now and am in desperate need of some new items. if only there was a j.crew outlet in bangkok that sold everything in a size medium, that would be heaven.

alright, off to enjoy the day.

yup, don't care.

i'm in need of some good conversation.

i went to laos this past week for a few days in order to do a visa run.

laos' capital, vientiane, is about a ten hour bus ride from bangkok, and a round-trip ticket costs about $50. i arrived at the nongkai bus station near the thailand/laos border on wednesday morning at about 6am, and had crossed into laos and submitted my passport and visa documents at the thai embassy by 11am. i had to wait until 1pm the next day to pick up my passport, so i had plenty of time to do some sightseeing.

i spent most of the duration just wandering vientiane by foot and exploring as much as i could, and i just got a new camera so i took pictures galore as i meandered aimlessly. after i picked up my passport and new visa on thursday, i had almost until the evening to return to thailand to catch my bus from nongkai back to bangkok, so i decided to walk back to the thai/laos border. now, the point of the thai/laos border i was heading to is called "the friendship bridge," and it's about a good two hours walk to get there from vientiane. i was familiar with which direction the friendship bridge was located, but wasn't certain so i stopped a few locals along the way and asked about the route. each person told me it was too far to walk to, but i just smiled and said i'd be okay.

about an hour into my walk, i came across a stretch of embassies on this one particular road. when i spotted the japanese embassy, my heart immediately sank because i saw that the flag was at half-mast. my eyes started to water and as cars passed me by, i took a moment of silence for all the victims and those affected by the earthquake and tsunami. on a side note, it's interesting how the older i get, the more emotional and moved i become for particular things---i think i've finally somewhat become a man. so after my moment of silence, i decided to take a picture of the japanese embassy. at the very moment i had my camera aimed and ready to go, a motorcycle came and stopped right in front of me. now, this was pretty odd since i was the only person standing anywhere near the side of this busy road. i'm not sure which direction he came from, at what point he first saw me or how long he had been following me, but with my arms still holding my camera, i watched the young laotian guy hop off of his motorcycle and remove his helmet.

"where are you going?" he asked in english.
taken aback, i casually answered, "the thai/laos border," as i still gripped my camera.
"you're walking there? but it's too far."

at that point i was still concentrating on taking my picture, so i asked the guy to hold on a quick moment. after i put my camera down, i told him i had a lot of time and enjoy walking, and therefore i'd be alright until i reached the border. he persisted that it was too far to walk and then offered to take me there on his motorcycle, which then really threw me off. even though he seemed pretty sincere, i still wasn't too sure about this guy and his motives. since i look like such an obvious tourist, i was constantly bombarded with offers from tuk-tuk drivers since arriving in laos, and so i questioningly responded to the guy, "uh... sure okay. but, um, how much money do you want?" "it's free, i'll take you for free," he said.

since he said it was free and seemed pretty eager, i thought why not and hopped onto the backseat. the funny thing is that as he was driving, he kept turning his head to talk to me. i couldn't hear most of what he was saying with the loud wind and wanted to return his favor, so i told him that if it was okay with him, i'd like to stop somewhere and buy him a cool drink in order for us to converse. he said okay and we stopped at this old-school laotian store on the side of the thruway.

i bought us two soft drinks and we just shot the shit for about an hour as we watched cars and trucks pass by us on the dusty road. the guy's name was doh, and he was a 22 year old university student that's just two weeks shy from graduating. his english was also really good so we had no trouble understanding one another. at one point, the topic of religion came up and doh stated that he was a christian. this was surprising because the majority of laotians are buddhists. doh told me it was by chance that he was introduced to christianity nine months prior, and he seemed really content and happy about changing his faith. we talked about a wide range of topics before hopping back on his motorcycle and i felt extremely humbled and grateful for the experience. when we arrived at the friendship bridge, i thank him profusely and gave him a very small token of my appreciation with some american dollars. i would have loved to give him more, but unfortunately i have no money and couldn't afford to.

meeting doh was the best way to end my trip to laos, i couldn't have asked for anything better. i was planning to post a large amount of pictures up here from my laos excursion, but in the end, the following are the only ones that really matter.

thank you, doh.

i feel so pent up. i need a good cry.

