i moved into a room in hongdae with no windows and just enough free space for me to take two small steps... but who needs natural light or room to stretch when i have my own toilet.

i've been wandering for too long.

one of the great things about korea is that korean food is so cheap and delicious here (duh).

in nyc, i rarely went to korean restaurants to grill meat because the prices seemed so outrageous in comparison to just doing it at home. but in korea, grilling meat is really inexpensive and sometimes cheaper than going to mcdonald's and getting a #1. i think you also save money by not grilling meat at home because you'd also have to prepare all the vegetables, sauces and side dishes that are a standard part of the meal. also, drinking a bottle or two of soju at these establishments doesn't add too much damage to the bill either, so a good time can always be had.

i try not to go out and eat grilled meat too frequently here, but if i had a choice and didn't give a shit about my body, i would eat it everyday.

here our a few photos that my friend, and also a fellow BLOGGER, took when we out for dinner and beers a few nights ago.

addict.

alone.

i always root for the underdog.

you can always tell a person's true character by the way they treat and interact with service industry people.

i'd really like to explore seoul's underworld.

i want to go to all the secret and shady places at night and see all the crazy things that happen here because i'm sure there's a lot going on.

how do you tell someone halfway across the world that you miss them? and that you want to be with them? and that you want to come back to nyc and be together? and that they're not like anyone you've ever met before, and you want to put up a fight for them in order to show just how serious you are? and that you want to let go of all your insecurities and issues and finally be who you are without worrying about them not liking it or judging you?

but what if you've already tried something with this person before, and you wish it worked out so badly but in the end it didn't happen that way? do i risk scaring them off, or take a chance? or maybe be realistic and realiize you're now on another continent and what you want isn't plausible at the moment?

i don't know if i'm holding onto some fantasy relationship that does not/will not exist, or if there's actually something there that could grow into a great experience for both of us...

i hope that it will happen one day.

i think happiness is a facade.

sometimes i can't help but think that it really is a small world.

on a daily basis whenever i turn on the tv, go online, read a magazine or listen to music, it always amuses me when i realize that i've met, worked with, interacted with or been in the same room as the actor, artist, musician or whatever the hell they are. this doesn't in any way make me feel cool or special, but just makes me appreciate the fact that all us humans are a lot more connected to each other than we think.

and while it's easier to feel this way with a celebrity or highly visible person, it also can work with just about anyone.

i was waiting for the subway a few weeks ago here in seoul at a stop that i had never in my life been to before, and i saw this guy who attended the same university as i did in nyc, waiting on the same platform as well. i did a double take and was 100% sure it was him. i used to see him around campus and we were never friends and i don't even know his name, but the fact that we were on the other side of the planet and waiting for the same subway at the exact same time, well, shit like that really boggles my mind. and just before when i was on the bus to go home, i saw a guy who was also on the same bus as me this morning. sure, i know that we both live on the same bus line and it might not seem like such a coincidence, but if at one point during his or my day, we had spent five extra minutes or 2 minutes less doing something, the whole chain of events of our day could've been changed, resulting in us riding the bus that came before or after the one we were on. but it didn't happen like that, and we were two complete strangers who both ended up on the same bus again in the same day at the exact same time. i don't think he noticed me because there was no reason for him to glance in my direction, but i noticed him.

events like this just solidify my belief in fate.

i am running out of options here in korea.

was i foolish in thinking that with hard work, things would somehow work out for me here? was i irrational to think that i could move to seoul and establish some sort of life for myself? was i stupid to think that knowing i'm a damn good worker with lots of experience who busts my ass at any job would be enough to help me land some sort of employment?

i am in no way expecting things to be fucking easy and have everything handed to me, but there comes a point where i have to accept defeat and that enough is enough. my 90 day tourist visa is going to expire in a few weeks, and i thought by now i would've had some sort of job in korea.

i've come to accept that finding any job that's somewhat related to any sort of career is not going to happen at the moment. unemployment is already rampant in korea and since natives who speak proficient english are having difficulty finding jobs as well, i have to be realistic. i figured i'll just teach english or something like the countless other foreigners that are doing so in korea, but even that isn't panning out for a few reasons.

