i want to disappear.

it's all downhill from here.

.

i left my phone at home today due to being in a rush this morning as i was getting ready for work.

i just got home and checked for any messages, and i didn't have a single missed call or text message. i don't know why, but pondering that made me really sad. to think that throughout the day, not a single person was looking for me or wanted to talk with me, it just makes me feel very lonely.

...maybe i should be careful of what i wish for, because i think it's actually come true.

whatever, i'm just throwing myself a pity party. i'll get over it.

here's an update for the sake of updating.

these are some pics i took in chicago last week. the weather was beautiful.

this past week of work completely wiped me out. it's a rainy and gloomy day here in nyc today and i'm in bed with my mac, doing absolutely nothing and loving it.

i'm talking to someone who i truly like and makes me content.

that is why life is good.

so much to write, i don't even know where to start.

i got a promotion last week at work, after only being at the magazine for 2 weeks, yes- 2 weeks! a position opened up and i approached my bosses, telling them i wanted to pursue it as aggressively as possible. i explained that it didn't matter if i didn't get the job, because i just started and have so much to learn, but if i let the opportunity pass without being vocal about it, i knew i'd regret it forever. the job i started at was the entry-level position that required at least 6 months of work before you could be promoted within the magazine. the girl before me was at this job level for more than one year and decided to leave the magazine because she was never promoted. anyhoo, i approached my boss and she set up some interviews for me with the top publishers of the magazine and i prepared this presentation and everything. i found out the job was between myself and this girl from esquire, who had pretty much had the position until i threw my hat in the ring.

suffice it to say, i ended up getting the job and am really proud of myself. it's exciting because i'm going to be on the masthead and all that good stuff. i grabbed it and got it for myself. why would i spend a year at a position when i know i can try and get promoted to a job that i would eventually want to be at in a much shorter period of time?

i'm actually going to chicago this thurs morning for work and coming back to nyc on fri. i'm excited because i'm staying at the hard rock hotel in chicago and i'm really looking forward to taking a bath. i never get to take a bath at home because our bathroom is a shithole, so i always look forward to staying in hotels. i remember even when i was in thailand and japan, i took a bath every night in the hotel rooms. i loved it.

speaking of my shithole bathroom at home, i'm moving out! it's a long story, but i have to be out of my house by thanksgiving and i think i'll be staying at my friend's place in the upper east side for a little bit.

things are changing so fast that i feel like my head is going to spin sometimes.

i don't know why but i just felt this sudden downpour of despair.

life is good.

i'm craving the banana pudding from magnolia bakery. honestly, i've never had one of their cupcakes. i know its what they're best known for, but cupcakes just ain't my thing. but put any banana or citrus flavored dessert in front of me, and oh man i can go to town.

the banana pudding from magnolia is just fucking amazing. i recently only discovered it this past year, but i find myself craving it sometimes. ugh, and i haven't gone to the gym in a week! i've been feeling so damn lazy and tired these days. all i want to do is eat and be sedentary.

i started work yesterday and so far so good. i'm going to hold back from writing about how much i love it and shit, because it's only the beginning and i know that i'm always like this at the start of any job.

however, i do know that i want to throw myself completely into work and forget about everything else in my life.

here's a fun story about a miserably hot nyc summer night.

a few weeks ago, on a hot and humid summer night, some friends and i were hanging out with my sis. we went to a few bars in the l.e.s., and afterwards while walking back to the car, we saw this large painting on the street. someone was throwing it away, but it was in great condition and wasn't half bad, so we decided to salvage and try to take it home to one of my friend's new apartments.

this painting was HUGE and extremely heavy. we carried it a few blocks and were all dying from exhaustion. the humidity was making us all sweat too, and i especially had my shirt drenched.

when we finally got to the car, we couldn't fit in inside. we tried every door and possible angle, but it just wouldn't fit. we put it back on the street.

the end.

i need to learn how to not give a flying fuck about what people think about me.

fuck how my life looks on paper.