i'm curently in vientiane, the capital of laos.

man, it sure is beautiful here.

i LOVE riding motosais in bangkok. motosais are motorcycle taxis that are fairly cheap, fast and really convenient. you can find them everywhere in the city and i especially enjoy taking them if i'm feeling down because they always put me in a great mood.

anyway, here's a video i shot yesterday. the video is of how i get from my soi (street) to one of the large nearby shopping districts of bangkok. unfortunately my video editing skills are non existent, so i'm unable to make it any more exciting.

i've tried filming my motosai experiences on other occasions as well, but it's difficult since i haven't mastered the craft of riding without gripping on for dear life with both hands. however, most of the native thai people i've seen on motosais are pros at it. among many things, i've seen thai people eating, texting, doing homework, reading and playing games on their electronic devices while on the backseat---i aspire to do one (if not all) of those things on the back of a motosai one day.

we choose how people define us.

i love the way thailand uses fluorescent lights---it totally reminds of dan flavin. stumbling onto what i sometimes consider as these little dan flavin art installations is awesome.

this is the top floor of a building down the soi, which in thai means something similar to a small side street. this is the first time i've ever seen people on that balcony. i love the silouettes.

i recently just moved to a small studio near chit lom in bangkok and this is the view from my balcony. i'm not sure if you can tell from the photos below, but that building is actually by a major highway (or something) and that's a huge billboard on its side. shit, i bet you long time ago, that was just a building in the jungle that was down the soi. now it's got a highway as a neighbor and is pimpin itself out to them. so many people have probably gone by that building by now as well. it's funny to think that the background noise went from a chorus of nature to the vast array of car, large truck, motorcycle and tuk tuk engine noises on a constant basis. i live on the fifth floor, and wonder what used to be at the exact point of where i'm currently sitting. probably a damn bird nest or some huge ass leaves.i hope the building stays there at least one more century. if that's the way it's going to outlast time and be a representative to the future, then i say go for it.

as for my place, it's small but cozy and a perfect fit for me right now in my life. i hope to make a lot of memories here. i'll write more about the room in detail another time.

since i was a kid, i've always forced myself to read books until the very last page, no matter how much i didn't enjoy it or wanted to put it down midway.

starting about a year or so ago, i don't know if it's from laziness or because i'd prefer not to spend time on something i don't want to do, now i just stop reading a book if i'm still unsatisfied by the halfway point. i'm not sure if this is necessarily a good or bad thing though, and wonder if i should just force myself to complete it until the end. but then i think there are so many things to read and do in this world---why spend time on something that could possibly result in an additional, fruitless couple hundred pages?

hmmm, i'm still not sure about this one.

i ain't going to lie, sometimes i get the urge to just paint my toenails. i've done it twice before where i just do it and erase it right after, but i don't think i'm gonna find any 24hour duane reades in bangkok that carry a selection of nail polish removers. one of the main reasons why i even think about this shit is because my sisters used to do it all the time when i was a kid and it's no big deal to me. so what if the smell of nail polish remover reminds of being a kid and watching my sisters do it? actually, i don't remember if i ever watched them and am certain i never made myself obsessively study their technique or anything. i just always remember them painting them and all those products scattered around the house. you might be thinking, why the hell do i even own nail polish? to be honest i would never go and pay money for this sorta stuff. my friend judy gave it to me and it's from her work, so it has sentimental value. this urge is not an everyday thing, but pretty sporadic, actually. it's just when i'm alone, i feel like painting them. i guess the internet wasn't around back then as well.

nothing surprises me nowadays. actually, never mind that's not true. i can't believe the fact that it's actually fucking happening.

the colors of bangkok are so vivid.

