i worked my first double shift today. 13 hours straight on my feet. the only thing i wanted to do after work was go for a long drive to the middle of nowhere so i can be by myself and listen to my thoughts. that's what happens when you're in the constant madness of an extremely busy nyc restaurant for 13 hours, especially if you hate being in crowded places---you want to get away from the human race.

sometimes i want to freak out at work because i get so tired of the constant rush of people. working in a restaurant is different from an office because at my old job, i would have instances where i wouldn't do shit for hours and i would just fuck around by reading the news and blogs online. but in a restaurant, you're always moving and constantly on and there's no way you can get around with fucking around like that at all. but it's okay because i tell myself, "more people, more money" and that makes the situation a little bit better.

someday i hope i'm a successful writer and i want to buy a small house in the countryside with a big red barn and live there with my golden retriever and do all my work and writing from my the middle of nowhere with my laptop away from the world.

life never ceases to amaze me. is this how things are until you die? when i'm an old man, will i still be shocked at the stuff i'll be dealing with in my life then? i'm just always at awe at all the good and bad things that people are forced to deal with---but i guess it keeps you on your ties and life interesting.

anyway, i got the job. i am an official runner for the restaurant, woohoo. i feel like this is the right job for my life at this moment so i'm okay with everything. plus, it's like the only restaurant i even would want to work at in nyc so i feel lucky to be there. it still doesn't feel like work though when i'm there. i feel like i'm just going through some weird phase and living someone else's life but i guess that's with every new job---it takes time to get used to. one thing about the job that i am having trouble adjusting to is the schedule. it's currently 6:30 AM in nyc and i'm still up doing nothing. i'm not sure if anyone's noticed but i usually blog now at random hours because it's hard to regulate your body without a consistent schedule. i do have to say that i'm proud of myself for getting hired. i was persistent and worked my ass off and it all paid off. life takes you on these paths that are so new and unfamiliar that it's so easy to feel like you're lost---but in actuality everything happens for a reason and this is where you're meant to be at this very moment. "everything happens for a reason." i live by those words, it's what keeps me going through my life right now and i sincerely believe in the adage.

on a clear and cloudless night, i want to lie down alone on a bed of the softest, most greenest grass with my shoes and socks at an arm-lengths away as i stare at the stars in the picturesque sky above and just feel the earth beneath me and the silence around me. i really miss doing that.

haha thank you to everyone for your comments, they truly made me laugh and smile.

so for the past couple of days, i have been doing a trial period of training at a restaurant. it's in the east village and very low key with award-winning and amazing food. the atmosphere is really comfortable and welcoming but the quality of the food and service is in no way sacrificed because of it. i have two more days of training tomorrow evening (saturday) and during the lunch schedule on sunday. if those two days go well, i was told that i would officially be hired.

also, i was able to acquire back my lost phone. i never thought i'd be so happy to see my piece of shit phone but man i really did miss it.

i'm hoping that things are starting to look up in my life. if i don't get that restaurant gig, i'm not sure what i'll do but i know that everything in life happens for a reason.

i've always loved Seo Taiji & Boys (서태지와 아이들) and their music. except for their third one, i consider all of their albums to be absolute korean classics and no matter how much i listen to them, i never get tired of them.

i download most of my music now, especially all of my korean stuff, and i'm pretty anal with my music and enjoy spending hours upon hours to make sure i have all the correct covers, titles, track listings, year of release and other pertinent album information for all music in my itunes. i guess it's also sort of a problem because i get pretty obsessed with it. anyhoo, i was recently looking up some information on their first album released in 1992 and i found a website that had an image of the back cover for the album.

up until this point, i had never seen it and just wanted to share it here on my blog because i really like it. it's so 90's and matches the album and their music perfectly. 90's music in general is so much better than most of the garbage that's out today. maybe it's because i'm also a child of the 90's but i just love everything about the decade's music, fashion and pop culture.

i feel like the only thing i blog about anymore is being unemployed/broke. i guess it's because i don't have much else going on in my life right now...

the weather today in nyc is beautiful, and i feel like i should go out and be productive. while i have nowhere to go and no one to meet without my phone, i guess i'll just go to the union sq b&n to read and loiter.

bye all.

i lost my phone yesterday. f-r-u-s-t-a-t-i-n-g. i wasn't drunk or fucked up, just good old stupidity i guess. i'm still not sure how the hell i lost it though. and finding a job without a phone is probably not going to be the easiest thing, and i can't afford a new one right now...