1) many schools and establishments i've applied to respond noting they want "caucasian" teachers only---discrimination against foreign born koreans and korean-americans is obviously rampant.
2) most foreign born koreans are eligible for a specific visa that allows them to live freely here in korea. having that visa basically opens the door to doing whatever they want, and they can work anywhere without worrying about getting any sort of visa sponsorship. due to certain reasons, i am one of the few korean-americans that are not eligible for this visa without serving in korea's mandatory 2-year military service---and that is definitely not fucking happening. for many teaching establishments who will hire foreign born koreans, everything is less complicated for them to employ people who already have that visa, thus i believe it pushes applicants like me to the back of the line.
3) a visa for foreigners who are working as instructors and teachers in korea does exist, but it needs to be acquired before you arrive on korean soil. meaning, since i am already here in korea, i have to go back on american soil to get the actual visa. this is problematic because i have not worked since i arrived, and my funds have all but dwindled. i'm finding out that no company wants to pay the expenses for someone to fly to american soil and come back to teach for them, and since i can't afford it at the moment, it just complicates my teaching employment even further.
4) on top of all issues listed above, i've been told that since i have no "teaching experience," companies are reluctant to hire me. even though i know i am absolutely 100% able to teach and do a good job at it, i accept it when i'm told this. however, i have met foreigners and korean-americans in korea who are working here as teachers and i have to say that a lot of them seem fresh out of college with no professional work experience whatsoever. sure, they might have teaching experience or whatever and i know this is generalizing, but when i see these people with teaching jobs, it just makes me wonder how they were able to find work and i question what is it about me and my resume that's such a turn off to companies? someone obviously decided to take a chance on them, and that's all i'm asking for as well.

i'm not taking anything personally, but after months of the same old bullshit, my optimism is waning. i'm still determined to make it for myself somehow, but determination alone doesn't give me a paycheck or a visa.

i'm writing about this today because a phone call with a job recruiter sent me over the edge. since i started applying for teaching employment, all the places i've sent my resume and cover letter to have had the following outcome: 1) no response 2) been told no because of my race, or 3) have been contacted by a job recruiter working directly with the companies stating they're the ones who set up the posting and they will be the point of contact to complete the application.

i've corresponded with a few job recruiters at some point, but nothing has resulted from it. i've been talking to this one job recruiter in particular for almost a month now because he said he could land me a job. i find work and he gets paid by the company for finding an employee, it's a win-win situation.

however, after weeks of trying to work with him, this certain recruiter has shown me no evidence that he's actually doing anything to help me. this guy is obviously a hack who doesn't know how to be professional and if i owned a company, i would never hire anyone like him. i've come to this conclusion by the emails, phone calls and all the other correspondence we've had. when we talk on the phone, all he does is feed me bullshit which is fine---sure, i see through it but he is the stepping stone in me finding a job and he claims to be doing all he can to help me so i just keep everything professional and do whatever he says i should do. i had a conversation with him earlier today because he hasn't kept his word on returning my phone calls or emails like he said he would. i was the one who called him and when we spoke, his tone and message was basically saying that he's working his ass off for me and that no one wants to hire me (many for the reasons above) and that he's had to work extra hard just to get companies to look over my resume.

what he said really pissed me off for a number of reasons. honestly, if he had shown me some credible responsibility in his work thus far and seemed to know what he's doing, i would believe him and be grateful. however, i am no fucking idiot. he was basically trying to make me feel humbled by all his efforts and just kept talking out of his ass about how he's doing this or doing that and his tone just really pissed me off. in his previous promises, he assured me that companies would send me to american soil on their dime to obtain the teaching visa, but now he wants me to lie to companies during phone interviews about my visa status so they'll unknowingly hire someone that needs to be sponsored? he sets up phone interviews and has me wait patiently by the phone for these calls that never even come and doesn't seem to do shit about it when i told him they never called. he doesn't respond to my phone calls or correspondences (which usually is me reaching out to him to ask why he hasn't contacted me at the times he stated he would) in a timely matter that indicates he gives a shit about assisting in my job search.

having to listen to this person talk to me today in the manner that he did and just accept it and try to prove to him further that i should be hired by these companies for whatever reason is just humiliating. having to pander to him really irks me and what pisses me off the most was that the phone call ended with him saying, "oh hey, i'm getting a really important business call---i'll call you right back in ten minutes!" i still have yet to hear back from him.

this entry sounds like a complete bitch-fest, but it's just more frustration in feeling like i have no control over what my choices in korea are. i also feel like in idiot for thinking that i could trust this recruiter with all his promises and now i'm back to square one with less time to figure out what the fuck i'm going to do about my visa.

whatever happens will happen and i'm adamant on making things work out somehow. i just need to let my current frustration subside and figure things out again. i have no choice but to succeed.

i've been doing a lot more outdoor activities since i arrived in seoul.

