have you ever been eating something so good that during your meal, it made you wish the space in your stomach was never-ending so you could stuff your face with it for eternity?

i don't know what this dish's name is but it's a mixture of fried and hainese chicken over rice that come with these amazing sauces (it's ALL about the sauces). i sometimes eat it twice a day and while i'll mostly likely discover a new favorite dish later on since i've already gone through a few obsessive thai-street-food phases where i'll eat the same dish for weeks, this dish is my current thai-street-food addiction of the moment.

sometimes, it feels like such a rarity these days to be sincerely asked, "how is life? how is everything going?"

it's impossible to walk down any street of bangkok and not notice all the stray dogs roaming the city (previously blogged about HERE).

it's heartbreaking to see at times because these animals look like they're in need of some love and care, but thankfully most of them don't seem to be mistreated by locals and bangkok-dwellers. anyway, i decided to start taking pictures to chronicle some of the dogs i've encountered.

i feel so alone.

do you have 9 hours to kill and in need of a quality, cinematic experience?

then i definitely recommend watching the japanese movie, The Human Condition. this trilogy was released from 1959-61 and is based off a book by gomikawa junpei. the movie is directed by masaki kobayashi and stars actor tatsuya nakadai as kaji, a man with a conscience who must endure the ugliness and inhumanities of war.

so many lessons can be learned from this film, and experiencing The Human Condition is a truly humbling odyssey. i randomly discovered this movie after making a routine visit to my regular dvd-spot in silom, and after watching all nine hours of it in one sitting, all i have to say is that this film is FUCKING EPIC in every aspect. the acting, cinematography, dialogue, story and settings all come together in beautiful harmony and there wasn't one scene that i found to be unnecessary or gratuitous---every single moment was spectacular. the film was shot over a 3-year period, so it's also interesting to see tatsuya nakadai grow not only as his character, but as a man and an an actor as well. his performance is nothing short of amazing and his haunting transformation from wide-eyed naiveness to a solider on the brink of death is a really interesting journey to witness.

since i have no television or internet at home, watching this film was a great distraction.

it's official, i'm no longer going to dispute or argue with bangkok taxi drivers anymore.

my friend was telling me the other day that her uncle---a staunch man who from the many stories i've heard about him doesn't seem to take shit from anybody---recently got into a screaming match with the driver of a taxi he was riding. i'm not sure what they were fighting over, but at a certain point, the taxi driver brandished a knife and my friend's uncle immediately apologized and exited the cab.

wow. seriously.

dear bangkok,

i know people dress a bit more casual here, but is wearing white crocs to a club really acceptable?

sincerely,
thwany

disappointment comes in many forms, but self-pity is tritely always the same...

after hearing some devastatingly disappointing news a few hours ago, i immediately felt this odd numbing sensation take over my chest and face. it's weird because i've never felt anything like it before, and that was on top of the dazed incapacitation that had already begun swirling through my head. all of this actually forced me to lay down on my bed, and i shielded myself from the world with a blanket of self-pity. i couldn't stop thinking. all the familiar questions of "what the fuck am i doing with my life?" or "what the fuck am i supposed to be doing with my life?" or "what the fuck is the purpose of my life?" repeated over and over, and i just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear.

but after about a half hour, i realized that i need to put all my self-doubt in check because i knew i could go down an ugly and destructive path if didn't. i will not allow anyone to stand in my dream because it's up to only me to make it happen---getting a big red "NO" stamp on my forehead is a part of life and now i've got to wipe it off and move on. i've allowed myself 30 minutes of self-pity and now i have to figure out my next steps again because what other option is there?

thanks life for always keeping me on my toes.

staring out of windows is the best form of inspiration.

i can't stop thinking about getting a dog.

gaga.

deleting _______ makes me feel real good.

i had a bad date (or whatever the fuck it was) today and am beyond annoyed at the moment. all i have to say is, i'm really just fucking over dating. fuck that shit. it's such a waste of time and i'm just sick of dealing with these guys that make me feel like there's something wrong with me. the thing is, i really don't think it's me. i'm not delusional to think i'm perfect, and i'm more than happy to admit when i'm acting like an idiot but trust me, IT ISN'T ME. i really realized earlier tonight that there's nothing a guy or significant other can ever bring to my life because i have everything i need right now---family, friends, music, food, writing and booze---doesn't anything else matter? i mean, i have hands and i have the internet. from what i've experienced, being in a relationship is pretty much useless. if it's supposed to happen, it will happen but until it falls into my lap this time, i'm choosing not to give it any more energy. i feel like an idiot for even giving it all the attention i did.