plus i keep getting these random nosebleeds that i'm thinking is from stress?

well for some good news: i'm alive.

bills + rent + no money + more bills + looking for work + historically disastrous economy + lack of income + confusion of being in my 20's + more bills + "what the hell am i going to do with my life" = ABSOLUTE STRESS.

time is such a blur when you have nothing to do everyday.

i feel like my life is going to implode.

currently on obsessive repeat and they all happen to be 90's music (in my opinion, the best decade of music ever):

a tribe called quest- stressed out
mary j. blige- mary jane (all night long)
a tribe called quest- 1nce Again
n.w.a.- express yourself
nine inch nails- hurt

life is too short to be stressed out all the time. i am so grateful for everything that is going on in my life right now, the good and the bad. i need to stay positive.

i need to focus and be productive with my time and my life in general. i got laid off for a reason and am adamant on using this period to figure out my next steps in life. the unknown is scary but so exciting at the same time.

i want to get really drunk.

i have issues.

i always have to look at my poop before i flush it down the toilet...

am i the only person who does this??

we spent the past 5 days together.

thursday (2-12 my actual birthday)
he surprised me with a birthday dinner at jean-georges' spice market
walked around the city aimlessly for hours
ended up in the east village
urge
the cock
back to his apt in the u.e.s.

friday (2-13 we both took the day off)soho
anna sui
chocolate store
watched "he's just not that into you"
dinner at spice in the east village
blue and gold in the east village
back to his apt

saturday (2-14 valentines day)woke up and exchanged small v-day gifts in the morning
i went to a pilates class in carroll gardens, brooklyn
friend's apt in bed stuy to smoke, chill and watch tv
met back up with him for dinner at momofuku noodle bar
i surprised him with post dinner reservations at a dessert bar called koyotofu (he loves sweets and desserts)
walked around midtown
apple store
ended up dancing at the web
back to his apt

sunday (2-15)i went to nj to visit the parents for a little
chilled and smoked at a friend's apt in palisades park (fort lee)
nightmare commute back to nyc while stoned off my ass and holding smelly korean food from my parents---i hate jersey
stayed in with him at his apt

monday (2-16)lunch at mcdonalds
watched "friday the 13th" at union square (don't even get me started on watching these types of movies. on our first movie date, i watched "underworld 3" at a large theatre on a friday night. i have not done that since i was in high school because i absolutely hate movies like that and despise large megaplex theatres. when my friends later found out about our first movie date, they were unanimously shocked and knew i must really like him to do something so uncharacteristic like that)
haircut in chinatown
lunch at a vegetarian dim sum house in chinatown
back to his apt in the u.e.s. to pick up all my stuff and end our 5 day whirlwind
bed stuy to visit friends and have dinner
ended up crashing at their place

tonight is my first night sleeping at home since last wednesday. it feels like it's been forever. it's nice to be in my own bed.

things are amazing.

i still need to find a job though.

i had tons of shit in my messenger bag today and since it's so cold out in nyc, i decided to take my house keys out of my bag to put into my jacket pocket while i was still on the subway going home.

then something very embarrassing happened.

as i was standing in a half-crowded C train to brooklyn, trying to balance myself with one hand on the pole as i tried not to fall on my face, i dug through all the mess in my bag and then a condom fell out and onto the floor. yes---a condom. and yes---everyone standing around me and sitting in the seats saw it fall out as well. i was absolutely mortified.

the funny thing is, it was one of the "nyc" condoms, you know the ones that are available at like every single bar in the city? and the only reason it was in my bag was because a few months ago, my friends stole a whole bunch while we were out at a bar and stuffed them into my bag because they thought it was funny. i guess i forgot to throw this one last one away, it was probably buried under all the junk i'm always carrying around.

oh well. i thought it was funny anyway.