so much can happen in a week. a suicide right here in bangkok. news from a friend in nyc that she's pregnant and expecting in september. doubt. sadness. feeling scared. it really helps put it into perspective though, and i'm grateful for everything in life. i learn something from everything anyway so what more could i ever ask for. it's funny because sometimes i like to ask people, "what are you looking forward to?" if they ask for further explanation, i ask what's that one awesome thing that's going to happen in the future? what's keeping you sane during your times of weakness? is it a special event or a birthday or a vacation that's coming in the near future? i'm always interested in people's answers and if they never thought about it, then they could possibly think of something that could help them when they're ready to yell "WHAT THE FUCK." it's funny though because every now and then they'll ask me after i ask them and today i thought, "i love that i continue to learn things and am able to use all of my experiences in many aspects of my life. that's enough to make me look forward to every new day when i wake up in the morning" i know, cheezy as hell, right? crazy thing is that it's true. on a daily basis, i have moments where i suddenly ask myself, "where the fuck am i? and what the hell am i doing here?" but i think in this case it's a good thing because i need to experience new things in my life. having gone through almost every major milestone of my life in nyc, i was in desperate need of change. all i ever met were people who left their hometown to try something new in nyc, my hometown. i needed my version of that too and finally feel like i'm living it. i'm constantly humbled by it all. i do miss my friends in nyc though. some of them were trying to possibly come here in april to visit me but those plans fell through. it's okay though, there's always technology. so for the past two months, i've been lucky enough to have stayed rent-free at a friend's vacant apartment as he traveled in europe. he's returning in a few days, so i've been searching for a new place to live. i found a few spots in one area of bangkok, but will finalize stuff in the next few days. i'm hoping to live in this place where my window is right next to a major highway within a busy area of bangkok. the building is pretty old, but it has its charm. it's alright though because i don't need to live in fancy accommodations, all i need is an air conditioner and some privacy and i'm good to go. we'll see how it goes. i've mentioned this before, but i'm a big believer in fate. without fate, there's no way all these crazy events can happen and somehow all get connected later on to produce an encounter that feels like it was just meant to be. i believe and it makes me happy. the current season is almost at the peak of summertime in thailand, and it is starting to get HOT. the humidity just coats my body and then the sweat starts dripping down my neck. after surviving korea's summer last year, i've learned to carry around an extra t-shirt whenever i go out. i walked around a lot the other day, and had to change into a different shirt twice. i arrived at my first destination with my shirt (shirt-a) drenched in sweat. its light color didn't help at all, and it was looking pretty bad. i changed into the extra shirt in my bag (shirt-b) and dried shirt-a. after arriving at my second destination, shirt-b was drenched in sweat, and when i say drenched i'm not talking a large ring around my collar, but almost wet to the point where it looks like someone pushed me into a swimming pool. shirt-a was dryer than shirt-b at that point, so i changed back into shirt-a. yuck, it's not the cleanest feeling. sweat really can smell when it's dried onto clothes and that was on top of the fact that i started sweating again after i left my second destination. i miss the cold weather sometimes, but am starting to get used to living in tropical weather. it's not as bad as i thought it would be. holy shit, i can't believe that this year is my tenth anniversary of graduating hs. time sure flies. everything's going to be okay.

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"A person who longs to leave the place where he lives is an unhappy person."

the unbearable lightness of being by milan kundera. page 26.

i just started reading this book and found this line to be so damn true.

after hearing some tragic news just now, i feel this sudden sense of panic and loneliness. i never want to take anything for granted, life is too short and precious. i'm ready to commit and give it my all---i want to be in a stable and healthy relationship. i'm so tired of dating. i don't want to be alone anymore.

i need to get some air and walk around.

man, i really REALLY need to start learning some thai.

i just noticed this, but is it me or does haruki murakami like to write about spaghetti in his work?

i'm so proud of you.

does anyone else have a problem with actually using their "good stuff?"

we all own at least one or two items that can be labelled as our "good stuff." it doesn't matter if it's that piece of clothing you only wear to special occasions or your favorite bowl that's used to eat one certain dish or the 5 year old couch still wrapped in its original plastic-wrap, these items have some sort of special monetary or sentimental value to us. we tend to use these items sparingly and try our best to give them long and productive lives.

i recently ran out of the facial lotion and since i'm on limited funds right now, i've chosen not to purchase another at the moment. i tried going without face lotion for a few days, but quickly learned that i'm not 18 anymore and what used to be inessential is now a daily necessity. afterwards, i started using these small sample size bottles of facial lotion that my sister gave me 2 years ago. i guess i always considered this my "good stuff" and chose to save it as i continued to purchase my preferred lotion whenever i ran out.