it's hard to meet serious people who sincerely listen anymore.

one of my best friends from nyc, junho, also came to visit me in bangkok.

unfortunately, both he and my sister have already left, and it feels weird to not have them around. but it was great while it lasted and we all had an awesome time together.

i feel such a disconnect with the world.

my notions about life have been slowly changing the past few months, and i don't know how or why it happened. at every waking moment, i feel so distracted from the constant stream of questions and thoughts that enter my brain, and i'm at a loss on how to control it. i can no longer restrain them and it's starting to really bother me. i feel mentally paralyzed because all the intrusive thinking going on in my head isn't allowing me to focus, or even relax. and it's not the kind of thinking where you're walking down the street and wondering what to eat for dinner later in the night or that you have to pick up something from the pharmacy, but so much more complicated. i'm trying to think of how i can explain it, but i just can't put it into words. i don't know even know what i'm thinking sometimes because my mental impression will quickly move onto something else just as fast as it entered my brain. i think it's really growing to be a problem because sometimes i find it really difficult to even have a normal conversation. i mean i can sit there and earnestly listen, but i'm so distracted by what's going in in my head that it becomes challenging to focus on anything. i can't lose myself in anything anymore either and on those rare and brief moments that i do, the thought "holy shit, wow---i actually just lost myself for a moment and didn't think about anything else" manifests from nowhere, and then i realize that that thought in itself has popped into my head and abruptly aborted my temporary point of being lost in the moment. it's like reading the same two sentences of a paragraph over and over because you're thoughts are elsewhere. i think too much and it's just making me more and more into an extremely serious person. while i've always had somewhat of a serious personality, it just feels so heightened now and because of it, i feel more isolated from the world. i know this isn't normal, and i wondered maybe if i'm on the onset of acquiring some sort of mental illness, but then i don't even think it's that. it's just me. i don't know why, but it's just me. unlike myself, when i'm conversing with people, i can always see that they're relaxed and not thinking about anything but what's going on at that moment. i wonder why my brain doesn't seem to be capable of doing that anymore? i know i haven't always been like this. i just feel like i can't connect with anyone anymore, and it's scary. don't get me wrong, i can still function and socialize without coming off as a complete sociopath, but the persistent thinking is still always going on. all of it just feels so sudden and i'm still learning how i could possibly use it to my advantage if i can. sometimes i want to crawl into a hole and be alone, but then i go crazy with all my thoughts and solitude and want to be around people. but when i'm around people, my thoughts are just as disruptive and i want to be alone so i won't feel so odd.

i always try to think positively, and it's helped me tremendously in growing and maturing emotionally, but this new subconscious dilemma seems like it's veering me down this unaccustomed and unfamiliar path... i'm trying to accept that this is the person i've always just been destined to become because i think it'll make things easier, but i still don't understand how it happened.

some things in life are so overrated.

i learned something today...

it was a good day.

happy 4th of july.

this is my second independence day in a row where i'm residing outside the U.S., and i must say that i miss celebrating the holiday on american soil.

i hope everyone back in the states has an enjoyable day filled with bbq, booze, lots of laughs, fireworks and the fresh smell of grass while surrounded by friends and loved ones. let's always be grateful and cherish the freedom and other gifts we have in life.

i am proud to be an american and a nyer---u-s-a!

shapes.

i've mentioned motosais (motorcycle taxis) before, but i also wanted to share a recent discovery.

if you're ever in bangkok and have the opportunity to ride a motosai, (with the not-so-common ability to choose your driver), i would say go for the smallest person you see. the view while riding on the backseat of a motosai usually means having to lean your body to the left or to the right, but if the driver is shorter than you, you can see everything you need perfectly. i don't know, haha maybe it's not that exciting, but i guess it was noticeable and felt special when it happened to me for the first time a few weeks ago. and for all the tall people of the world, i will shut up now.

anxiety...

dear bangkok,

you will always hold a special place in my heart.