"out of sight, out of mind."

those are words i can live by.

i will always be okay.

i'm not sure how to tell my parents that i got laid off.

i usually call my parents at least 3 times a week from my office around lunchtime. the calls are usually brief, but it gives us enough time to catch up and to basically let them know that i'm still alive and doing okay. it's funny because my mom always talks about how proud she is of me, and how she's always showing off to the customers at her store that her son is working for x magazine and doing x with his life. i know they won't be mad at me for getting laid off, but i know they'll just be very disappointed and distraught in general about the situation.

fuck, who knows what the hell will happen.

here are a few pictures of my friend's beautiful brownstone in brooklyn and their dog that i was watching for them a few weekends ago.

these pictures don't do their apartment justice. everyone who goes to their place for the first time is always floored by how amazing it is. the space is so large and there are so many little design details in the place that gives it so much character. and isn't their dog madden such a cutie? dogs are such people magnets. when i took madden into the city for a walk, i was stopped at least once a block and complimented on what a cute dog he was.

scha⋅den⋅freu⋅de [shahd-n-froi-duh]: watching someone sprint down the steps of the F train platform at 42nd street earlier this evening as they tried to catch the closing doors of the subway with their umbrella---and then seeing her proceed to fall straight on their ass as the doors closed right in front of their face.

did they actually think they were going to make the train? HAHA i'm sorry but that is some funny ass shit, i actually burst out laughing.

oh man, i totally had my whole reoccurring high-school nightmare and just woke up in an absolute panic. i dreamt that i had been skipping math class for weeks and that i wasn't going to graduate.

it's been 7 years since i graduated high school and i still get these nightmares every now and then. i'm also not the type of person who gets nightmares often so when i do, they usually really freak me out. i wonder if i'll still get them when i'm 50.

i have been house/dog-sitting since thursday for my friends in bed stuy. they have a large beautiful brownstone and the cutest little dog named madden. they also have furniture, a tv, cable, and internet --- i feel like i'm on a little mini vacation here.

i'm watching the "we are one" celebration for the 56th presidential inaugural weekend on hbo, and it's just making me feel so good and tingly inside.

i really feel like 2009 is going to be a year of great change in every aspect.

i really need to start working out again.

oh, life...

this entry deserves a title.

i got laid off this morning.

i then decided to treat myself by going to balthazar for eggs benedict and a bellini as i read over my sendoff package from human resources.

oh life --- you're always keeping me on my toes.

damn it, why the hell do i keep cutting myself every time i shave?

on thursday night, i finally tried the bo ssam at momofuku ssam bar.

this popular dish at the restaurant is prepared two days in advance and can only be eaten with a reservation made specifically for it. i went with my friend jenn and some coworkers of mine from the epicurean magazine i work at.

has anyone else out there tried it yet? i liked the dish and thought it was worth the money.

it was nice to spend time with coworkers outside the office and finally see what all the hype is about.

every night, i fucking dread the moment when i'm in bed with all the lights/computer/music turned off and i'm trying to fall asleep. i fucking HATE it because i just lie there, tossing and turning with nothing but a million thoughts in my head --- unable to relax or fall asleep.

it is probably my least favorite moment of every 24 hours in my life.

진달래 꽃 by 김소월

나 보기가 역겨워
가실 때에는
말 없이 고이 보내드리오리다

영변에 약산 진달래꽃
아름 따다 가실 길에 뿌리오리다

가시는 걸음 걸음 놓인 그 꽃을
사뿐히 즈려 밟고 가시옵소서

나 보기가 역겨워
가실 때에는
죽어도 아니 눈물 흘리오리다

i think i found a minor typo in the 2000 vintage international edition of haruki murakami's norwegian wood.

page 19, eleven lines down. does anyone else see it?

i'm in a slump.

i forgot how selfish you are.

it's 3 in the morning and i can't sleep, so i'm going through old photos i scanned into my computer years ago.

i found this gem below and it made me laugh so hard.

oh, the 90's...

on day's like this --- with no one to meet, nowhere to go and nothing to do, i wish i had a big comfy sofa and plasma tv to mindlessly veg out and do absolutely nothing for hours.

damn i'm bored.

i hate new year's eve.

there's too much fucking pressure to go out, drink, find someone to kiss, and start the new year in the most spectacular way possible. why is it that people get all fanatic about the day?

last year was the first time i ever went out for nye in my life. i had fun and all, but seriously --- what's the big deal?

i worked today at the retail store in soho and i feel kind of beat. i have a few parties i was invited to, but honestly none of them sound too appealing. i'm thinking maybe i'll just be super lame and stay in, but with no tv or internet, well it would truly be a lame nye. hmm... what to do?

nonetheless, i wish everyone else has a safe and happy new years.

and please don't drink and drive, it's not worth it.

merry christmas.

late 80's in elmhurst, queens.

people are getting laid left and right on this planet every moment of the day --- especially in new york city.

