i returned to bangkok from penang yesterday evening, and thankfully it didn't take me a full 24-hours to do so. instead of riding the train back, i purchased an airplane ticket and opted to budget more carefully throughout my trip.

as for my trip itself, while the main reason of me going to penang was to acquire a new visa at the thai embassy, i still had a blast and consider my stay one of the best vacations of my life. i've never really been a beach person because i get quite bored and could give less than two fucks about tanning, but something in penang had me wanting to just lay out in the sun all day. i think i got pretty lucky too because the few days that i was there happened to be the end of a long holiday week for malaysian students, and therefore the island seemed really empty. what i did notice the most were families out together, and i learned from a local that that's how most people spend time for the holiday.

for anyone who has considered going to penang, i definitely recommend checking out the island. the food was amazing and inexpensive, the weather was beautiful, and the people were friendly. the most popular area of penang is George Town, which is an alluring old colonial town that was declared a world heritage sight by UNESCO. it hasn't been very long since UNESCO gave George Town such an esteemed honor, so a lot of the property there seemed to be in the midst of transition and renovation, but i still really enjoyed exploring the neighborhood. another thing i especially enjoyed about penang was the fact that the public buses on the island went to most of the places i needed to go to, so it was convenient getting around. that's not to say though that i didn't have moments of cursing under my breath because the bus sometimes took forever haha.

here are some (or actually too many) photos from my trip. the very first one is of me at bangkok's hua lamphong train station, which i like to think was taken poorly by a random stranger as an auspicious indication of my trip to come.

i <3 penang.

last night i was sleeping around George Town, but i relocated today to batu feringgi, which is the most popular beach spot on the island.

i was expecting the place to be massive from the way i pictured it on the cab ride here. my driver was really nice and he answered all the questions i had, and because of it i imagined some major tourist spot teeming with people. i was relieved though when i realized that it's much quainter and quieter than i expected.

my driver dropped me off in front of a few guesthouses that are all next to one another, and this location is actually the only place around this beach that has guesthouses. i looked at a few establishments, and ended up picking the first one i saw---which was directly in front of where i stepped out my taxi. my room is sort of a shithole, but it was the nicest vacancy the guesthouse had. i'm staying in the very front room of the second floor and the view from my small window faces the beach, and the sand is literally steps away. i also have my own bathroom and balcony where i can see the street and beach, so i can overlook most of the other minor details here that would be nice if they were different. (haha and i know there's special about having my own bathroom and shower, but none of the other rooms i previewed had them). there's no tv in my room and it's nice and quiet. it's almost 2am and i'm in bed right now, and the only thing i hear are the constant waves that are crashing. aaaaahhh. i'm so grateful to be here.

i've been mostly eating street food and everything so far that penang has had to offer has been really really good. i had this noodle dish today across from the street from the Oriental Hotel and i could've easily eaten five of them, but i convinced myself to save room for other dishes to stuff my face with. penang is also known for something called white coffee and that was refreshing as well.

i'll be staying at this bath ferenggi guesthouse until i leave for bangkok on monday. it's the first of my three nights here, and while i was exhausted all day, i can't sleep. but i should try. alright, back to listening to the waves and my thoughts in the darkness.

the entire duration of my journey from bangkok to butterworth was 23 hours and 45 minutes. being stuck on the train for that long really got to me after awhile, and i was so happy to get some fresh air on the ferry ride from butterworth to penang.

i am at this very moment, in a pretty shitty hotel room in penang. its actual name is really Oriental Hotel, and it's at the very start of lebuh chulia. i think my room would be alright if i was with another person, but being here alone just seems a bit sad haha. i am pretty wasted, but i'm hoping to knock the fuck out because i couldn't sleep on the train.

i'm just about to head out of my apartment in order to go to the hua lamphong train station.

in a few hours, i'll be boarding a train for a 22 hour journey to malaysia. i believe flying to penang from bangkok should take somewhere around an hour, but since i'm perpetually on a budget, i am opting to take the old-school train instead. while being stuck on a train alone for almost a full day as it travels through southeast asia isn't the most exciting way to get to my destination, i'm pretty sure this is the first and last time i'm doing this, so i'm looking forward to the experience (being broke makes you do crazy things).

i'm going to penang, malaysia, in order to acquire a new visa because i've already been to laos and cambodia countless times. i'm actually super excited to get away from bangkok for a bit, and can't wait to wander and explore as much as possible.

anyway, have a good week and please send me some positive energy to keep me safe throughout my travels.

i just realized that for the past week, i've eaten every one of my meals alone.

it sure would be nice to have some interesting conversation.

"If I fail, if I succeed,
At least I'll live as I believe,
No matter what they take from me,
They can't take away my dignity."

greatest love of all from whitney houston's self-titled album.

ever since whitney houston passed away, i've been listening to some of her albums on repeat. and the more i listen to this song of hers, the more i fall in love with it. all the lyrics are beautifully written and so damn true. it's been decades since i first heard this song because it's impossible to grow up and not constantly hear it in stores and light-radio stations, but the lyrics have never meant so much to me until now.

r.i.p. whitney.

i do not know why, but this exists at the ekkamai bus terminal.