today i went hiking up a mountain with my cousin and his friend. my cousin (in the grey), has been working in korea for the past four years but is moving back to nyc for good in a few days. he's helped me tremendously while i've been in seoul and i'll miss him a lot when he leaves.

as for today's hike, it was definitely intense. i was honestly expecting a flat gravel path that slowly ascended to the peak of the mountain, but it was the complete opposite of that. the hike was extremely strenuous, going steeply up the mountain that left me thinking at certain times that i wasn't going to make it. much of the path didn't even seem like a path at most points, it just felt like we were just climbing rock after rock, hoping we were going the correct way. right before the peak, it's all large vertical rocks and you have to use your body strength with this rope to keep you from falling to your death. the adrenaline rush from that was awesome and kept me going the whole time. it took us over four hours to go up and come back down and am feeling completely beat at the moment---i'm pretty sure i'm going to be sore tomorrow.

i still don't have a camera so i took these pics today with my old cell phone, please excuse the shitty quality.

there comes a point in our lives where we must reevaluate the things that have not been working thus far.

when it comes to dating, i've always thought that i wanted x and x in a person, but whenever i got it, i realized it wasn't what i thought it would be. i thought those were things that would make me happy, but in reality even though a person might have had those qualities, they lacked other things that i never even considered. therefore, i've come to the conclusion that an "ideal" person or type does not exist for me and i've given up on looking for them. i'm going to try something new and even if i meet someone that i don't feel an instant attraction or connection with and would usually just sign off on, i'm still going to instead give it a sincere try if they're a good person and someone i could at least get to know more. i figure it's worth a shot.

on a side note, i really need to compile a list of descriptions for all the people i've dated--- the list just gets more and more interesting. dating is fun.

trust no one and you won't get hurt.

to be honest, smiling takes way too much effort and has always felt so unnatural to me. i especially hate smiling in photos and REALLY hate it even more when people try and force me to do so.

this is one of my senior year photos from high school, circa 2001. i remember the photographer really trying to get me to smile, and as you can see it came out awkward and forced---i look like a fucking idiot. but man, time sure does fly.

i would love to smoke a bowl right about now and get lost in a pile of magazines for hours.

happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy gunshot.

today, i take a moment in my day to remember anne frank.

r.i.p. anne.

having lived with an awesome dog before i came to korea, sometimes i really miss that dog-to-human interaction. there's nothing better than man's best friend and the unconditional love they show---whether you're feeling down or happy, it's always nice to have a buddy around.

i learned of a place called bau house, which is a well known dog cafe in seoul, soon after i arrived in korea. this is a cafe where you can go and have coffee and veg out while playing with a large number of dogs that just hop on the tables and roam around freely. some of the dogs are bau house residents, while others are dropped off by their owners for doggy day care. i've been looking forward to going to this place for some time now and finally did the other day with a good friend who is in town from nyc. it's always nice to see a familiar face from home, and getting some doggy-interaction made this day extra special.

i've been looking for work for a while now and haven't had any luck in seoul.

i've been applying to places here and there and then i get an email response this morning that stated they're looking for "CAUCASIAN CANDIDATES" only.

i was born in nyc, studied non-fiction writing in college and have extensive work experience in the field of editing and writing---yet, these places would rather hire "caucasians" that might possibly be professionally under-qualified with no work experience whatsoever but their korean clients will think "ohh, white people! this is where i want my child to study!"

isn't that a trip? i think it's pretty funny but i guess it's just the reality of how things work here.

it's interesting how being korean-american in the states, there's a lot of baggage that sometimes comes with being a minority and not feeling accepted in certain circumstances. then i come to korea and people tell me "you're korean! you should know how to speak and write better, you need to study more!" nyc is really the only place i will ever feel like i truly fit in and can be myself. the absurdity in the disparaging statements i've gotten in korea insinuating i'm not korean enough or am not up to par on culture makes me laugh so much in the inside, and i never take it to heart whenever it's directed towards me. trust me, i want to learn a lot more and i know there's room for vast improvement in my "korean-ness" (or whatever that means), but i think i've done pretty okay for myself in learning about korean stuff back in the states and if people don't understand why their statements are ridiculous, there's nothing i really want to do about it.

it's not my job or place to educate those who can't learn basic things about life and human-beings on their own.

i don't know anymore. the dream, the bubble, the fake reality i've made for myself is closing in and i can see my inevitable truth ahead. i've suddenly forgot how to walk and am not sure what to mobilize first in order to take the baby step back to how i want my life to be. is it my head? or my shoulders? or my fingers? no---it's my feet. the first step requires me moving one foot in front of the other, but i'm so fucking scared.