today i had a thought and wondered, i wonder if people feel the same way i do after getting some action?

i was walking to the 2nd avenue stop of the f train earlier this evening in the east village after getting some booty, and just because it doesn't happen to me that often --- i couldn't help but have a huge kool-aid smile on my face while walking around with a skip in my step and a twinkle in my eye. to quote dave chappelle from the oscar winning film, half-baked, the line that continuously ran through my head was, "i got some booty, i got some booty!"

that made me think, i wonder how many people i pass by and interact with on a constant basis that are singing their own sex ditty in their heads?

for any Yukio Mishima fans out there, the film forum in nyc on houston is playing paul schrader's 1985 film, mishima: a life in four chapters.

this film is only playing for a week, and i caught the sunday evening show at 7 pm. i have to say that the film is beautiful and very aesthetically engaging --- the scenery and sets are vibrant with color and are really inspiring at times. one scene will go from a cafe where all the characters are wearing hyper bright, bubble-gum colored clothing and make up, and then it will go to a very dark and morbid black and white scene. the music for the movie was also really spectauclar and enhanced the movie very well. while i'm not too knowledgeable on philip glass and his work, i have heard some other stuff he's composed and i enjoy his music very much. the movie also changed my views on mishima himself, who was a very radical man that was deeply invested in bringing the japanese military to the superpower it once was generations ago and doing away with capitalism.

while i might not agree with his views on that, his writing speaks for itself and i don't know anyone who could read any of his books and not appreciate the beauty in his gift with words --- i wish i could write like him.

this movie is only playing until dec 23, so there's still a few more days to go watch it. if anyone catches it, let me know what you thought of it.



well, i've got to get up for work in a few hours so i'm going to try and go to sleep for the millionth time tonight.

i feel so frustrated and annoyed at life.

i need to calm down, clear my thoughts, take a nice hot shower, and just shut the fuck up and get over it.

maybe it's seasonal depression but i just don't feel like doing shit and am in a funk.

delete-delete-delete.

...i feel so much better now.

i:

1. am in dire need of a haircut
2. need some intimacy
3. was happy this morning, walking through the fresh snow in brooklyn while stoned and blasting salt-n-pepa's "push-it" on my ipod --- which randomly started to play as i walked up the stairs and exited the clinton-washington subway station
4. feel very blah about shit
5. saw debbie harry aka BLONDIE the other day on prince street in soho
6. wish that i could fall sleep

when i was a kid, one of my favorite things to do when it snowed at night was to just stare at the sky. i love how the sky turns slightly pink and everything outside gets so quiet --- like the snow is muffling all the sound that exists in the world.

anyone else in nyc doing/thinking the same thing right now at this very moment?

does hope exist because one creates/finds something to be hopeful about? or do things just come into one's life that gives someone hope?

no more excuses.

last night, my college had an alumni holiday party at tom colicchio's restaurant, craftbar, on broadway and off of 20th. i went with one of my only college friends, magali. i only have two friends from college --- one lives in l.a. and is doing the whole acting thing and mags lives in new york on and off. it's funny because magali is my only college friend i chill with, and i'm the same for her. we both had no other friends from school and don't keep touch with anyone at all except for our favorite college professor.

last night was one of those amazingly crazy and surreal nights in life that i probably won't forget.

magali and i get to craftbar and we get in line for coat check. then we head downstairs to the private room and we start drinking the free shit and eating the free food. we were both anticipating the arrival of our favorite college professor, whom i hadn't see in 2 years. so our former professor gets there, and it was really great seeing him and catching up on our lives. he is one of the most downest, wisest, and awesome professors i've ever had in my life. i respect him so much. it was also interesting because i saw him featured in this story late last year in the now folded (almost) men's vogue, and was so shocked that i did a double-take when i saw it. then months later, his writing started to appear in the magazine and i couldn't believe that it was actually him sharing so much great shit in these stories. i really missed him, so it was so good to see him again last night.

soon after, that's when the craziness of the night really started. to make a short story very short, mags and i met this crazy, weird ass lang alumni guy and we ended up chilling with him all night. it was just one of those crazy ass moments in life where i'm like, "i'm definitely going to be telling the story of this night to other people for the rest of my life," especially at parties haha.

i got four hours of sleep last night, and i can definitely feel that i am not in my young twenties anymore. you go to love life, right? it throws you these crazy changes but you learn to be happy with everything.