"He gave up writing his novel, too. He might sit at his desk, switch on the word processor, and watch the screen light up, but he couldn't find the motivation to write."

1Q84 by haruki murkami. page 400.

in the next week or so, i expect to be traveling to the island of penang in malaysia.

if anyone has any recommendations or suggestions about traveling there, please do share!

one of the great things i appreciate about thailand is that the culture here is pretty openminded when it comes to sexuality.

while i'm not too knowledgable about this when it comes to outside of thailand's capital, in bangkok, people are definitely free to be and live as themselves. couples of all variables appear affectionate in public as well, and i think it's great that no one is blatantly harassed or bothered about it. that's not to say that there aren't people who appose homosexuality here, but there's definitely something special about thailand. when i think about it, it feels as if the country is just not judgmental about things. that whatever attitude allows a somewhat forced acceptance of situations, that has in a way, made the country the success it currently is. i must state though that that isn't always such a positive thing because there are definitely other norms of the culture here that shouldn't be thought of so lightly.

i remember once hearing some tourists remark that "there are so many gay people in bangkok," but isn't this city what every society around the world should reflect? it's not that there are so many here, but the large percentage of the lgbt population here just choose to live as they are because they don't feel pressured to otherwise. the number may seem like a lot, but this is just the human reality.

"He had been to places that people had written books about, and they were not a bit like the descriptions. To see for yourself—that was the great thing; he always tried to see for himself."

washington square by henry james. page 22.

it's another beautiful monday here in bangkok.

dear thailand,

thank you.

sincerely,
thwany

i'm not a huge khao san fan, but i must admit that on certain occasions where i come here to run an errand, it's sometimes nice to have a drink alone at one of its tucked-away bars.

"I am not trying to make myself sound right and noble. I am telling the truth."

the autobiography of malcolm x as told to alex haley. page 299.

i'm sad to say that i am near the book's end.

i had been thinking about reading this book for quite some time now, and when i went to the bookstore to check it out, what finally made me want to read it was part of the foreword that was written by malcolm x's daughter, attallah shabazz. in it, she writes, "my father's life story stands alongside such monumental works as The Diary of Anne Frank and others," so there was no way i couldn't feel especially intrigued after that.

i'm happy to report that the book does not disappoint to the comparison, and malcolm x's biography is truly inspiring. from his humble beginnings in lansing to his life-transforming stint in prison to become a leader in the nation of islam, his journey is remarkable. it's difficult to refute a lot of what malcolm x speaks of in his autobiography, especially when it comes to his views on the reality of american history. and so i completely understand and empathize with his message and what he preached---and really admire him as a man who made a difference..

"Everybody with legs would come out to see any performer who bore the magic name, 'New York.'"

the autobiography of malcolm x by as told to alex haley. page 29.

sometimes, you have to be tougher than you thought you could be.

sometimes, you've got to find courage in a place where you didn't know existed.

sometimes, you learn that people are not capable of providing what you thought they could.

everyone is truly alone in this world. and even in solitude, life goes on.

here is today's WHO CARES.

the weather here in bangkok is starting to swelter again. april is the hottest time of year for this region, and it's also when the nation's most celebrated annual holiday, thai new year, takes place. since i pretty much usually always walking or am walking to and from taking public transportation, i've been literally coming home drenched in sweat from the bts stations for the past few days. and when i mean drenched, my shirt is soaked and sweat is dripping off my chin. sometimes my uncontrollable sweating can get annoying, but oftentimes i don't mind it because it's really helping my skin. today was overall a good day though because when i got to the cool youngish mom's house, i miraculously wasn't dripping in sweat like usual. then later on i went to the largest book store in bangkok, the kinokuniya at one of the major malls here, and the book i wanted to buy was slightly damaged, so i received a 10% discount after inquiring about it---score, with my ฿24 discount. i can't seem to concentrate on reading just one thing nowadays, so i've been jumping between different books and magazines. i know i really need to stop doing that because i think it's just not right. when i was using the bathroom today in a different mall, the button off my pants popped off and fell into the urinal. that was a first, and i thought about retrieving the button i've known for four years, but i decided it would be probably best to just let go. i watched the iron lady the other night, and really thought it was a great film. i love me some meryl streep in character. it started playing last friday at my favorite theater, scala, and as always i sat in my favorite seat, U5. the theatre started playing the descendants today and i caught the evening showing. the film had some good moments, and it really made me depressed about dying, but overall i wasn't a huge fan. some of the characters' actions in the movie annoyed me as well. i've been having a lot of dreams about my old neighborhood back in queens, flushinggg, and they've all been so odd. i always wake up feeling really weird, and like i really want to go check out all the places i used to hang out at. i've actually avoided going back for quite awhile because i don't think i'm ready, but hopefully i will be when i do actually return to nyc. ah, flushing...

nobody gives a shit anymore.

trippy shit that possesses quality is the stuff i live for.

i wish track #2 of this album could play in the background of my life at all times.

philip glass, you are truly the man...