i was putting some on after my shower just now, and i thought, "why the fuck did i save this for 2 years?" i mean it works great and whatnot, but i lugged (okay yes i know they're tiny) these bottles to every damn apartment i lived in and country i travelled to for the past 2 years. i'm elated to finally put them out of their poor misery of being schlepped everywhere for no reason. i should've just used them a long time ago and moved on.

thanks, life!

sometimes, i really miss korea.

i'm currently staying at a friend's place and he has the kbsworld channel. most of the programming has english subtitles so i understand everything perfectly. man, watching these korean dramas just make me yearn to say, "여기 소주한아더요! (another bottle of soju please)."

as an avid news junky and someone who appreciates network news, i don't know why i was never exposed to al jazeera while in nyc.

since arriving in bangkok, i've discovered the greatness of al jazeera and can't believe i haven't had access to it until now. when i'd watch network news back in nyc, i can recall that al jazeera was used as a source on a lot of stories, but never knew their was an english language version or that its view was so unbiased. the channel's reporting is really good, and they have a global range of stories on a regular basis. however, naturally most of the channel has been dedicated to the middle east in the past weeks to cover what will always be noted as a historical turning point of the region. there's nothing more exciting than watching a news channel as "BREAKING NEWS" loudly screams at you on the bottom half of the tv screen. al jazeera is normally an arabic-language news network based in doha, quatar, and i definitely feel that it has the best coverage of what's been happening in tunisia, egypt, and now libya. also, they frequently have exclusive content, sources and experts on that none of the other news networks seem to give a shit about. thankfully they don't have any useless filler stories about celebrities or bullshit that are peppered in between their major headlines.

thank you to al jazeera for providing such a great service during the birthing phase of democracy and freedom in these particular middle east nations.

it's going to be a good day.

when i was younger, i had a big problem with using food to cope with my emotions. i used the microwave often during my childhood, but a lot of it was alone during the night. i remember that when the food was nearing complete, i'd always abruptly stop it a few seconds before so the loud, terrifying beeeep wouldn't go off and wake anyone up in the house to reveal my nighttime secret. i also sometimes prefer to just put the timer at a ridiculously lengthened time so that way i definitely won't have to worrying about hearing the beeeeep.

thank goodness i prefer to cook with ovens now, and would rather not eat microwaved food if i had a choice. however, those food issues are still there. i just reheated some food for dinner and am by myself at a friend's house, yet i just don't have it in me to let that beeeeep go off. the thought of hearing that noise alone is making me anxious.

i don't own a lot of clothes because i hate owning shit, and for most of the stuff i do have, they're things i love and will wear until there's only enough thread to cover one testicle.

one of my favorite shirts i own is this black anna sui t-shirt. my best friend judy is a designer there. this shirt from 4 years ago is one of my most prized possessions. i especially love it because the girl in the illustration looks like my friend judy, so i call it "my judy-t." however, i'm sad to say that after years of wear, the t-shirt is slowly succumbing to the hands of time. i try not to wear it out too much anymore in order to elongate its life, but then i have days that call for it.

since i was so far away from all my friends back home in nyc for my bday, i decided to wear it out the other day. here i am at a buddhist temple, praying for good luck and fortune to start off 28 on the right path.

it's also NY fashion week this week, and i'm sad that i'll be missing this season's show. good luck judy, love you.

i've been using my ipod a lot less since i arrived in bangkok.

back home in nyc and in seoul as well, i'd usually listen to it whenever i was out walking or in the subway but since i've been in thailand, i find myself using it much less. one of the major reasons is i think it'd be somewhat foolish with bangkok traffic---not having the ability to be aware of your surroundings would be a huge handicap with the many cars, scooters, bikes and people passing by. another reason would be that sometimes no song can be better than what surrounds you at certain moments of life, and you'd better listen up because it might never happen again.

i'm sitting on my friend's porch right now, and just getting some air as i stare at the sun. things are still at the moment, but there's still an orchestra of something happening---the sounds of a light breeze and echoing clanks of metal pounding together at nearby construction sites and frustrated honks of far away cars and rustling palm trees as well as numerous dialects of birds chirping and the low hums of air conditioners steer themselves through the wind.

...i should get up and head out the door, but i don't want to move.

"i may be just another person to you, but you're the world to me. i am nothing without you."

i'm dying to say this to that special someone in my life right now... to the woman who owns my favorite street-food-cart, thank you.