below are a few photos mags and i took. 

it's funny because i think about stuff to blog about throughout the day, but when i get home --- i never remember any of it. my memory is shot to hell.

one thing i will write about are my morning commutes to work. all i can say is, what the fuck? i swear, there are so many idiots who don't know how the hell to act on the damn subway. one thing that drives me bonkers is when two people are standing in front of the doors of the subway cart, and when the doors open and close, they just fucking stand there and don't move when you try to get on or off. because of these two idiots, everyone has to squeeze in between this tiny space --- and this is all during morning rush hour. why stand in front of the doors if you got on the train in brooklyn and you're getting off at bryant park? makes absolutely no sense. if you're getting off in a stop or two, that's fine --- but to stand there and put up with people squeezing in between your stupid ass for 25 minutes? that my friend, makes you a god damn idiot.

one more thing about the subway --- why the hell do people lay really bad farts on crowded subways? like, seriously? you couldn't take a shit before you left your house or just squeeze your asshole shut until you got off the train? that is just unpleasant for everyone.

blah. nyc subways are dirty, annoying, and sometimes just one big underground urinal, but i still love it. nothing beats nyc subways.

aside from that rant, work is the same --- busy as always. the apt is good as well. i've been having people over constantly and usually just cook for them. i now love cooking. my favorite game to play on a daily basis is, "what the hell can i make for dinner with the shit in my cupboard?" and i'm not talking about chef boyardee (which i love but it's so bad for you) or hungry man tv dinners (which i love but it's so bad for you), but actual cooking! that means i chop up fresh produce, season stuff to taste with fresh pepper and sea salt, use white wine to cook, and have to actually work for my meals. i never really started cooking until now because all the past apartments i lived in had disgusting and shitty ass kitchens. my kitchen now is still even pretty small and nothing fancy, but all the appliances work and there aren't roaches watching me cook as they chill in my dishes --- i feel so spoiled.

i also have no tv or internet, so i don't have much else to do when i'm home. all my guests are forced to sit together and have an actual conversation without any distractions. i know, cruel right? but hey, i don't plan to get a tv or maybe even internet anytime soon and would rather have great conversation any day. my guests just have to deal with it.

damn insomnia.

what a dreary and gloomy day.

i'm thinking everyone else in nyc is also staying indoors to stay dry from the shitty ass weather. i was supposed to go to the laundromat today because i haven't gone in 3 weeks --- but ehh, i don't think that will be happening anytime soon.

i feel lonely and miserable as fuck. it it so much to ask that i have a special someone in my life? why the fuck is it so hard to meet people you have shit in common with? it's so hard to meet guys of substance in nyc, argh. fuck, i've given up on all this bullshit.

these are the two photos on my refrigerator being help up by my new school university magnet.

everything else in my life is just blah.

btw --- can you believe i was ever that small?

the worst part about going to bed is trying to fall asleep --- i can never fall asleep. i was tired as hell and cranky a couple of hours ago and i just wanted was some shut eye. but all i did was stare at my ceiling and get frustrated while i tried to fall asleep. then a memory just came into my head and i wanted to write about it before i forgot.

i can't remember when this happened, but it was definitely within the past few days and during one of my morning commutes to work.

i was sitting on the subway reading and listening to music when a stranger came and sat next to me. bear in mind that this is rush hour and the trains are pretty packed. i was sitting at an end so no one was sitting to my left, and the guy was on my right. the space was a bit tight so he sorta had to squeeze and press against my body while he sat and when he did, all i could think of was how nice it felt to have someone's body come in contact with mine. i'm really not a perv and was not at all thinking of this in some sexually distorted way (i don't even remember a single detail about the guy aside from how i felt), but it just felt comforting to have someone sitting closely next to me. i just wanted to rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes --- it felt that nice. it made me realize how much i miss just being with someone --- i don't even have to be doing anything with a person aside from physically being in each other's presence and being within a close proximity from them. i miss that.

that's when i realized how lonely i am and how i sometimes yearn for some closeness and intimacy with someone.

blah blah blahhhh.

okay i'm really going to try to fall asleep. goodnight.

the weather in nyc is getting so crisp and cold, i love it --- it makes me feel alive.

i commissioned one of my best friends for a personal art project earlier in the weekend so i treated her to burgers tonight for dinner at stand on 12th street between fifth and university. i opted for the mini-burger with a side of potato salad instead of the regular sized burger, which my friend got. the difference in size was pretty funny so we decided to take pictures.