i turned 29 today.

it's a bit scary to think that this is my last year in my 20's, so i'm adamant on making it the best year i've ever had.

one of the ways i wanted to start off differently was to not just get shit-face-plastered with random acquaintances and friends at some bar.

instead, my only close friend remaining here in bangkok, and i went on an overnight trip to the beach. it was really great to get away from the hustle of bangkok, and it was actually my first time going to a beach since i arrived in thailand.

we rode the bus from the city and after an hour-and-a-half, arrived at bang saen in the evening. we found a hotel that was right by the beach and booked a room with an amazing view from its balcony. afterwards, we had dinner and drinks at a local restaurant, and decided to forgo taking a taxi back to our hotel.

instead, we walked back to our hotel on the beach. with our feet being massaged by the soft sand and warm water, we talked the entire time with beers in our hands. we also seized moments to soak in our surroundings and looked at the stars and ocean as we took our time during the hour-and-a-half stroll back. it was nice because the beach was filled with local kids just playing in the water, hanging out and setting off fireworks---and watching them go about their saturday nights really made me happy. i realized that this must be the spot where all the neighborhood kids of bang saen go to see and be seen, and that every place in the world has their own versions of what these settings are.

when i woke up the next morning, i don't think i've ever waken up to such a beautiful sight on my birthday. the weather was just heavenly and the ocean shimmered like a mirror.

unfortunately though, the camera i was using stopped working the evening before just as we started dinner. even though i don't have many pictures from the evening (with the last three being taken with my friend's iphone), it was a great birthday nonetheless, and one that i will never forget.

thank you especially to su 누나 for making it so special.

the cool youngish mother of a student i tutor recently went to culinary school and she has been unstoppable ever since.

she's just so gracious and nice. she's actually been making me all kinds of pastries each time i tutor in her wonderful home, and they've all been really good. from the macaroons to her wide array of cakes, i always tell her how great everything tasted.

this was what she made today. that cake was sponged in the juiciest something that reminded me of caramel and butterscotch. and those scoops of mango, so ripe and fresh.

as corny as it sounds, i really do have moments all the time where i just look around at my surroundings and can't believe where i am.

i rode a boat-taxi the other day on the chao phraya river, and totally got photo-bombed.

you win, lady.

"when i usually see you, you are always sweating."

there's a congolese man who lives on the same floor as me, and he said this during small talk in the elevator as i was dripping in sweat.

i don't usually end up talking to anyone who lives in my building, so today was sort of a first. even though it's a small building, i've still never really struck up a conversation with anyone while living here. it's a bit of a mixed building with some international residents like me, but most everyone else is thai. for whatever reason, dialogue has never been sparked in any way between us. i mean there are no issues and we're always cordial and nice, but who knows.

i've lived in my building for almost a year and i know this somewhat neighbor guy of mine hasn't been here very long. but he was very friendly. he even started talking about how both the congo and south korea have heavy diplomatic ties, and that there's a korean presence in congo itself. that was such an unanticipated learning moment, and it made me silently chuckle.

i need to go dancing.

i really need to have a good time.

"Is it good night, is it good morning
Is this real life, are you performing
You're like a vision I can't control
We're in a movie I'm playing a role."

goodnight, good morning by beth ditto.

one of the most saddest things about seeing all of bangkok's street dogs is that even when i try to engage with them, most of them seem terrified or just don't know how to react. i'll click my tongue or whistle to try to get their attention, but they usually run away or only stare back with blank faces.

anyway, here are some more dogs i captured on camera through my daily walks all over the city.

"Actually, really knowing someone doesn't mean anything. People change. A person may like pineapple today, and something else tomorrow."

said by the awesomely cool drug smuggler lady in wong kar-wai's movie, chungking express.

is it foolish to dream? is it so wrong to hope that what i aspire for in my life will actually happen?

being alone in a foreign country can really get to me sometimes... but this is what i've chosen---so i deal with all that comes with it.

i've basically run away and isolated myself from everything and everyone, and here i am in thailand... trying to accomplish my dream. sometimes i feel like everyone i used to know has forgotten about me, but then i think that i should've been careful about what i wished for. the scary thing is, a part of me wants to separate myself even further from the little connections that i do have, because i'd rather just be miserable on my complete own.

it's really difficult to stay constantly optimistic, and convince myself that everything will turn out okay... that my writing will actually get me somewhere in life, or that i'll get my foot in the door to the warehouse of my dreams.

fumes of hope are all i have to keep me going at times, but i tell myself that i have to believe.

i wish i could cry on command and release some of the frustrations within me. i'm just having a moment right now and feel so dejected. but living here has taught me that countless others around the world have way more serious problems than i do, and so humility always cures me of these occasional moments of self-pity.

but sometimes i just wish i had more answers to all the questions in my head.

instead of wishing i had more control over my life and future, all i can do is control what i can, and recycle my fumes of hope for all that remains...

"'A person fucks himself up so much,' Colonel Aureliano Buendia said."

one hundred years of solitude by gabriel garcía márquez. page 126.

having bad manners is just plain tacky.