happiness and living well is the best revenge.

i need to get on top of my whole, "life-regimen" thing.

i feel so vulnerable.

i want to crawl into a deep hole and push a large boulder over the opening so i could sit alone in dark silence for eternity. that's where i belong.

does anyone else have their cliche, high-school-era-nightmares that have them waking up in a cold sweat? on tv they always show characters saying they showed up to school naked, but mine isn't quite like that.

mine ALWAYS have the same story line, and when i get them i usually tend to freak out and wake up in an absolute state of panic.

this is what happens in mine: i'm back in high school and have been cutting my math or science class for the past 2 weeks and am scared to go back to class because i think i'm going to get yelled at by my teacher. then i think i can't graduate and get my diploma, and that's where the panic sets in. while the dreams do tend to vary in plots and endings, they always have that same story line and i end up waking up confused, scared, and anxious.

as you can tell, i have some traumatic memories and issues from high school. truancy was my favorite class, and it tended to get me into deep shit.

anyhoo, i've been sleeping very hard for the past 2 weeks. it's odd. i can't seem to wake up for anything, my body is just physically exhausted and refuses to wake up when my 3 (yes three!!) alarms go off. i hate being like this. i can't wake up for shit and can't ever get anything done in the mornings. i told my friend about it, and he said i might be depressed. that would make sense because, well i just haven't been feeling right the past few weeks. i think the stress of finding a job has really been getting to me.

this morning on the subway i thought i wanted to kill myself. i just fucking hated everyone and everything and i knew i just needed to take a breather, so i watched sarah mclachlan's music video for "world on fire" (which i purchased onto my ipod months ago) and was instantly humbled. i need to be humbled more often. i have to realize that my life ain't as bad as millions of others around the world.

blah. good night.

demons are always trying to get at you.

i am definitely going to go see this kohei yoshiyuki exhibit at the yossi milo gallery here in nyc.

it looks--so, sexy.

damn, i cant sleep.

it is fucking RIDICULOUSLY hot out.

it's been a while since i came home this late.

i wanted to write out in detail about my day, but i'm too tired. i'll just lazily do a bullet point.

-went to the korean film festival during the day and saw the documentary about korean shaman (moodangs) titled "between." it very intense and interesting.
-had dinner w/ a friend at gama on st. marks
-got tea
-met up with other friends at some italian restaurant on 2nd ave and 7th street. had a seltzer water.
-went to urge and stayed there for what felt like hours. had more selter water.
-ended the night at trash on 10th between 2nd and 3rd and dance my fucking ass off while drinking selter water. i saw the artist 'young love' there, i love his fucking music. it's been a while since i danced that much, and SOBER! woah.

i came home completely soaked in sweat and just spent 30 mins scrubbing all the ddeh off my body.

good night all.

.

i want to crawl into a hole and stay there until my flesh rots away.

the new york korean film festival starts today. there's a few movies i want to see, but one in particular. i love the movie "200 lb beauty." i saw it in coex mall in korea and became an instant fan of kim ah-joong and the film.

anyhoo, it's playing this friday at cinema village on 12th street and i'm thinking of checking it out.

the new M.I.A. album will be available from itunes in 2 hours. i am so fucking god damn excited!!

i love 90's hip hop. it's so much better than any of the stuff that's out today.

when you compare albums that were released then to the ones that are out now, man the stuff that's out now doesn't even compare. from the lyrics, to the beats, to the overall sound, thing's were so much simpler and better back then.

the retail store that i've been working on and off at for about 3 years just recently opened a new store on the Upper East Side. i worked there today for the first time, and will be helping out again tomorrow, and then going back to the soho store on sunday.

cheers, good night.

ps- i went running around the reservoir in central park today before work and all i have to say is, it is so beautiful and peaceful up there. i miss nature.

i didn't go to the park today for a run. instead i went to the gym, and boy was i glad i went.