i'm so grateful to my true friends who accept me completely for who i am, major embarrassing life issues/problems and all.

from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Harlem/Dream Deferred by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

who cares.

what is it with people who can't understand the concept that all human beings are different and that it's not necessarily a negative thing?

yes, it's a very simple notion, and that's why it's even more frustrating and annoying that ignorant/provincial folks just don't seem to get it.

think of life as an equation. in our own individual lives, aka math problems, we're trying to figure out the right numbers, factors and components that will lead us to that ultimate solution to the equation. whether we're adding, subtracting, multiplying, dividing or whatever, we all use the same numbers and systems.

however, that doesn't mean that each equation is ever the same because all of our desired solutions are different. some seem more complicated and some are more simpler than others and then as individuals with our own personalities, we add our own elements that represent ourselves. some of us use oxford legal notepads, and some of use bar napkins to write on. some of us have impeccably legible handwriting, and some of us have really bad chicken-scratch handwriting. some of use an abacus (okay maybe only asian people a long time ago), and some of use an expensive texas instrument calculator. some of us like permanent sharpies, and some of us prefer pencils with erasers. some of us will only use the colors black or blue, and some of us will spray paint with bright colors. some of us cheat, and some of us are adamant on figuring it out on our own. some of us are good in math and enjoy it, while some of us (like myself) really hate it and would rather write an essay---i'll stop here but you get what i'm saying.

my point is, when the math problem is finally completed and you look at it in its entirety, no two will ever be alike and that's totally okay because that's fucking life. so why is it that certain people feel the need for themselves and the rest of their surrounding world to fall into their own version of the boring ass equation of 1 + 1 =2 written on white paper with a black pen?

even if they don't embrace the differences in people, i would hope that as a fellow human being that these idiots would acknowledge that they are no better or worse than them, just different.

being in korea, i get frustrated sometimes because i've heard people sometimes say stuff that is blatant ignorance and generalizing. it's so ridiculous that i have to laugh it off in my head and i don't let it upset me and just choose not to waste my time with people like that. i guess it just makes me sad that some people will never learn or grow by meeting someone who's completely different from what they're used to. i'm not saying they have to be best friends, but just opening up the door a little can let a smell, sound or light that they've never experienced before come through.

life is funny.

but then i'm never really laughing...

i've been going to han-gang, the large river that cuts through seoul, as much as possible to clear my head and get some air.

the other day i discovered that you can rent a bike there for $3 an hour---what a great deal. i've been wanting to buy a bike since i arrived in korea but this works out so much better since i don't have anywhere to store it and i hate owning stuff. the bike path along the river is so beautiful and there's a lot to see. whether it's people fishing or wild flowers or small streams or fields of dragonflies or families picnicking or people swimming in the large river-side infinity pools, it's easy to just keep biking along the path and lose track of time.

the concept of "double-dipping" and its negative connotation is such an american thing.

i generally don't trust people and that's got to change.

i need to keep busy.

i can't concentrate. insecurities + anxiety + insomnia + feeling like absolute shit is so fucking distracting. i think it's my loneliness that's possibly triggering everything. i think i have way too much fucking time on my hands to just think about stuff. i try to keep myself busy when i get like this but i can't do anything but sit by myself as my mind wanders into crazy places. isn't it funny how our brains are wired and we have no natural control over some things?

i just want to be happy. no, actually i don't even need to be happy, i just want not feel like this. i was feeling the same way last night as well so i decided to go for a run to hangang at 3am but i won't be doing that tonight.

i just want to fall asleep.

can't function.

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back in nyc, there's nothing worse than going out and having a few drinks and then riding the subway home and then you have the urge to take a piss. it's easy to hold it for a stop or two or five, but after a certain point you know you're going to piss your pants if you don't go RIGHT NOW. then you know it's time to get the hell off the subway and onto the street when you start to do the piss dance, where you contort your body in whatever way you can to prevent the leakage. the worst part is that public bathrooms in nyc are rare so even if you get off the subway at an unknown stop to take a leak, you still have find an actual bathroom. i've experienced this nightmare countless times and i can say that it is the absolute worst.

however, one of the great things about seoul is that public restrooms are almost everywhere. whether it's a subway station, cafe, bakery or random building, finding a bathroom usually isn't hard at all. and many of the bathrooms in seoul are pretty modern and clean from what i've seen---a large percentage even happen to have electronic bidets.

then there are days like today where i have to urgently use the bathroom (the sitting down kind), and i find a pretty clean and decent one. everything seems normal up until the point where i kick open the bathroom stall and stumble onto the gem pictured below---the history of these types of toilets is not something i'm really familiar with but i do know that they are old school style.