HOLY FUCK. jay mcinerney + j.d. salinger = BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER.

J. D. Salinger’s Love and Squalor By JAY McINERNEY.

it's feb 12 and i'm now officially 28, happy birthday to me.

i'm sitting in my friend's apartment in bangkok, feeling completely content with life and where i am at this very moment. i was in such a different place a year ago, especially geographically, and feel like a lifetime of memories have happened since then. coming to thailand after korea was one of the best decisions i've ever made in my life, and i'm truly humbled by all that i've experienced here.

having the television turned on to al jazeera as we watch history being made in egypt is the best background noise i could ask for as i write this. murabak has finally resigned and left cairo, and it's such an honor to watch everyone in the country celebrate as i feel like i'm there with them (thanks to technology).

who knows where i'll be next year on this day. all i know is, this is a birthday i hope to and will never forget.

do women know how great it feels to shave your face everyday? i always feel like i've scraped off a layer of oil and dead skin, leaving me with soft, clean skin.

the weather is so fucking gorgeous today. my original plans for tonight got cancelled, so i'm currently free to roam anywhere i please for the night---i think i might spoil myself with a massage.

i'm currently crashing at a friend's apartment in bangkok (thanks mogua), and drunkenly eating some noodles as i watch al jazeera. it's crazy that at this moment, history is being made as the world awaits what could be mubarak's final speech of his presidency. it's 40 minutes behind schedule, and hundreds of thousands of protesters are in tahrir square expecting to hear the president announce is resignation. i've been obsessively watching al jazeera the past few weeks and get goosebumps every time i turn on the television. egypt, man, it's just so surreal.

is anyone who is HTML literate able to help me make some very minor changes to my layout? if you're in thailand i can compensate you with some street food and a cold beer. if you're somewhere else, how about a virtual hug?

i'm really enjoying my time in thailand, thanks to the fact that i've been fortunate to make some good friends here.

everyday of my life seems like something out of a story filled with lively plots, and i just happen to be a character who's existence can only be found in this text. i don't live anywhere beyond these day-to-day scenarios, and i think i'm okay with that. each of my days are comprised with extraordinary happenings and memories that i want to remember for the rest of my life. i have moments where i take a minute to myself and think, "remember this. remember this." sometimes i also question, "who am i to be able to live a life where i'm blessed to have such wonderful people around me?" sure, there are lots of things in life i lack like money and what not, but i still consider myself to be one of the most luckiest guys in the world.

i could go on and on and effusively write forever about how fortunate i feel and how humbled i am by life on a daily basis, but i'll leave it at this.

for now, i'll just share some photos from my recent trip to laos. i went a few weeks ago for a visa run, and my excursion was spectacular. i chose laos because it was the most affordable choice to exit and reenter thailand, and i definitely recommend the country to anyone who is considering laos as a possible holiday destination.

also, on a side note, i think my 3 best friends from nyc might come to bangkok in april to visit me. i truly am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life...

i'm a changed man.

i was eating yummy street food with earlier in the streets of bangkok, and i ran into the thai version of 2NE1's dara.

every day is a new day.

sometimes, i feel like damaged goods. i need to find someone who's fucked up in the head as i am to feel normal.

of the many things i appreciate about thailand and its culture, one would be its kindness for stray animals.

there are stray cats and dogs everywhere in bangkok, but i've never once seen anyone mistreat them. in fact, it's the complete opposite---people are usually warm and kindhearted towards the animals and always give them food as well. a lot of the cats and dogs are healthily overweight and just sleep all day on the sidewalks, and passersby have no problem stepping around them and leaving them be. the animals are completely harmless as well and i haven't seen any act aggressive towards people. i did seem to recognize however that not a lot of the animals seem really happy. sometimes i'll attempt to get their attention or try and play with them but they'll barely act like they give a shit. i've also noticed that not a lot of the dogs wag their tails or walk around with any excitement, which is sad to see. that's when the following question popped into my head: are cats and dogs happier as pets with owners? yeah, there are stray cats and dogs everywhere and in every city, but i've seen a substantially larger amount of stray animals in comparison to domestic ones with owners in bangkok. i don't know, seeing how listless and indifferent the stray cats and dogs of this city are made me wonder if they'd be happier living with a human that they could have some sort of relationship with. i pondered the idea that perhaps cats and dogs have been domesticated for so long that it can feel innately unnatural for them to not have a home with a human. when a household does have a cat or dog as a pet, it seems like a win-win situation and both parties are happy with the companionship. but maybe these animals are depressed because it's within their genes to be pets and they don't know what they're missing out on?