i have a 2nd interview on monday with a national magazine. i'd be working in the photo department, but making only $7.15 an hour, and it's only until december. hmm, we'll see how that goes.

i've been feeling so unmotivated the past week or so. i've come to realize that i'm a person who needs something to do. being busy with work is a thing i've come to appreciate in life. i can't wait until i find a new job and have a reason to get up in the mornings. these days, i've just been feeling blah. i work a few days a week in soho, but i'm getting so sick of the customers. i am not a people person. i haven't gone to the gym since last thursday, so i decided i would go to my local park today and go for a run. i live in queens, and am about a 10-15 minute walk away from kissena park. i usually never go to that park, i don't know, i've never liked it, but i figured some sun and sweat would do me some good. so i get there and just start jogging/walking around the reservoir, and get pretty bored fast. i decided to run on the outer and inner paths that go through the more wooded areas. after ten years of living here, i had never step foot on those paths, and i boy was i in for a shock today. the wooded paths were pretty empty compared to the area around the reservoir and playgrounds, and i didn't really expect to see anything interesting. i focused on my running with my ipod blasting, and then came up onto a field, and to my shock, i saw this guy sunbathing... completely nude. he was laying face down, and was this burly, muscled dude with tattoos all over his arms. i immediately did a double take and saw that he had the most perfect ass, big and round. i wasn't sure what to do next. all i could think was, "is this the gay section of the park?!" but this is KISSENA park in QUEENS, shit like that never happens here. i then saw him lift his head and look at me a few times, and i started to get nervous. we were the only 2 people in this area, did he think i was trolling for sex in the park and had come looking for guys? even though i would love to think that i would do something like that, i would never everrrr have the balls (no pun intended) to do anything public like that. i can't even mess around in cars out of paranoia, let alone mess around in public. anyway, after passing that guy, he was all i could think about it. i started thinking of ways on the trail that lead back that way so i could get another peek at him, but ultimately decided not to and just continued with my workout. it felt good to be sweating outside, and i'm thinking if i should go back tomorrow for another run. i doubt i will, but we'll see.

i need to find some fun things to do.

i'm starting to get into Yukio Mishima.

has anyone else read his books? there's something about Russian and Japanese authors that i've always felt a deep connection with.

anyhoo, i'm currently reading Mishima's, confessions of a mask, and i'm thoroughly enjoying it. some say that it's highly autobiographical, and after doing some research on mishima, i truly feel it is. and with that being said, it's clear that he was gay. it's interesting because as the "character" in the book recounts his childhood and some of the homosexual thoughts and feelings he had, it brought me back to my own experiences while growing up. i started to remember all the different emotions and thoughts i had completely forgotten about, and it made me wonder how i survived growing up.

i like his writing, it's simple and fluid, yet still manages to show the complexity of the inner dialogue that the character struggles with.

aside from mishima, there's nothing special going on in my life that is worth mentioning here.

blahh.

has anyone else noticed that the summer heat is making everyone in this city crazy as hell?

i want to be consumed by something...

is there a difference between writer's block and just being a bad writer?

life is grand.

one of my coworkers said the funniest thing to me today.

it was such a slow day, so all us workers were trying to keep ourselves entertained. at one point, one of them says "check this out." and she proceeds to change her hairstyle and when she did, i kind of was like "WOW you look so different!" in the three years that we were coworkers, she has always had the same hair style, so when she changed it i almost didn't even recognize her. it boggled my mind and i told her how i couldn't believe that in all the time i had known her, i had never seen her hair style change at all.

so a few minutes later, i forget what we were talking about, but i say, "yeah my friends say i look ugly when i smile like this." and i do this smile where my whole face is scrunched up, and then my same coworker from before goes, "omg-- i don't think i've ever seen you smile... i've seen you laugh, but i've NEVER seen you smile..."

when she said that, i looked at her face and she had the same look of bewilderment that i had had about her a few minutes earlier.

maybe i do need to smile more? i don't know, i just don't think i'm a happy person in general. i just never have been.