i already have weird issues about pooping in public toilets on top of the fact that i don't have the skills to use this sort of squatting toilet. suffice it to say, i squeezed with my life for long enough to take a quick photo and sprint on to a toilet where balancing skills are not required.

korea is making me feel old.

i think i was living in this insular little bubble in nyc where the natural cycle of life (at least for most of the world) didn't affect me and my close friends.

most of us lived carefree, single lives where thinking about things such as getting married, having a mortgage and starting a family was as foreign as discussing people who have pogonophobia: a fear of beards. and even for my close friends who are in relationships, the thought of finally settling down with eachother and walking down the aisle is something way down the line---it's nothing that they're anticipating for at least a few years. instead we enjoyed eachother's company, ate good food, met different types of people, partied, looked for fun cultural events to attend and basically took advantage of the fact that we could live this way in new york city and have an awesome time doing so.

my bubble in korea has been drastically different thus far. that's not to say that people aren't living that way in seoul, but even while doing so, korean culture is so different and family oriented that it affects so many different aspects of your life.

for starters, while i'm 27 years old in america, i'm 28 in korean age. i still don't understand the reasoning well enough to explain it here so we'll just say that it's a korean cultural thing. when people ask my age, i always just say i was born in 1983 and let them figure it out themselves. since i'm 28 in korea, it's the ripe old age to get married. many people are already married by this point with kids or are engaged or thinking about all that stuff and i've been told countless times here that i should be doing the same. i've also already met some people here who said they'd like to set me up with a nice girl so we can get married, which makes me laugh so hard on the inside but i just politely smile or say "sure, i'll meet this person." my cousin who is a few years older than me introduced me to some friends of hers who are both 30 and have been married for a while and have a 7 year old daughter. they're both very nice people and the wife insisted that she set me up with a friend of hers who is a nurse and also 30 years old. i nonchalantly said i would meet her, not actually thinking anything would come of it but they called me today and said that they had set up a double-dinner-date for the four of us this saturday. i naturally panicked on the phone (but still kept it cool) and said i'm not ready because i'm still unemployed and would like to focus on finding a job before i start any sort of serious relationship, but man that was a close one.

one thing i do appreciate about korean culture is its importance on family. it's nice to see parents out with their kids enjoying life and spending quality time together, whether it's going on outings or playing at the park or going out to eat. yeah, i know this happens everywhere around the world but seeing this firsthand in seoul is really refreshing because i'm not used to seeing korean families like this. i'm used to being in new york where most of the immigrant parents are working all the time and struggling to cope with all the anxieties that come along with american and new york culture. having leisurely family time where you actually bond with your children and spouse was sadly not something i witnessed firsthand very often in new york, creating a large disconnect amongst family members. so it makes my heart melt when i go to the park in seoul and it's teeming with happy parents and children who are smiling, laughing, playing and acting how families should act. sure there are plenty of dysfunctional and fucked up families here as well, but it's still just nice to see the korean families with some normalcy between them.

i can't sleep.

i'd like to write about something here, but all i can do is stare at the empty, blogger-box with the blinking cursor, void of anything except for a vast amount of white space that can be filled with an infinite combination of words and sentences... oh, i know---i'll write about something i saw today.

today, i saw a very brave man---a gentleman who can obviously list courage, spunk and fearlessness as character traits. i had my final appointment this morning with my doctor at the hospital to get my stitches removed from my surgery. after i left the hospital, i was crossing the large street directly outside the exit and there he was: a food delivery man on a moped without a helmet who had on an obvious toupee... how the hell did he keep that rug on his head with the wind blowing through his synthetic, sinewy and plastic-like hair??

i guess i'll never know, but what i do know is that a man with that sort of gumption will always be listed as a hero in my book.

i've had the same nightmare at least four times within the past two weeks. it's always the same where i'm flunking math or science in high school because i've been cutting classes and my eligibility to graduate is in serious jeopardy. i usually freak out in my dream and feel so helpless and scared to go back to class because i'm deathly afraid of getting in trouble.

i graduated high school in 2001 and i still wake up panicked from these nightmares---so odd.

i understand that i'm in a new country with societal and cultural norms that are different from what i'm used to. i always try to keep an open mind and try to embrace these differences as learning lessons that will help me overall through my time here, but there is one thing about korean culture that drives me absolutely bonkers: WHY DO PEOPLE WEAR CLOTHING WITH SO MUCH NONSENSICAL ENGLISH ON IT???

holy shit, sometimes i read text on people's clothes and want to violently shake them and ask, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE F* YOU'RE WEARING???"

i guess i just believe in sincerity and knowing/loving/understanding what i have and what i choose to represent myself with, whether it's clothing with some text on it, a tattoo on my body, etc. i've asked my native cousins about this issue and they say most koreans have no idea what their shirts say and wear them because they like the design and the way it looks. but don't people understand that all words have meaning that should be respected? when i see people walking around with all this bullshit on, it just makes me not take them seriously. but then i think, maybe i'm just too serious and need to pull the-big-nyc-stick out of my ass?