last summer while i was still living in seoul, i remember this muggy august night where i was getting ready to go grab a drink alone at my favorite bar. the weather in korea last summer was absolutely miserable, and on that particular august night, i think i was just fed up with it. i was tired of wearing the same cycle of clothes and i was bored with just wearing t-shirts everyday. so as i was getting ready, i suddenly got the idea to wear out my denim jacket that night. there's nothing at all spectacular or exceptional about my levi's jacket, and even to this day i'm not sure why, but i was absolutely adamant on wearing it out. i usually don't fuss over what i wear since i only own a handful of clothing, but the thought of wearing out the jacket that night was me giving a big middle finger to mother nature and the unbearable korean summer. i remember stepping outside my place a few times to check how i'd feel wearing it out, and i thought "okay what the hell fuck this i'm going to wear it out tonight and that's final."

by the time i got to the bus stop which is a block and a half away, i was already sweating profusely but refused to take off the jacket. i waited for the bus and remember wiping the sweat from my face over and over as i attempted to roll up the sleeves as far as i possibly could. after riding the subway and trekking my glandular-problem-having-ass to the bar, my t-shirt was drenched in sweat. in fact it was disgustingly muggy out and i was so sweaty that as soon as i stepped into the air conditioned bar, i took off the jacket to dry my sweat-drenched self and never put it on again for the rest of the night.

there is a reason why i'm telling this story, and it's because of what i see on a daily basis while walking through the streets of bangkok.

while i've been told that december and january are some of the more cooler months of the year for this city, it still can be really fucking hot out (currently averages out to 90 degrees a day). however, sometimes i'll see the more fashionable girls wearing chunky sweaters and heavy blazers or trendy guys in down jackets and layer upon layer of thick clothing. sure, everyone's tolerance for heat is different and maybe they're not hot wearing all that clothing, but from what i've witnessed, some of these kids are sweating buckets and look pretty uncomfortable. it's pretty clear that what these young people are choosing to wear is completely inappropriate for the weather, but then i think back to that hot summer night last year and i feel their pain. i can't imagine wearing just a t-shirt with pants on a daily basis. if i got bored from only wearing a summer wardrobe after a few months, some of the more fashion appreciating young people of thailand must be dying of boredom---kudos to them though for trying to keep things interesting.

here are some recent photos from two temple visits i made. both places were about an hour or so from bangkok, but i have no idea where because a friend drove and i just stared at other people in their cars the whole time.

i love all the historically epic temples in thailand---they're so beautiful and humbling.

do you ever have those days where everything is wonderful and you're so grateful to be in the very exact spot that you are in life? where all that you witness and think about was meant to be seen and learned on this day in history? and you want to remember and describe every moment on paper because it feels so life-altering? i don't know, i feel this sense of enchantment takes over me sometimes in bangkok, and i can't help but take a step back and just inhale deeply to take it all in. i was walking through this busy intersection of the city today and it just didn't feel real, it was too dreamlike to be real. the people and the cars and the big blue sky and the smells and the noises everywhere were in harmony. to be able to witness these sort of moments in time firsthand is really humbling. the crazy thing is, sometimes my whole day feels like this and my small little brain can't handle all the excitement. too bad i don't have a camera to chronicle my time here, but i guess it's okay since i have the moment already stored somewhere. i just need to find a way to eloquently transfer it into words.

it does feel great (and sort of odd) though to live everyday in this positive way of thinking.

ever since i joined twitter a few days ago, i feel like i don't know where to put my content anymore. there's too many choices and too many accounts and too many different audiences and too much 2011 online vernacular and i just feel so spread out everywhere and i'm mentally still in 1996.

1/13/11 time capsule.

dear future thwany, the following is how you looked on this day of history.

Sweaty at the Apple Store at Siam Square.