i'm not sure what it is, but the past few weeks have been especially horrible. i've been feeling like shit, i can barely make it through the days. my anxiety and depression have been coming on strong, and i can't get rid of this contstant veil of sadness that surrounds me every waking moment.

i wish it would just go away. i wish i could just live normally like other people. i wish that i could do things without worrying and thinking all this crazy ass shit. everything just makes me sad, everything.

from the moment i wake up, to the moment i'm home at night, i feel so fucking sad and i have no idea why. anyone who says mental illness does not exist, i beg to differ. i'm a normal person, just like you, but the difference between us is i can't understand how or why my life has become something i don't enjoy anymore. ah, thinking about it just drives me even more crazy.

i'm just waiting for this wave to go away. it usually does, but this one is taking a lot longer than others.

i'm such a fool.

i wish i had someone to talk to on the phone.

i called in sick today at my retail job. i've been working there on and off for 3 years, and the only time i've ever called in sick was when i got hit by a car a few years ago, and even for that i only missed one day of work.

i haven't been feeling too well the past days. i feel so lost and anxious all the time.

wow, it's really been a while since i've really updated.

okay, hmm where to start.

this is my third week since starting at my new job, and i'm starting to feel more situated with each passing day, so it's been good. i'm enjoying the work and while i feel extremely stressed out at times, it feels good to be working and i feel really grateful to be employed. i don't really have much of a life anymore. i kind of just work... and then work again. i'm usually too exhausted to go out and ever do anything anymore, and i've also become a complete MISER and try not to spend money at all. i haven't purchased a magazine in almost a month, and with the books i purchased last week, i should have enough to get me through the summer, at the least. my only vices left now are coffee and music, and i guess those are two things i can't compromise on, i need them to get me through the day.

also since i'm working retail on the weekends, i don't go out on fridays and saturdays anymore. i know that paying for a long night out the next day just isn't worth it. my first weekend back at my retail job was EXTREMELY painful, because i wasn't used to spending 8 hours on my feet. but now i'm getting more used to it, so my feet to hurt as much anymore. yay!

you know it sucks because i usually think of all these eventful things that happen throughout my day, but by the time i get home i'm completely too lazy to try and post.

anyway, life is good!

my love-hate relationship with haruki murakami is currently on love.

i feel so damn lonely.

whatever happened to humility?

so i told my bosses today that this will be my last week of work, and they were totally cool with it. plus, it's a little slow since the summer issue just went to press so me leaving won't really have any sort of impact. while i'm sad to leave the magazine, i'm ready to move onto the next phase of my life.

since i start my working career at the end of this month without breaks until the foreseeable future, i kind of want to take advantage of my week off next week. i'm not really sure of what i could do, seeing that i'm pretty broke. also, i've also decided to take up a second job and starting the first week of june, i'll be working retail on saturdays and sundays in soho so not having and days off for a while really wants to make me cherish my time off. i've been working on and off at this store for years, and all the workers and my bosses are so nice and while i do dislike helping asshole customers, every now and then i meet some nice people. and i'm very comfortable working there and selling their products so hopefully it won't be so bad.

i'm sure that i will be on blogger, complaining about how much i hate working 7 days a week and how i'm tired and my life sucks, but i guess it's only until october/november so i can manage to suffer for 5-6 months, especially for my family.

again, i ALWAYS think this but as an american born, college educated human being, if i can't succeed here, then i am a complete failure. i think about all the struggles that millions of immigrants have gone through and go through on a daily basis in this country, and if they can do it, i can too. hopefully i'll be able to think of my parents and what they went through for inspiration in any times of weakness i have.

i don't know, i guess for the past 2 months i feel like i've been doing nothing, and now i feel slightly motivated to just go full speed ahead. and i always say that being busy is not a bad problem to have.

also, i'm hoping that me working on the weekends will instill some responsibility and i'll go out less, thus spending less money. for about 5 months last year, i completely stopped drinking because i felt my life was getting a bit out of control, and in the back of my mind i would like go try it again, but this time without telling my friends and everyone else in my life. i'd like to take the more humble road, and just do this for myself.