...nah, don't think so.

a good friend of mine ended up moving into my room at my former upper west side apartment. even though she's been there since i left, my other friends/roommates are throwing her her welcoming party tonight. i wish i could be there but i guess that would defeat the purpose of having the event.

here are some photos in honor of my old room, which i miss dearly. i'm sure it looks completely different now since she's moved in, but this is how i will always remember it---empty without any furniture and with clutter kept to a minimum, just how i like it.

i don't know where the past 5 days went... oh wait---yes, i do. i was in the hospital recovering from getting emergency surgery for appendicitis!

i got suddenly sick on tuesday afternoon while, comically, at the largest bookstore in korea. the kyobo bookstore is located in kangnam, i had just arrived and at that point was perusing through a magazine.

well just got out of the hospital today. i'm going to recover at my aunt's house for a day or two before i go back to my place.

since i arrived in seoul a little over a month ago, many great, annoying and uneventful things have happened. i don't know how to list this recent life adventure but all i know is that moving to a new country and trying to settle into some sort of life and routine is taking much longer than i expected. perhaps i'm lucky that my life isn't boring---which doesn't necessarily mean full of drama but interesting to say the least.

but i'm recovering and no longer in pain and have my health back. what more could i ask for?

i will not allow myself to get stressed about things that are out of my control.

life feels like such a soap opera sometimes.

it is so difficult for me to lie in bed with the lights off and just fall asleep.

it's just me, the darkness and my thoughts and my mind starts to wander and i get extreme anxiety. i have nothing to concentrate or think about other than the fact that i can't fall asleep, on top of other subjects of worry which i won't discuss. lately i can only put up with five minutes of doing that, and then i hop out of bed and decide to come online until i think i'm getting sleepy again. then i get tired after mindless web-surfing and go to bed and the same thing happens again. this happens at least a few times a night, with hour gaps between each cycle.

at times like this, i really fucking wish hulu.com worked in korea.

we all have our own paths, aka our own story.

"your profession is X and you hang out with X and you've been with X for X amount of years and the two of you met in this X way and you went to X school and do X stuff for fun and your family is X and your sibling does X and X years ago X happened to them and so on." that's your path/story for now and while it can change in so many ways within a moment's notice, as of now that's what it is and that's how people define your story.

i think when it comes to relationships, my path/story has always been the same: i think i want commitment but i haven't met anyone as of now where i've wanted to pursue anything serious, or at least i haven't met anyone where those feelings were mutual. my story is "i'm the chronically single guy, even though i am earnestly seeking someone to share and enjoy my life with." that can change on any given day, but it could also not.

i'm sort of not in a clear state of mind to write but my point is, i don't think i'm meant to be in a relationship. you know that person you describe as "oh he/she is always single and always has been..." that's me at this point in my life and i'm not sure if this path/story of mine will ever change. i'm not upset about it or anything because it's mostly me and i've had opportunities to be in relationships but it's just never felt like the right situation. i don't like being in anything where i'm not willing to give 100% and my whole heart and don't like to waste neither my time nor anyone else's for that matter.

i date pretty often and meets lots of people but meeting someone where i can foresee the two of us being together for a long time, that just rarely happens for me. and when i do meet someone where i think that's possible, those feelings fade soon after and i don't always know why. up until now i've thought of it as "well i just haven't met the right person yet and when i do it'll be great." but it's been 27 years now and i don't know if that person is ever even going to come. it could also be, maybe i'm just not a relationship person and i'm just learning to really accept it now.

i guess this is my path/story and role within society. it's not such a bad thing because there will always be people with my same story that exists in everywhere at any point in time, i fill that quota.

why do i feel like such an emotional wreck??

i'm so tired but i just can't fall asleep.

i also only slept two hours last night. i feel drunk off exhaustion when i get to this point and trying to focus is often difficult.