happy monday.

omg, i randomly have 3 bars of wireless internet --- so excited.

i moved into my brooklyn apartment last weekend and have been trying to settle in, yay! my room is a lot smaller than i remembered, but i fucking LOVE my new apt. my roommate and i are going to make this a nice pad. i work for an epicurean magazine and he works at one of the best furniture/design magazines --- we have to make it work here somehow. i still haven't returned my friend's camera ever since i borrowed it for wisconsin, so i plan to take advantage of it and take some pics of my new place. i will post them soon.

my roommate and i were apparently wrong about our neighborhood and we live in prospect heights, not clinton-hill. does anyone else live around here? let's chill. i started wandering the area and i love all the brownstones and old-school architecture here. i walk a block and will stumble onto the most beautiful church that looks like it was built a hundred years ago.

as for the actual layout of the apt, it's a two bedroom that also has a small office room. my roommate and i are not sure what we're going to do with that room, but i'm adamant on not making that room into just storage space --- we must take full advantage and make that room awesome somehow. all the rooms are on the small side, but the apt itself is very spacious and clean. the building is somewhat new so i love the hardwood floors and we're also kind of tucked away from the street --- it's nice to have some seclusion and privacy from the rest of the world.

aside from my new apartment, things are pretty blah. i was on vacation this past week and have to go back to work tomorrow, i'm kind of sad about that. i'm scared to open my inbox tomorrow morning to see the countless emails that await me --- i guess back it's back to real life.

speaking of real life, i've come to the conclusion that i am fucking sick of dating and trying to meet guys. whatever happens will happen. i'm going to stop thinking about how lonely i am and focus all that energy on other shit i could be doing. yeah, i'm lonely as fuck and would love some companionship, but i am not going to keep making myself feel like an idiot with the people i meet. i'm not going to waste my time anymore. blah.

i swear this was not planned but how apropos is this for my 500th blog posting.

as with the nation, all i can say is, YES!!!!!!!!!!

here is to our new president of the united states of america, barack obama.

what's new?

i didn't get laid off, woohoo. actually, the amount of people who got laid off was relatively low compared to other companies. but people did lose their jobs, people with families and mortgages and bills, and that's really unfortunate. blah.

on a side note, has this ever happened to you? you're at work and you go to the bathroom to do your business. you're sitting on the toilet, thinking about all the work you have to do and then you finish doing what you have to do. then you reach for the toilet paper... but there is none. you look under the toilet paper dispenser and your true fears have been confirmed, you have nothing to wipe your ass with. believe it or not, this was the second time it happened to me in the past few weeks. the first thought that popped into my head was, "wtf, shit like this really happens to people in real life?? i thought stuff like this only happened in bad comedies" i guess it's also my fault for using the same stall twice and not learning my lesson. suffice it to say, i did what i had to do and went on with my merry day.

layoffs are happening everywhere --- the downturn of the economy is evident in every industry within the nation, and publishing is no different. from the l.a. times, the new york times, radar, cosmogirl, and countless other publications, people are getting fired, companies are closing down, and there's nothing that can be done about it.

it's been rumored in my office that there will soon be an announcement of layoffs within the the publishing company i work for, which is owned by one of the largest financial institutions in the world. i heard last week that the announcement will come tomorrow, and lo and behold, a little after 5 pm today, our whole department gets an email from our publisher about an 11 am meeting tomorrow that will announce the future and some changes within our publishing company.

people are definitely freaked out in the office, but as for me, i know that everything happens for a reason. right now i'm giving 120% at work, and if that's not good enough and they think i am one of the people who should be laid off, then it is what it is. honestly, i'm not really worried about tomorrow, but you never know about these things. we'll see how it goes.

i'm in kohler, wisconsin.

i got here thursday evening, and have been in timeless bubble that is filled with wine and food. all i have been doing is eating amazing food and drinking tons of award winning wines ---- i guess my job isn't so bad after all. kohler itself is beautiful and everyone is really nice. it's also so nice to get the fuck out of new york for a while.

i borrowed my friend's camera and am taking tons of pictures here, i'll post some after i get back home on sunday.

i wore the same pants to work for the past 3 days. i don't know how the hell i let myself do that.

i finally found an apt and signed a one year lease. i'll be living in clinton-hill in brooklyn.