-thwany

why does it seem like everyone i know is having a baby nowadays?

i'm scared---i feel like such a loser.

last night felt like such a rarity because i fell asleep early, but i did keep waking up in a complete panic throughout the night.

the dreams i had last night were all so vivid and disturbing. at one point i was freaking out at the airport because the airline employees refused to let me board. i don't remember where i was going or where i was coming from, but i just remember the feeling of having to escape because my life depended on it. then later on for some reason, my family and i were the owners of a donut shop, and in my dream we kept getting robbed. all the stress from the robberies just made me eat a continuous and massive amount of donuts, and i also remember feeling paranoid because i thought all our donuts tasted like shit. the scariest part of my dream was when someone was trying to stab me to death, and i could feel the blade entering and exiting my body as i screamed for help. it wasn't just the physical aspect of being stabbed that terrified me, but the simple fact of experiencing/realizing that fear and sheer fright, that this was how i was going to die and my life would be forever over.

all of my dreams (more like nightmares) from last night made me realize that i really need to make more of my life...

"What the hell have you got to complain about?"

andrew zimmern. bizarre foods' madagascar episode.

my home state of New York finally legalized same-sex marriage.

while i've never been the type of person to envision getting married (it's just not my style), it's nice to know that if i ever wanted to, i finally can.

having the basic right of being able to get married to anyone i love is sort of exciting.

this month marks the 10th anniversary of my high school graduation.

i know this is so cliche, but time really does fly. the fact that it's been a decade since i last stepped foot inside my high school is mind-boggling, and i've recently been thinking about what sort of person i've grown into since then.

life is really great because with time, i've really come to learn, accept and embrace who i am. it hasn't been easy to get to this point, but now that i'm sort of here, sometimes i feel like i can conquer the world---maybe that whole adage of spending your 20's to find yourself is true.

a few fundamental beliefs have helped me achieve all of this. one is, i completely have a better understanding of people and all the differences---both good and bad---that come along with them. for starters, when i first meet someone, i feel like i can get a pretty basic understanding of how their personality is. while i'm no mind-reader or gifted when it comes to people-watching, having a basic conversation about anything can be pretty revealing. a combination of what they say, how they say it and how they listen are huge indicators for me. i've noticed that there are some people who never ask you a single question during a conversation, but talk only about themselves. i can ask question after question for hours and they usually never realize that while i've learned so much about them, they still know nothing about me. sure, they'll ask an unimportant question here and there, but it's never anything that will allow me to reveal or share anything about myself, but used more as a catalyst to keep the conversation steered in the way they want to. then there are people who will always and somehow make everything about them. meaning, i'll start talking about something, and then they will immediately somehow make the topic about them, and off they'll go. then there are people who talk so much, but in reality they're not saying much. they blab on and on about whatever, yet the only thing i'm learning from their content is that they're a fucking idiot who doesn't know shit. i find people that fall into this category very irritating, because they'll be the first one to state incorrect facts and information with an arrogance that makes them believe they're right, but instead of looking like a knowledgable person, they just appear stupid. sure, i could correct them and say "actually..." but unless it's a close friend (which is rare since i usually prefer to not have friends like these), i won't correct them. i'll just nod and agree and allow them to continue to come off like the asshole/bitch that they are.

another important lesson i've learned that helps me understand people better is that most of the people i consider loud-mouthed and annoying are just projecting their insecurities. truly happy people usually don't have to put others down to feel better about themselves. people with something intelligent to say usually can find subject matter or a topic of discussion that will focus on ANY OTHER MOTHER-FUCKING TOPIC than emphasizing on the negative aspects of others. these are also the sort of people who create useless drama to attract attention towards themselves because they need constant attention, whether it be good or bad. 'ME-ME-ME-ME-ME!' is all that goes through their heads, and there's nothing anyone can say or do to stop them. these are the people i find most pathetic because like the losers that they are, they can't just be miserable alone but must bring other people down with them.

i like people who are engaging communicators. i enjoy hearing other people's stories very much because it helps me learn more about who they are, but at the same time i'd like to share a little but about myself every now and then. i don't feel like a healthy relationship between two people can exist unless the ratio to speaking:listening is close to equal. i'm too much of a head-case and will notice when the ratio is off.