one day i know i'm going to end up doing something really stupid and crazy due to the fact that my mind is racing, i'm alone, it's the middle of night, i'm frustrated and in dire need of something to ease my lonely thoughts. i wish i could just tell my brain to chill out and take a break, but it doesn't want to listen. it just thinks and thinks and thinks and thinks some more.

reading helps until the point where i'm ready to put the book down and get some shut eye, but then i turn the lights off and just end up tossing and turning in bed, unable to ease into that unconscious state of happiness. sleeping pills is a definite no-no for me---been there, done that and my body is immune to them. i never know if working out in the day actually helps because it doesn't really seem to affect me when i'm trying to fall asleep later that night. watching tv is nice but i usually stay up longer when i do so. i try some creative writing sometimes but i can't ever express my thoughts on paper correctly and know when to close microsoft word and give it a rest.

hmm, i do think that some great conversation would help though.

do people even believe in sincerity anymore?

i really need a new look. i've had the same style for way too long and i'm so bored of everything.

it's never too late... right??

one of my favorite things about korean culture is the abundance of saunas everywhere. most are open twenty-four hours and for as little as five dollars, you can soak in a stone jacuzzi, sweat out some toxins in a dry/wet sauna, plunge yourself in ice cold water, watch television, get a message, eat, or even sleep in the communal napping area for as long as you please. men and women each have their own separate sections so the environment is pretty relaxed, and i've seen dads come with their young sons so it's family friendly as well. i prefer to go alone because i like to go and calm my mind a little. plus, i try to stay much longer but i'm usually in-and-out after thirty minutes since i usually sweat profusely and my tolerance for heat isn't as high as other people.

i just got back from the sauna and i feel so much better and relaxed about everything---i think i might take a nap.

i've got to stop self-medicating with food. i normally never talk about my food issues here because mine are fucking major and it's such a never-ending personal struggle for me, but i'm at a point in my life where i've come to understand it and learned how i can grow (not sideways) from it. while i've learned to control a large part of it, i've still got food issues and those tendencies surface if i'm stressed, lonely, or just not feeling great. food distracts me and always brought me great comfort in life. like any addict who deals with their issues in any unhealthy way, food can become a dangerous drug for me. i'll think and obsess about eating something and will not stop until i get my fix. that means whether i have to cancel plans with someone or ask for two sets of everything to make it seem like there's more than one person who will be eating the food order i'm picking up or go completely out of my way to acquire what it is that my brain thinks it needs in order to cope and feel better, i make it my number one priority and get it done. when i actually have the food and am eating it, that joyful and satisfied feeling i thought i'd get from it usually never comes, and i feel even more shittier than i did before because now i'm full and succumbed to my lack of self-control over food. isn't it bizarre that to some people like me, fast food joints, restaurants that deliver or any food establishment for that matter can become sort of like a drug dealer?? it's the absolute truth. i guess one of the good things now is that i know when i'm getting all crazy about it and ask myself, "am i physically hungry and is my body actually even in need of food, or is my brain just consumed with eating this certain thing because of a completely different purpose that is in NO WAY even related to food and what's actually going on in my life?" it's usually the latter. for right now, i'm going to go and try to focus my energy on another issue of mine. hopefully doing some cleaning will take my mind off a few things.

sometimes i have very long conversations with people in korean and don't have a clue as to what the hell we're discussing. i just nod my head and try not to look like a complete idiot most of the time.

i'm a firm believer in fate.

burberry prosum spring 2011.

i NEED this coat. yes, and i do mean NEED as in it's absolutely vital for my proper health and sanity to have this.

sometimes when i'm in the subways or walking down the street, people in seoul stare at me like i'm some bearded lady circus freak...

i'm not sure if it's because of my clothes, size, ink, face or whatever, but i don't take it personally. however, some people tend to stare a moment too long for my comfort and it does aggravate me at certain points and is borderline rude in my opinion.

but whatevs. thank you new york city for making me the person i am today. i'd rather stick out from the crowd than blend in any day. also thank you new york for the big stick up my ass that has been surgically implanted for life.

depression is a scary thing.

it's like you're walking along the railroad tracks, minding your own business and holding some rare wild flowers you've picked that miraculously sprouted from under the lifeless train tracks. then out of nowhere it comes and hits you like a freight train, and you're unable to get back up on your own two feet or function. i wish there a train horn or vibration from the tracks or any clear warning that it was coming but i think even if there was, there's still no way to stop the inevitable.

the good thing about any of this is for me it comes in waves, and those waves usually do end at some point.

i'm feeling much better and even managed to go for a run today.

moving or being in a new city isn't making me depressed in any way, but there are definitely things that can trigger it.