i'm also hoping that with me being a lot more busy, i'll finally be able to find love in some shape or form. whether it's for myself, or for someone else that i meet, or even for both, i would welcome anything at this point in my life.

change is 'a coming--i hope.

damn it i can't sleep.

after a long two month search, i finally got a job today! i had my second interview this morning and was informed at the end of it that i was hired and that i'll be starting in two weeks, on the tuesday after labor day.

wow, it feels to finally have a paying job!

even though it doesn't have much to do with what i actually want to do, i'm still elated to finally be employed.

after my interview, i went to the Angelika alone and saw "The Namesake." i love watching movies alone during the weekdays in the afternoons, the theatres are always so empty. i read the book late last year, and i have to say while the movie was visually stunning due to all the beautiful people, clothing, and other details of Indian culture, the book was much better. the book takes place in boston, but the movie takes place in nyc and that made a huge difference in my mind, and not for the better. the character of Ashima seems more central in the movie, but the book is more about her son Gogol. well, the movie was still enjoyable and i loved the actress who plaed Ashima. she was so beautiful and graceful. i've always felt that Desi woman are some of the most beautiful in the world. suffice it to say, i definitely recommend the movie.

next week is my last week before i start work. i'm thinking of asking my bosses at the magazine if i can make this week my last. i'd like a full week of doing absolutely nothing to ready myself.

i wish i could grow a beard.

it's funny how a single day can change the rest of your life...for the better.

i came out to my sister today. we had dinner at one of my fav japanese restaurants, yakiniku on 9th between 2nd and 3rd, and for the first time in 24 years, i feel that we truly were getting to know eachother. we learned so much about eachother today, it felt great. i'm lucky to have her and her fiance in my life. i was afraid that me being gay could somehow affect their relationship, but she went home and told him and he was fine with it.

pheww, that's a big load off my chest.

i came home after dinner, and it feels so good to stay in on a friday night.

i'm so good at fucking things up with people. that's what i do best, burn bridges...

i want to live alone on a deserted island. i have no social skills left, and am reminded on a daily basis by the world of how much of a freak i am. i hate myself.

1. drinks @ Gama on St. Marks
2. Dinner at Sushi Park on 2nd Avenue with drinks
3. Urge
4. Lit
5. Back to Urge
6. The Cock
7. Back to Urge
8. Back to the Cock (barfed in the bathroom)
9. Cab to Jackson Heights
10. Had a drink at the Music Box on 74th Street
11. Cab ride home

i can finally sleeeep. gnight!

ended up going to camel on fri night, and my friends and i killed 3 bottles of johnny black. due to my lack of sleep the night before, let's just say i got pretty wasted. ate in ktown after and then finally came home at 530. yeah, i'm not doing that again for awhile...

also, i finally cut my hair today after almost 5 months. wowww, i look so much cleaner.

damn it, it's 6 am and the sun is already up. damn you sun... damn you!

i just had dinner at Ed's Lobster Bar in noho (http://lobsterbarnyc.com). it's on lafayette between spring and broome, and i must say that i was very impressed with the food. if you like lobster, you will love this restaurant.

ps- i never knew there was a Rick Astley greatest hits album. thank you itunes...

*never going to give you up, never going to say goodbye*

sometimes i don't even know what i want in life anymore. i feel so lost. i have no direction and can't seem to figure anything out. it's scary. i feel like i don't know myself, i don't know the person i've become and i don't know who i want to be. i have no idea of what the future holds, and it scares me shitless.

why am i on this earth?

i still haven't figured it out. damn i am so depressed. this is all the shit i can think about. when i'm at work, on the subway, having dinner w/ a friend, it doesn't matter. all these questions just cloud my mind and it's hard to focus or care about anything else.

and this too, shall pass.

something is very very wrong.

you can't count on anyone but yourself.