now i'm just ranting, but i started this entry because i recently had to interact with people that i was just not compatible with, and it really got me thinking. whenever i can, i try to surround myself with friends i respect, admire and just enjoy being around, so it's been a long time since i was forced to hangout with people i just looked at like "wowww, what is wrong with them?" PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE THROUGH THEIR WORDS AND ACTIONS. if this was about five years ago, i think i would've handled certain situations in my life differently, but now that i know who i am and understand people better, i can completely maintain control of myself and be coolheaded. there's a lot of immature and stupid people out there and i've come to realize that they have nothing to do with me. my version of 'normal' and their version of 'normal' are complete opposites, and that's okay. i don't feel the need to explain myself to them and i sure as hell don't care for their explanation because how can i take anything that comes out of their mouths seriously? i should thank these people because they only solidify my self-confidence and i become aware that i'm actually pretty normal in comparison to them. when i meet someone who from the start doesn't seem to like me for whatever reason, there's not much i can do. nor do i want to do anything about it because unless i know i was being a deliberate asshole, i was just being myself and if someone doesn't like that, that's not my problem. sometimes people like sharing their personal opinions about yourself to you, but i know that has nothing to do with me and that person is just projecting the pain and discomfort in their heart. a very long time ago, i think i used to be that way as well, and i guess i'm just lucky that i realized it and chose to learn from it.

i'm just an average guy who's acquired all this information with time. i have nothing to prove accept to my family and friends. i know who i am, what i'm capable of, and what i want to be. when someone tries to invoke a negative reaction out of me, i think carefully about it because for the most part, it's just not worth it. if someone makes a remark at me and i lose my cool, i'm giving them the power to make me angry, when in reality they hold no control over me whatsoever. it's also comical when a person takes a jab at you and their attempt is pitiful at best, and while i could do the same thing they tried (thanks to the countless amount of material they've provided by simply being themselves), i usually choose not to because that's just mean, and they don't need my observations to prove they're a moron---they're doing an outstanding job of that already on their own.

sitting alone on my balcony while wearing just tighty-whiteys is so liberating.

my sister and brother-in-law arrived last week, and it's been so great to see them here in bangkok. i haven't been taking as many pictures as i should, but here a some from our visit to the aquarium at siam paragon yesterday.

and by the way, while the aquarium was fun, it's been a while since i went to any sort of themed-attraction like it and i forgot that dealing with the crowds and swarms of people can be so exhausting (and annoying).

dear SLEEP,

why do we have such a fucked up relationship?

best,
thwany

editing out the detached acquaintances and noncore factors of your life is pertinent in maintaining honor, value and significance of what is important in your life.

sometimes, i feel like a fickle head-case.

80% of guys in bangkok choose to have hairstyles that are so ridiculous and distracting---it's really hard to take them seriously sometimes.

the past week or so has been a bit odd for me. in the span of one weekend, not only did i become single, but my friend jaeyang, who i basically spent most of my time with whenever i wasn't with my former significant other, departed back for korea. i've been feeling pretty lonely since then, but am trying to find ways to keep my time occupied.

the good news is, my sister and brother-in-law are actually coming to bangkok tomorrow for vacation and to visit me, so i'm super excited about that. i can't believe it's been a year since i've seen my sister, i can't wait to give her a big hug.

"What I really sought was a better-marked trail into my parents' intellectual lives: bound and printed evidence of what they'd read, what had inspired and shaped their minds. A connection, via books, between them and me."

trading stories, by jhumpa lahiri in the june 13 & 20, 2011 issue of the new yorker.

i'm coming to realize that everyone has their own version of the same thoughts and feelings.

thank you, ms. lahiri, for so aptly writing this.

humility cures everything.

it's not about what happened, but i what i want to know is how and why it happened.

life in bangkok.

and by the way, that's a slice of homemade cake from a mom of a kid that i tutor in writing. and yes, it was yummy.

it was all meant to happen this way.

is it irrational to think i have a burglar who has been coming into my studio to steal random possessions? or perhaps i'm just going senile and that's why i keep losing all of my shit...?

within the past few months, a book, a pair of boxers, two shirts (including my ANNA SUI JUDY TEE) and some other items of mine have mysteriously disappeared. i'm pretty certain that i didn't lose these items, but have no other explanation for their sudden disappearance.

damn, i wonder what really happened to all of my stuff. it's starting to really piss me off.

now that i've crossed into my 6-month mark of living in thailand, even surprisingly surpassing the amount of time i was living in korea, i thought i'd share a few of my thoughts on thailand, bangkok, and its culture.