i'm going to wisconsin this weekend for work, it's been a while since i've been out of nyc.

i have a one week vacation during the first week of november. i'll probably spend that first week settling into my new apt and doing nothing.

all i need now is a job i love and a golden retriever and i'd be all set in life.

i was at my sister's house last week when i heard that choi jin-sil hanged herself in her apt in seoul while her mother was home. i loved choi jin-sil, she was one of the first korean actresses i started watching in the 90's and couldn't believe it when i heard the news of her suicide. i still can't believe she's dead and sometimes just obsessively google her name and the word "suicide" to see if there's any new information on her death.

i think the idea of suicide resonates so much with me because it makes me sad to think that there are people out there who feel that alone. reading back on this blog, i used to have such deep depression and feel lucky to have survived through those dark years in my life. it creeps back on me every now and then, but i feel like i've learned to cope with it better and i know what i need to do to make it go away. it doesn't always work, but i'm still in a much better place than i used to be. people say that suicide is the most selfish thing to do, and while i agree with that --- i also do empathize with people who feel such strong, uncontrollable pain and sadness in their lives and they don't know how to make it go away. when i get depressed, i get indifferent and question everything at the same time. why am i here? what is the point of my life? what would happen if i was dead?

but at 25, i've now come to learn that life is so great, no matter what you're going through. yeah-sure, things could always be better, but things could always be worse. maybe it's the fact that i'm in my twenties and i still have such hope and dreams for my life, but i know i'm going to be happy and i'll eventually obtain everything i've ever wanted.

talking about this is bringing me down again so i will end this post with a video. while i normally don't like to post videos here too often, the following is a clip from a korean drama in the 90's called "Jealousy" (질투) that is near and dear to my heart. i actually remember watching this drama as a little kid in the early 90's, and specifically remember the last scene because it was the best ending of a drama ever and became an instant classic when it went cut right to some footage of all the production crew. even watching the scene now, i can remember why i loved it as a 9-year old kid.

yesterday was a life-changing day.

one of my bosses at work was able to score me two tickets to haruki murakami's interview at this year's new yorker festival. all i've got to say is, this event sold-out in eleven minutes when tickets went on sale a while ago and i was absolutely elated to be there. i NEVER in my life thought that i would ever be able to see or be in the same room as murakami. it's like expecting to go to a reading by vladimir nabokov---it's just not going to happen.

but with murakami it did happen, and i left the interview feeling inspired about life and my future as a writer. i'm pretty lazy as an aspiring writer because, well---i never write anymore. whenever i finish work and come home, the last thing i'm feeling is inspired to write. but i've got to figure out a new system to get myself inspired and get my thoughts in writing because i'm already 25, and i've got to start making shit happen for myself.

october 5, 2008, will forever be the day in my life where i got to see one of my literary heroes in person. i've met and seen countless celebs, but this is one of the very few that actually matter to me. i feel such a connection with him, especially after yesterday. some of his thoughts on life and the writing process are things that i also fully believe in and i got such goosebumps during the event.

here are just a few notes i came away with after the interview ended. murakami...

1. thinks he never dreams while he sleeps because writing is like dreaming, and that's how all writers dream---they write
2. writes without a plan. all he has is his opening scene of a book, and he just goes from there
3. wakes up at around 3-4 AM because that's when he does his best writing. a lot of his books have an underlying theme of a a dark underworld, and that's the time where he feels closest to that other world
4. says writers have to be tough in order to make it
5. said, "my imagination is my asset---my gift"

the best thing murakami said last night was, "if the protagonist is happy, there’s no story at all.” that pretty much sums up my life.

thank you, haruki murakami.

fuck.

life... is so good.

i am homeless in 12 days, but i'm hoping i'll be okay.

for the past month or so, i've been trying to staying positive in life.

i've been through a whole lot of shit, and i've come to realize--- life is not that bad, it really isn't.

i've come to appreciate the smallest things in life, and am grateful for everything.

i love when i'm waiting on a hot and muggy underground subway platform and i can tell that the subway is coming because i feel what at first starts as this light breeze in the stagnant air, and then it grows harder and stronger and by the time the subway is charging by me, it feels like a stampede of wild horses are passing with its wind, sound and vibration--- it makes me feel alive.

why does cleaning out the lint trap of a dryer feel so damn gratifying?

summer is officially over...

i'll miss you, summer fridays.