i love me a good korean power ballad...

sorry that was random. anyhoo, i'm writing some short blurbs for the magazine i'm interning at, and my boss totally edits all my work to the point where i feel it's no longer mine. i dunno, i guess that's the world of publishing and the media but i can't but help feel sad sometimes. a sentence or angle i feel strongly about would be dismissed in a minute, and there's nothing i can do or say about. but hey, at least i'm getting published!

had indian food again for dinner today. note to NYers who love indian food, baluchi's on 2nd ave and 6th is always 50% off. i go there all the time, the food is great! i definitely recommend the place.

after dinner i had 2 spoonfuls of this. my friend ate the rest.

i woke up at 1 today and stayed home all day. i'm exhausted from getting shitfaced the past four straight nights. i feel so bloated and gassy from all my drunken debauchery, need to get back on track and mellow out for the next week or so. it's also kind of funny because i've been waking up completely naked the past four days as well. i have this habit of kicking off all my clothes while sleeping if i'm drunk. i always freak out and wake up thinking, "shit, where are my clothes??" but then i realize they're tossed about my room.

i hate coming home drunk. i just always feel lonely...

anyway, went to this burton party today in soho. steve aoki was spinning, and he was friggin awesome. since i left my digi cam charger in my hotel in thailand, i haven't used my camera in a while. i had to settle on taking pics with my blackberry.

i didn't get that job... yeah, kind of bummed but what are you going to do?

i just finished reading 'the road' by cormac mccarthy' today at the laundromat. mmm, his writing takes a while to get used to, but i would def say the book was very suspenseful and scary at times. i didn't really get the ending though... maybe i'm just an idiot but i was left somewhat confused.

now i'm going to move onto my next book, and guess who got their hands on a copy of the new murakami??! yes, i didddd.

i was able to get a press review copy about a week ago. the book comes out in may, so i'm so excited to be able to get a sneak peak.

i had an interview this morning at the most randomest company, and by random i mean a place where i never ever ever in my life saw myself working at. i think it went well though, and am hoping for the best i guess. don't want to jinx it, we'll see how it goes.

nothing else new going on. went out on sat night to a few bars and got wasted. ended up at stereo's sat night gay party. man, people in there were sure fucked up on drugs. it's been a while since i've been around that environment, kind of makes me want to go party again.

damn it... i am so fucking lonely.

i'm so damn emotional these days.

new Murakami coming out in May... exciting.

someone come and knock me over the head with a big metal pot. i'm acting like such a fool.

not to self: you are not 18 anymore. drinking until you barf in the streets is not cool anymore, you are too old for this shit. coming home with barf all over your shoes and jeans is no longer funny nor appropriate. get it together.

i have an interview on fri morning and i am anxious. this is the first time in my 24 years of life that i will be having this sort of interview (trust me i've had MANY interviews throughout my life) and i am fucking scared shitless!

yes, this is for a corporate job. ahhhh.

i was just thinking about it, but i have never been this nervous for anything. usually i never have problems picking out what to wear, what i'm going to say, what i'm looking for, but this is different. i have no fucking clothes to wear for this. it's sad but i've never owned a suit, nor do i honesly ever wish to wear them. usually my interview style is more jeans, blazer, and paul smith shoes but something has me thinking that that would be pretty stupid of me.

countless interviews to be a tutor, teacher's aid, 5 magazine interns, chocolate seller, retail clothes seller, flyer hander-outer, cafe waiter, bubble tea maker, summer camp counselor, television production intern, head of a tv channel, dish washer, valet parker, korea town bar waiter, college student, office supplies mega chainstore associate, or data entry employee have never had me stressed out like i am now.

and now I'm pissed because have to buy some button down shirt, just to wear for friday. also think i need a jacket, pants, and tie. i honestly don't even understand the position i'm trying for, it's nothing editorial at all or something i've ever heard of.

will keep you updated if anything interesting happens. i'll use ugly betty as my inspiration.