since i arrived two weeks ago, today feels like the first day in korea where it isn't oppressively humid outside.

there isn't a cloud in the sky and the absolutely perfect and beautiful weather leaves the options of activities to partake in limitless.. but why do i just want to sit here alone with the lights off and stare out the window?

i need to motivate and get some air.

i really don't see the point.

why even get out of bed?

sometimes in the pursuit of happiness (or pleasure), we make choices that inevitably leave us feeling just as empty and numb inside as we felt before we made those decisions.

i need to make smarter choices in life. the things i think will make me happy seem to be minor distractions that can be a waste of time. i usually would say that no bad experience is a waste of anything as long as you can walk away from it with a valuable lesson, but what if we make that same bad mistake over and over?

i need sleep, i feel delirious.

i really hate it when i misplace or lose something of mine---shit, drives me nuts. and has anyone else ever done this where you turn your place upside down and start searching in crazy ass places when you know that it will definitely not be there? i've looked everywhere for this hat of mine and out of desperation even went and opened the fridge door a few times---you know, just in case. i tell myself that material possessions do not matter in life but damn losing stuff is annoying as hell.

reading the news is so fucking depressing sometimes.

sometimes i just want to blast depressing music, turn off all the lights and lie on the floor alone for hours in complete darkness. i don't know why but it's the only thing that seems to help when i get like this sometimes...

but instead i made myself go for a run to hangang, the large river that goes through seoul, and sweat out some toxins. i do feel slightly better now but i'm not sure why i'm feeling like i'm in such a funk when everything seems to be going okay thus far. i guess you can run away to a different part of the world, but some demons follow you no matter where you go. like my best friend said, i will always be somewhat "perpetually miserable."

i think i just feel drained from spending constant time with some distant relatives here in seoul because i've always just got to be "on" and happy and talkative and smile and positive and act like i give a shit. don't get me wrong, i'm very grateful for the things they've done for me here and show my gratitude in many ways, but being this constantly positive and happy person is honestly just not how i am most of the time. i just need some alone time where i can be however the fuck i want to be.

i need to be social and make some friends here on my own, i think that will eventually help.

it's been fourteen years since i've been in korea during the summertime.

what's amazing is all the smells, sounds, colors, noises, food, buildings, weather and people make me feel like a kid all over again and everything is just as exciting and brand new as it was back then.

i'm so happy to be here.

korea is teaching me that in society, there will always be have the have's and the have-not's.

i want to fall in love. fuck seeing anyone else that i know that won't happen with.

i've been in seoul for exactly one week now.

besides from getting very ill from food poisoning to the point where i had to go to two hospitals in seoul by ambulance (i'll write more about that experience in detail next time), everything else has been fine. i've been trying to explore the city on my own as much as possible by walking around different neighborhoods and while the hot weather and my sweating/glandular problem doesn't allow me to walk around as much as i would like to, i'm still enjoying myself here. the world cup also starts tonight so the whole country is in a frenzy, especially seoul. i haven't started to seriously look for a job yet, i'm going to give myself one more week to relax, travel and explore and then i'll be on full job-search mode.

so now that it's been over a week since i left nyc, that also means i haven't smoked weed in a week.

the last time i went one week without smoking was when i came to asia three years ago after graduating from college and that trip lasted almost three months. i can say that i have been smoking on a regular basis since i started college almost ten years ago, and smoking on a daily basis for perhaps the past two years or so. i'm glad to not smoke for a while, it's a good change that my brain and body definitely needs. however, having it in my system is something that my brain and body has gotten used to the past few years and i think i might be going through withdrawal right now. i feel so irritable, moody, anxious and just annoyed by everything for absolutely no reason. the thing is i was doing totally fine until earlier today, and now i just want to punch something or go sleep forever in a dark cave. i googled "marijuana withdrawal" and it seems that i probably am suffering from it. don't get me wrong, i'm very happy for the sober change and to not be stoned 24/7 anymore. truthfully i know that if it's accessible, i will want to smoke because i have no self-control when it comes to weed and it's a huge vice of mine. but i am in no way expecting to smoke while i'm in asia so thankfully my addict-ridden brain isn't even thinking about it anymore.

i just can't wait until i get through this and i'm feeling better. it was fun while it lasted but it's time to move.

no one said it would be easy...

it feels so damn liberating to be in a new city.

i'm at the airport waiting to board my flight. i can't believe the day is finally here, it's surreal and so exciting.

goodbye nyc, my old friend---i'll be back someday but for now i'll see ya' around.