there's something very alluring about thailand, and it's evident in the vast array of people who live in bangkok. for me personally, the attraction comes from a few particular things. the first would be, it's considerably different from nyc. i know this is stating the obvious, but after being in nyc for so long, i'm still nowhere near ready to go back home. while i do miss it at times, i also don't as well. i would say that what i miss most about nyc are my friends and the available diversity of the city in every conceivable aspect, but going a year or two without that won't kill me.

thailand is also great because the culture is somewhat openminded and welcoming, and is therefore quite receptive to foreigners and alike. i mean sure, there are definitely thai people who do not think this way, but many do and make it agreeable for those who choose to come and reside here. while in bangkok, i usually never feel threatened or uneasy due to the fact that i barely speak thai---hand-gesturing goes a long way and i'm grateful to be able to get around by myself as much as i do, thanks to its peacful residents. thai people in general all seem very nice and like they enjoy life, no matter what their circumstances are, and their smiles and positive outlook can sometimes be cheerfully infectious. the tropical weather is also something i've come to enjoy. i used to really dislike hot weather, but now i've come to appreciate it because even though i don't work out, i've still managed to lose a little bit of weight from all the sweat i produce on a daily basis (i look forward to working up a sweat from just walking ten minutes to grab some food near my place). i admit that i do miss winter, but living in a one-season climate is especially nice on those days when i look up at the sky to see its breathtaking views with the hot sun on my skin. also, the street food here is just fucking awesome. it's inexpensive, easily found pretty much everywhere and comes in a wide and eclectic range. from noodles and papaya salad to seafood and shabu-shabu, you can find a street vendor anywhere and happily pull up a chair to eat. in fact, the NYT wrote, "Bangkok may boast the finest street food on earth." how fucking cool is that? and for the occasions where i'm craving other types of food, i can find most of it here (except american sriracha sauce). after one gets a bit used to the city, it's also not that difficult to get around. while bangkok's public transportation system is continuing to grow, i still think it's quite adequate at the moment. for my whole life, i've been used to schlepping it on buses, trains and taxis, and find it comforting to have a reliable way to get around without having to depend on anyone else. also for a broke ass like me, the buses here with no air-conditioning only cost 7฿ (equivalent to about 25¢). it's funny to note that from all the friends that i've made and people i've met here, absolutely NONE of them have ever rode the bus in this city---i found this out when i would ask them about where the buses run and how much they cost. i'm proud to say i learned everything i know about the buses i normally ride through trial and error. bangkok is also pretty modern in many ways. there are so many large buildings, hotels, international corporations and daily happenings here that are no different from what goes on in any other modern and prosperous cosmopolitan metropolis. the party and nightlife scene here is also quite decent, and having a drunken night out with friends can be done on a daily basis.

lastly, bangkok is a great place to just walk. i love walking around the city in my new balance sneakers and discovering something new---it's what i live for. however, due to the current rainy season and the unpredictable weather that sometimes changes faster than the time it takes to tie your shoe, i don't walk as often as i'd like to anymore.

i'm sure i've left out tons of other great details about thailand, but these are all that come to mind at the moment. and yes, there are also MANY MANY details about the country and culture that i don't appreciate and get really frustrated by, but i strive to stay optimistic so we'll leave it at that.

if anyone is planning to visit, don't be shy to say hi---maybe we can go grab a beer (or 2 or 3).

"At the stations, Vasiliy Ivanovich would look at the configuration of some entirely insignificant objects---a smear on the platform, a cherry stone, a cigarette butt---and would say to himself that never, never would he remember these three little things here in that particular interrelation, this pattern, which he now could see with such deathless precision; or again, looking at a group of children waiting for a train, he would try with all his might to single out at least one remarkable destiny---in the form of a violin or a crown, a propeller or a lyre---and would gaze until the whole party of village schoolboys appeared as in an old photograph, now reproduced with a little white cross above the face of the last boy on the right: the hero's childhood."

cloud, castle lake by vladimir nabokov in the stories of vladimir nabokov. page 432.

so very true, mr. nabokov---so very true.

my friend jaeyang left bangkok and returned to korea.

the following is a picture from his last night here while we were at a bar called longtable. goodbye jaeyang, hopefully i will see you again soon.

.

i feel you, buddy.

i'm so grateful to be humbled by life on a daily basis.

i really think that some of the people who enter my life, for whatever reason, are really here in order for me to experience some wonderful life-lessons with.

today was a great day.